Dump

What do I (really) want from you, and what does it take to obtain it?

What do you (really) want from me, and what does it take to obtain it? 

What is above giving, to get?

🙂

------------------------------------------------------------------------

No button can make it sweeter

A potion was needed

But it wasn't that one.

Compounding gathered data, I'm sorry but I don't regret. This doesn't mean I would do it again. I feel just the same for the 'good things'. I feel my message was always clear, on layers. I don't think the reality I experience now is punishment for my actions in the past. 

Dunno who put shit in my head. Awake or asleep.

The process

The finality :)

Scavenging through unrefined memories to find missing links

If there's even such a thing

No means no

And I gave mine away so many times

It wasn't even needed.

I don't know what to do with this strength.

Copulate, multiply, nature screams. In - Out. Value, ugly.

Flavors... No...

It would've made sense. But it's not enough for a true embrace.

I look and I wonder

With awe I ponder

I find a tablet with etchings

THERE IS NO SUCH THING!

Who told you that? Dunno.

If it's not like that, how is it?

Dunno.

What do you wish for?

Dunno.

Operating intricate devices to access flowering realities, however they might be called... Alternate, parallel, virtual, w/e... Operating takes place (words not too literal here) from a standpoint. How is that reality & why? The ONE version that is correct. Why is that correct and not others? Without knowing that, I don't want to proceed. Funny how so many things mean just the same thing. I looked everywhere, no matter how unpleasant or unlikely(tobetrue). What did I find? Nothing concludent.

Time doesn't make me more desperate. Maxed a long time ago... No amount of desperation could account for compassionate understandment towards some weird things. The reasons for that weirdness though... I do not see them clearly, but I sense something funny about it, something that would delight my mind. Wondering what sort of knowledge that is.

I looked at shit from the past, trying to see it with different types of eyes, to understand wtf happened why did it happen the way it did, meanings, did I not see something essential? Hilarious, stupid, powerful, it didn't matter... My own interpretation of whatever chessboard might be... I didn't find myself... Nor disposable others. Nothing... No match for ??? 

Preferences don't mean anything when they don't matter at all in the greater scheme of things (personal).

/     /    /   /  / / / //////////////////////////////// / / /  /   /    /     /

!

So what to do with... {--------}... That apparently is like an interface, which changes based on... ( ? something to do with time & wrong attributed will/power). Sneaky sneaky but means notmuchy. Whatever dared pester me... All this time... For a message that wasn't accepted _ _ _ _ (when?)... When it was already clear. 

Wrote this because I woke up grumpy after yet another dream with my ex that I don't like to dream of & YEARS AGO, while I was with him I didn't dream him too often(for introspection, relationship shit, w/e). X(

Yeah I feel someone is playing tricks on me & I don't know how to defend myself. I feel I make my point of view clear, not to impose, to be known. 

Macar daca era altcineva in loc de ala, poate m-as fi simtit mai bine, sau altfel.  :)))))

Da, dar, daca era altcineva poate te-ai fi purtat altfel in vis. Ce te face sa crezi ca te-ai purtat asa pentru ca erai cu ala si nu cu altcineva? Oricum nu era ceva familiar dupa dorintele tale, alegeri... Nici o reprezentare prea fericita a vreunor chemari ancestrale. 

Macar mi-a placut cum stiam sa imi repar ceasul, cum il stergeam de apa, peisajele montane, zapada, crocodilul...* Ce conteaza restul? :)) Cum adica? Ceva a intrat la mine in vis si eu nu vad unde am probleme de securitate ca sa iau masuri... Ce fel de masuri? Nu stiu, macar sa stiu care e problema. Ma simt luata la misto si umilita (tentativa proasta de brainwash?) cand vad cum se incearca o asamblare a simbolurilor pentru derutarea perceptiilor... Undeva unde un mecanism poate fi folosit altfel. Repet, nu m-am dat niciodata nimanui asa incat sa sufar astfel de consecinte. Figurativ vbind, cautarile unor locuri nu inseamna vieti traite pe meleagurile alea care sa atarne la karma.

Penibil.

</3

Nu inseamna ca....

    ... Ba din contra.

[Parameters not found]

*I don't remember more from that dream now, is it even good for anything to write about details from dreams. I never realy liked my dreams~. Using what I remember from them as insight to understand better some stuff in RL, so-so. I like it when I have dreams in which interacting with 'reality' is a little different than it is when awake, but, again, is that even good for anything?
Entertainment? Understanding? Defining? Finding? Remembering? Attributing? Passions?

¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸,ø¤°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸.·:*¨༺I am loved.༻¨*:·.,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸,ø¤°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,°º¤ø

Ever w[a/o]ndering...

Lyde, you're amazing!

₪₪₪ No love | Forget it. ₪₪₪

Independent - not subject to control by others SELF-GOVERNING 

not looking to others for one's opinions or for guidance in conduct

being enough to free one from the necessity of working for a living

showing a desire for freedom

Dissappointed with the new honey, I devoured an appple.

ED991077956RO

:|

Achat - 1 in hebrew, purchase in french.

Love, with no judgement?

...My hand.

Puteti sa visati la ce vreti, dar macar nu-i mai mintiti pe altii..

ತಿ

Dang having no friend in this world sucks!

Being polite to eachother =/= Friendship. Nor goingoutofmywaytohelp you is.

"Vulnerability is not a weakness but a willingness to be exposed." said someone... I thought... Vulnerability could be a huge misunderstandment. (If I think abt myself - how it feels being vulnerable, trying to fit a state/ symptoms in a word)

cccccccccccccccccccↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄↄ

It's more painful than I look at it.

Pana si pe Reddit romanii sunt dubiosi.

southern sun ... Nuuuuuuuuuu... I remember it and kept playing in my head as Summer sun!

Aceasta stire nu are ce cauta pe prima pagna, primul articol care apare pe siteul postei. WTF. (suntem in 05.02.2022 si ce scrie in articol este valabil ptr ~ 1 luna de VARA TRECUTA. -_- 

https://www.posta-romana.ro/a1466/stiri/informare-privind-extinderea-programului-de-lucru-al-oficiilor-cu-asistenta-vamala-din-bucuresti.html

Nu inteleg ce imi spuneti sau daca ma si ia cineva la misto. O fi de plictiseala sau au ceva cu mine personal?

*sigh*

Pentru toate trimiterile se aplică în mod automat cota de TVA de 19%. Începând cu data de 1 octombrie 2021, Posta Romana utilizează mecanismul special prevăzut pentru operatorii poștali, pentru declararea și plata TVA la import, pentru bunurile cu valoare redusă (sub 150 euro), introdus în codul fiscal prin Ordonanța de Urgență nr. 59/2021. În temeiul mecanismului special, este permisă utilizarea sistematică a cotei standard de TVA (19%), pentru a facilita procesul de declarare la vamă de către Poșta Română, în calitate de reprezentant al destinatarilor. Cursurile de schimb valabile sunt cele din prima zi lucrătoare a lunii octombrie, aplicate de la data de 1 ianuarie a anului următor. Rotunjirea cuantumului TVA la import se face la leu, prin majorare, când fracţiunea este egală sau mai mare de 50 de bani şi prin reducere, când fracţiunea este mai mică de 50 de bani.

UU341823720CN

I've seen some shit & I'm not willing to wait or appreciate when (if) the moment comes to talk about this with someone. Apparently nothing tops what happens in my head oh wait someone said something that from time to time strangers show me different things (in my head too,no?) But I don't even know who they are or the context (for me, for them too, etc) ... So no it's not better that whatever talks I have with whoever din care nu se intampla nimic oricum. 

https://zoomquilt.org/

:( I liked doing that*, but how it happened now, smth about it, infuriates me..  was thinking at smth else, and it's like I took no (not even mini) conscious decision of doing that... Nor did I EVER handle the reins to someone else to do this sort of thing to me. It's not about who has what or supremacy... It's smth different... Ofc I'm not willing to convince anyone to help me (I don't know why I feel it's wrong).

*long time ago, a gesture, scratching my tooth with fingernail & devouring the food remains gathered in that manner. It was never a big deal though, nor did I associate it with something or did smth to have to feel smth so weird.

^ Example of smth that bothered me.

Why do you despicifirulinpatruatat?

:)

Do you have a life? Tell me about your life, but please don't 'help' me imagine it in wrong ways, you know what I mean..

Phobia =/= Fear {I cant find relevant material on this topic} 

Smth to do with disgust & not wanting to experience smth but not fear involved, and its labeled as a type of fear and God knows how many things go strange because of this. 

SIMPLE THINGS!

I can't get over * how some ppl remind me of other ppl even if it wasn't a big deal, there has to be a connection meaning will purpose etc? * more like not understanding/knowing how to deal with.

Era imposibil sa nu ma enerveze ceva. Nu? Oricum pt mine nu conteaza

Decat paranoia... Despre ce o fi.. Care e adevarul... The only one!

Nimeni nu vorbeste, ca de obicei.

*sigh*

What if you feel like you have no dreams, and the dreams you dream at night are mostly about somebody else?

Who tf said that 'getting out of hand' thing now...

What is it? Octopus effect? Feels like a jellyfish swimming around my chest area. I don't even know for sure how I got to associate this sensation with octopus. 

Twosday 02-22-2022 ^^

a disparut UU341823720CN de la track n trace - Posta. Pana ieri erau pasii acolo, prelucrare, bsi, etc. Intrat in tara de pe 1 feb.

-_-

citisem aromatic dar era de fapt aromantic

Si ce daca nu mi-e frica?

How can TheThey (?) read my mind like that?* images? impulses? stuff that gets translated into other stuff? I was talking casually to my Guinea pigs earlier about going to the hornbach store to buy food & if they wanna come with me & imagined (?) carrying them in a leash, then in a marsupial pouch. Not a big deal.

I get on pinterest a lil after and I see pic of a marsupial mammal with baby animal in & title smth like ~ going 2 home depot.

*I don't know what happens/how/why but smth as sensitivetopic as this shouldnt happen like this and its not about me being in control blabla.

-_-

blank immaginative dumblefucks

Daca un stalp ar fi vorbit cu mine nu m-as fi suparat pe el dar pentru ca o creatura care arata ca un om a zis ceva, ma deranjeaza -_- no biggie but .............. -_- I do not hear whole and correct explanation.

*deep sigh*

Wanted to read smth... researched a bit about meditation techniques... found 'Loving Kindness' method and wanted to see how it's done, learn about... :| Sounds like 'The Secret' shit that I never rly liked. 

May I be happy

May I be safe

May I be healthy, peaceful, and strong

May I give and receive appreciation today

May I learn more about what I want to learn about so I can understand & heal.

...

Fluffy/Pink NLP?

Why do I feel anyth but love and kindness as I found that?

May you be happy,

May you be healthy,

May you be safe,

May you live with ease.

*1

Call to mind someone you know who's having a difficult time right now.*2 They've experienced a loss, painful feeling, a difficult situation. [...]

*1 What if I don't really know anybody? Without proper self knowledge knowing others isn't rly accurate/right right?

*2 What if I didn't hear correctly or someone else lied?

Hummus tasted awful earlier :( 

Am I addicted to mustard? (I only like ones that doesn't taste of horseradish/wasabi).

I watched a trailer of a 80s movie (Videodrome) that felt like a present interpretation of the 80s not actually made in the 80s :|

That world doesn't exist for me anymore :(

识

ッ

That sort of thing rly is better than 'real' news to me. :( *sigh*

Me never what?

Looking back, none of those things were really rewards... So... If Blind, prerequisite can't lead somewhere good...(do a little thing for me, and I'll do a little thing for you)

Intuition without self knowledge (recognising some things) =/= what I would use.

To feel that thing that 'feels so good' without ANYTHING to think about for real = BAD for me, really, I don't care about anyone's 'home' work or whatever you call shit that's on or about me. Oh what do you understand when you hear/see me saying 'me'. :)

Fiecare cu ce-l doare.

Pe mine nu e nimic care sa nu ma doara.

Same time, I'm so gratful for everything.

2 feelings that can't mix or coexist.

I rly don't care about your song(s), I hope you realise why

AND GET OUT OF MY WAY so I CAN SEE WHAT A WAY IS.

"Let`s Talk About the Most Embarrassing Thing That Makes Us Cum :) Who is Down? Real life experiences, fantasies you`ve had, I want to hear about it and touch myself with you :) More shame the better.."

This guy talks about it as if it's a good thing. 

Think about that cause it gets my imagination going...

Abt specific body parts in a sexy manner.. Things I don't want to have or necessarily like + even if I did would I want to stimulate....*who?* IN MY OWN HEAD?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IT FEELS LIKE TO NOT BE ALONE WITH YOUR IMAGINATION FOR I DONTEVENREMEMBERHOWLONG

:(

I do not want to participate in your excuse(s). 

*sigh*

I didn't enjoy a sexually-related physical sensation/feeling in such a long time.. I don't mean 'theory talk' like I sometimes do. Ffs.

First time I watched/saw/entered(?) that stream, I felt the guy's footage is a video, dunno why. :-$

(°_°)

I don't think I'm antisocial. Even though I might (upon self analisys but what defines that?) exert certain traits.

Xoloitzcuintle!

*Xoloitzcuintle*

*Poof*

I like roe now, didn't like it as a child, was one of my dislikes.. But I'll never like dill. Dunno why.

:o

It's my favorite weather <3

F2Playnkton =))

Pondering... Not rly wanting smth =/= Not being able to afford it. (Thinking about getting a more high maintenance reptile, like Bearded Dragon).

Last night while I was looking at my hamster (Azin) I heard as if someone was talking to me: "I can't afford you" ~ I don't know what they meant, who was that, how I get messagess just like that when I'm in my room doing whatever, nor do I understand what 'to afford means' like that :(

wa wa wwwaaaaat?

[After seeing budget terrarium with 2 types of lights on yt, shortly after I wrote ^ -_- & pondering some more]

Te iubesc de te-as tine si intr-o galeata

Te iubesc dar vreau sa te vad intr-o $%^&&)$#^$%

Ok so maybe the needs r not the problem, (theres no prob anyway). Something in raportul dorinta de a experimenta ceva & ce esti dispus sa faci + niste ganduri ciudate la care nu vrei sa te gandesti mai deloc nu conteaza de ce, referinte la zolologia pulii, nu stiu ce e dar nu vreau sa fac favoruri nimanui asa nici macar daca e 'bine' :).

Eu in mod normal nu ma preocup cu astfel de ganduri/ nu m-as preocupa cu astfel de ganduri.

Nu am inteles multe chestii. Hinturile pot fi ceva rau daca le urmaresc considerand ca am hotarat aproape sigura ca nu ma intereseaza sa cotizez la... nimanui ..... pt ca macar puteau sa fie sinceri.

</3

This whole shit hurts too much, dunno why. Nu e pain la care sa pot sa ii fac ceva.

Nobody's right with words ~ wtf

How isn't that a weird excuse or

I don't remember life before 'reality' (that included words one form or another)'So I don't know how to imagine, seek, discover, etc, more about this.

Looking @ childhood, whoever/whatever, I only find same things, chestii care nu ma invata nimic (personal mission* vs sa il mai trezesc pe cate unul pierdut sau comod) sau chestii fata de care nu simteam nimic, gen, gesturi, etc, nu mi-au placut automat, nu am cautat sa ma reintorc acolo cand am mai crescut si am avut 'traume'/ whatever. 

I always liked being alone but I like 'having stuff figured out' around me (a prerequisite?)

*which doesn't mean personal mission, in my own thoughts.

Chess is boring.... To me....to me.... not because of the this or that or ....YES That was infuriating seeing those 2 panarame... but ... Ofc I dont care/nobody should be insulted if I don't like chess. I still think it's a limited nr of moves you can make and if you learn all then there is no competition. Its smth else that I don't know for sure how to think talk about. I dont want to focus or waste time on that, reading or learning about that... 

This is not fun.

That is not what.

What is fun?

Sad.. and tired of talking for nothing.

'Space rent' I doubt that. Yea I still do despite all. It was just this or that tring to convince me of smth that nobody had the decency to rly talk to me about (nu e un repros).

Addicted to what? What is addiction? I feel like shit ~ same if I do or don't do this thing or that thing that could be 'vices'. Smoking/weird eatng/etc.

Ofc it was different when I used to talk to people about it... Everything was :(

Smth that I'm not (consciously) aware of

So simple to understand and integrate into my mental processes.

And yet

....Nothing.

No story type or part does anyth any justice/anyth good/anyth at all in this case.

No.

:(

*About harmful useless shit itsnoteventrollingbecausesomebodyshouldlaughandihearnobodydoingthateither* I wouldn't.... To anyone... Even if no karmic principle was involved despre care oricum nu stiu prea multe dar asta nu inseamna ca altii pot sa faca ce vor in acest sens...

I like that but I still remember it differently. Under ice / what I imagined when I was walking in the park listening to it a few years ago. 

"Eat a cookie." [While trying again to understand the past/present whatstheretounderstand - ftlt like failing because I didn't understand anything]

:((((((((((

Because of a weird coincidence

Similar to other pestering things that I recall

The "I don't wanna go" voice that I never identified with but I don't understand why I sometimes heard that or other stuff in my own head with my own voice (sound) or even (mechanically) speaking (Speak but no mean) ~ I DO NOT MEET CRITERIA FOR THIS SORT OF STUFF something makes me think this should've been possible if I did smth / agreed to something (not subltle, smth very clear visible and undeniable).

PS: I did not agree to be used as/practice/etc smth like Channeling (I had minor interest in that topic, more interest in other topics though from same pool but _____________) mny times I felt that I'm speaking as if I'm not myself (this has more to do with frequencies/ how I really hear? / dunno, rather than conventional understanding of mental health).

Very sad because I don't know how to learn about this. [Because I don't rly believe enough in any type of story] ~ I feel I made the necessary steps to 'open up' & learn/see & that I'd be good at integrating, etc. So what if it's personal use? If It does me good and others see?

Choice?

Fight for all that's beautiful in the world <3 "" ""

But...I like that...

"Bine ați venit pe site-ul de pre-înregistrare în vederea auto-recenzării la Recensământul populației și locuințelor din România, runda 2021!

Vă mulțumim pentru intenția de a vă auto-recenza. Acum puteți să vă îndepliniți obligațiile civice și legale în materie de recensământ într-un mod mult mai ușor, în ziua și la ora la care aveți disponibilitate, fără a aștepta vizita recenzorului! Perioada de auto-recenzare este 14 martie-15 mai 2022."

I would've copied that tweet as a comment for RockFM's question on fb but I'm not that type of person not even for experimental purposes.

Following the longing to see where it leads is not the way (for me).

Nothing seemed to make any difference :)

^^ anti-love energy

Earlier i felt the chair/something move underneath me in a weird way... 

I don't know what to do with the clues & it's not only because of the 'lack of trust'. 

La 'roman' sa nu puneti caciulita ... -_-

403 Forbidden

nginx

cuvinte sugestive

Stimată Doamnă, stimate Domn,

Octarinian hugs!

The Cry of Mankind 

I just didnt care anymore... I allowed that to happen? Dunno, to some it might look like it, but no... I just wanted to end it (end=orgasm, because thats what mattered right?). Hlop plop whatever visually auditory I dont like that sort of stuff. Nor was it the excitement I seeked. I'm not hiding anything. It annoys me because it seemed exciting, for at least 2 reasons. Because smth felt 'not right' & because I have no idea who&how is involved in this, shit that sould be mine only. IT HAPPENED IN MY MIND.

At this point to me it doesnt even matter anymore *hears fart sound* ANY of the ways in which I used to reach orgasms, be it last year or 10 yrs ago, self or satisfaction by exes. 

I could write a lot about this but I don't see why, shit's been on repeat in my mind for a long time to no avail. What I want to learn would take a few minutes maximum & no discomfort like a ghost feel of an exageration of how I used to feel some stuff (phys-sensations) on this topic. 

No. It will never happen again. And this doesn't mean ifyiugytigu won over fgtg87yojityg7.

Just means :(

</3

& more

But not what you hear.

=)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

About Money

And how nobody speaks my language about them

Not then (spring '19 drama b4 divorce)

Not recently

Not them

not the other ones

Nobody

Nobody.

OH

Lie to me some more

Lie to them they don't know

You lie

I pay.

Your little things

:(

-_-

If a million is a M a tenner is a different M? M's sleep? like in army, change shifts?

M's are numbers that dictate me how to feel because of things I once imagined running through my body & somehow because of my DAD(which I never liked* & the smallest good feelings were easily abolished because I always felt smth else than the norm of peaceful and good feelings regardless of how this makes anyone feel.)

*It doesn't even matter why.

It's obvious from that what I think & What I don't. To hear that, oh, that's satanic, about smth, I dont even know who tells me that, their knowledge perception interpretation database, do they see me from above? why? No. Then that sort of opinion should sound different when it reaches me.

No

Nothing here is my playground.

I thought from time to time.

I tried (for the wrong reasons? Not always).

It's not manifestation

Nor is it similar to smth I once saw or not somewhere.

My blog.. My little sanctuary... What I wanted.. After I put down the AdVenue. *BecauseIlikewritingIwantedmoreofitbutvariousshithappened_Idonotcategorizeitanyhownow*... I imagined myself many times writing articles on various topics and see where it does...But why do it... If I put time & energy into it it won't make me feel better about the situations I'm in "life". Rly. I don't want to give them roles. The useful whatevers that read and interpretsmart or needed my wordshere as proof for smth they already know because we're friends it's just not that obvious.

(IdontmissitIremembermostthingsIputtheretowhatavail? MistressforAIBots?) I liked it dark, more like me. I wanted to show a lil of me. If you can read eyes you could definitely read mine.

There's either too much confusion or just evil about this.

The little else gets lost in excuses and dances in which I don't want to jump in, not even for the sake of Knowledge.

And

SELF knowledge should never be this way...

{              }                {                               }

All I found.

& lies and disgusting things and I wasnt seeking pleasure and comfort.

No I don't want to give them roles.

Sometimes we want to do more than just pretending.

MGMT Time to pretend. So between pretending and saying No to most of the experienced/perceived things... What remains? (~lifethemiracleoflife...&other miracles) [Ewww Eww no!! WHAT!? RLY? Ew. You!? A YOU? But that's MINE! - What am I supposed to do with that information? Nothing - Pass it forward? Why do you need me for informing if you know what you're doing?]. Because you're a female! but nothinginthisworldmadeyoufeelits bad.. :)

AHAHAHA

NOT EVEN YOUR OWN MUM'S CONVINCING WORDS.

This is not surfing btw

Nor allowing

Boredom on one part.

I don't know what else.

Don't talk electricity to me.

Little dark age sounds <3.

Why I'm sad? I rly liked those games some more than others (in bnet). I don't know how/when I'd have (If I'd have a machine good enough to play them at decent settings again) Selling it for  whatever feels bad. And rly, I cba & can't evaluate a right price, money is a nightmare atm maybe this is why I didn't even strive to make some more. GET THEM SPEND THEM. THERE'S NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. ALWAYS SOMETHING MORE. Nu, nu vad luminita de la capatul tunelului, e lumina si aici dar nu am ce sa citesc. Repet. Nu vad ce legatura sa aiba toate astea cu tata. Nu de la el am auzit/invatat despre bani. Nu se potriveste nici o poveste. Detalile sunt mereu aceleasi. Neinteresante. Luate si puse in alte filme, e ca o autoumilire de cei ce ar face asa ceva. Si nimeni nu capata bomboanele. Si nu are treaba cu ce a zis tipa aia in 2012, 'ca stii de unde e'. Cineva care are o astfel de informatie vorbeste altfel. Chiar daca mie imi era complet strain gandul ca timpul e altfel, mult mai altfel decat ...Si ce daca nu imi place romana...Si ce daca nu le place ca asa gandesc acum?

Nu, nu e o auto-vraja...

For me Heaven didn't vanish.. I never knew it.. Stories about it...Never paid attention... (nu am prejudecati, dar oamenii care vorbeau nu meritau ascultati ATAT DE MULT INCAT SA IMI IMAGINEZ EU CEVA DE O ASEMENEA MARETIE pentru ei sau altii). Intense physical pleasure or whatever current passing through whateverofme because I WAS watching smth and talking to someone I like =/= Heaven.

I'm not upset, nor depressed. It's much worse. If I reject you I'm not a dick. If you have money you can hurt me? That's life?

I feel too good BUT I DON'T HAVE WHAT TO DO WITH IT. There's smth

I didn't invite

I didn't make up 

I 'hear'/impressions/ si daca nu ar urma nimic dupa zgomot(de exemplu: I focus on smth & hear low volume ex's voice in my head...As if I'm influenced by w/e or w/e). tot ar fi suficient cat sa ma deranjeze. Nu sunt parerile mele neaparat, la fel cum yucknoise nu este o expresie a dorintei de a impartasi iubire/orice/ un moment... Nici macar sa folosesc nu am vrut. Atatea indrumari, nu credeam ca e altcineva... "Good girl".

What I hear does not define me to others WTF (I don't care & when I cared last time can't be used as case study because... PURE NUMBERS WTF WAS THAT SHIT U CANT USE THAT FOR THAT..Idontwanttooffendanyone. I don't know who's corrupted/stupid.)

ALL THIS IS NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE ME KILL MYSELF. WTF.

I didn't choose to 'be here' to choose to not be here through suicide. I don't remember any mission/WHATEVER. I liked many stories but to see them just as stories </3.

Childhood's end is smth else.

I never had a main story

I was in <Life> & didn't see it as a story/movie/script.

Gaming/picking up a new game investing hours/day/weeks/months into it was not having another life. Y y. Regardless of how many times a week I brushed my teeth.

<3

What story am I from?

[...]

'Some geospatial data on this website is provided by geonames.org.' Saw this on Steam. 'lol'.

ffs pvm means playerversusmonster which ofc is the same shit as pve (in pve u kill monsters do quests pick herbs whatever. M is part of E!) and I was thinking pvm is smth like player vs market shit for ppl that like to play the game that way. -_-

I don't like the old ones but I don't like the new ones either.

It was always NOW for me, regardless if I was with someone or alone, thinking about things close or far away in time. To hear that *trigger* is ~ related to 'my' now (as in smth potentially romantic/interesting/w/e) is so insulting. Not because I care (as if this hurts me - ofc it bothers me) or because it hurts being in my position (many aspects not only how lonely I am).

Momentary awareness is nothing.

!Yay! for my favorites list on a website dissappearing after I cleared cookies/site data. I thought this can only happen if it's not saved in my account (when I'm logged in).

C:\Windows\System32\DriverStore\FileRepository\p2540ua_314.inf_amd64_bb891ed9b3167df0

   \   /

    \ /

( o )Y( o )

When ''be patient'' is just a nice way of saying: shut up. 

https://secure.runescape.com/m=forum/c=-V6YvdQeavY/sl=0/forums?285,286 !THIS DISSAPPEARED BEFORE MY VERY EYES! (found it again weeks later by being logged in).

That doesn't mean anything either.

"Not even a little bit".

I've seen so many insulting things, from which I learned nothing.

:(

Un bun de folosinta, de aruncat la gunoi

Cate unul pe an, sau poate cate doi...

Faces of pain

Words are not enough.

I don't wanna talk with my walls.

Toate sucurile alea nu au ajuns in stomacul nimanui.

Nu vreau sa ma despart de toti pe rand. Cand m-am despartit de fostul, s-a inteles de la sine, ca era pt 'toti'.

Nu consider un avantaj ca eram mai 'safe' cand eram cu el ( mai neacostata pe plan psihic/telepatic etc ~ oricum nu stiu sigur despre ce e vorba ca sa pot sa am o parere cu adevarat si sa decid ce fac / alegere / actiune).

VID_20220518_204531 REUPLOAD... community guidelines violation? -_- Run a copyright check - No issues detected.

I wouldn't drink with you if you paid me. {I need the money & oh it's just a drink...}

Yeah I dislike* (my) less-than-suculent things... I don't like silly jokes or being nudged (nor will I ever accept such messages as *friendly*), I don't get hurt either... I don't see the point... Bigger problem: I don't want to like them either! What for? Why? To do what with them?* (Seriously)

I don't hear anything that I wouldn't say No to. Rly. & This is a big problem for me that I have to deal with on a daily basis in multiple areas of 'life'.

** I dislike many things in many ways & like them in other ways, BUT it's just moments (when liking) that don't mean anything to me, like a lil fleeting euphoria at best, while the disliking follows me around like a bad cloud, I get mental (thought?) prompts with such dislikes, etc etc etc.

Interesting, something hidden about this.. Well, dunno how hidden, but unknown to me. |~

WHAT for - competition?

Phantasmagoricle mental figments?

Appreciating someone's *something*, style, whatever, doesn't (didn't) mean I want to replicate, copy, think it's the only way to, want to be like them', etc. I didn't 'copy' MsViv's shit, it was just one of the other chathost rooms 4 me {btw I don't see the point to talk extensively about past thoughts - things that happened years ago, at that time didn't mean much for me, nor 'show me the light' in the industry/WHATEVER} There were a few hosts I looked at more than others / checked their pics / read their profiles, etc. Vivian's chatroom had smth that I thought was very nice - background music, that I could hear very clear. I don't know about her setup, but I found how to do it, in the cam splitter I was using, for sound, using both my microphone (I had webcam's mic) & also the track I was playing. Don't remember how it was called, if I could select system sound or the app (player) I was using specifically. (I used to use Foobar 2000 https://www.foobar2000.org/)

I'm pissed because I'm bothered with shit every day. It's not that I don't earn anything from this, but I don't even know why. No story to follow, whispers are whispers. It's not only shit from the past but poor choice of ...... for the present. Sounds like complaining but it's not really that... Shit that happened, making me stronger... What the fuck for? What to do with such 'strength'? I don't feel stronger (survive & put up with shit while having nothing to really plan/look fwd to as a big picture)... I don't want to spend my time ~ months to a year or so, talking here (or in my head) about past shit. "Face value" - I didn't suspect weird conspiracies outside/beyond what I've seen @ the time/talked abt.

Windy, stormy weather - why is it my fav?

I asked What are these things we call days? & pulled a Tarot card... II of Cups... Didn't understand hinted meaning :(

For me, refining, growing (cultivating) Virtues =/= life purpose, more like smth that comes with it. Learning, alone, again, not a life purpose. Learning from others... Others... I started losing respect/trust when I've seen them changing (the most obvious 'errors'/ whatever that was)... My life always sucked but it's been more hellish since then. (There's no term of comparison). 

Run...Escape...I don't know where...I don't know what from.

<3

"I went there with a full scholarship, did every other international student that studied with me that year." =)) from a fb comment.

LISTA!

Talk about beauty and love

Who programmed you? (Is it a consequence? Of what? How do you cope?)

How does it feel to touch me that way?

WHEN YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SOMEONE YOU SEEK TO SOLVE IT. TALK WHATEVER SPEW VENT HOWEVER YOU DO IT. I can't understand making someone else's life a shit hell because 'you don't want' to get well.

Reactionary Non[...]ivism

What do these people know about boobs anyway?

"The unconscious mind has long since served us as a reflective pool of archetypical contents, revealing to us imbalances of opposites and manifested external projections."

Too many jobless Sherlocks where I live...

Using words as if they know

Or care.

I can't even recognize them properly

Changing during a paragraph sometimes, or a sentence. Come back another day pretend they're entitled to just hop in and dirty my experience some more.

I do not want/ seek their 'good' behavior/whatever

I am not tied to them. If I chose, this wouldn't bother me like this, I would feel different about what I have to put up with.

I don't feel home here but then again no apartment I stayed in truly felt 'home' for various reasons nor did I assemble my hopes&aspirations towards anything I'd call 'home', AND THE TIMES when I *felt*/emitted a craving,calling, for home, to get back home, from somewhere I was out or @ someone else's place... WTF, whoever used that for anything is smart enough (whatever) to calculate with the data I was having (timing, days, situations what it meant for me, etc)..

Of course I'm right. Not knowing what to do though.... Wtf is this.

If you see it that way (about how some stuff about me is structured/how I access it) it doesn't mean it's the truth. I don't want to insist on you being wrong, I just don't want to be misguided and 'build thought trees' on shit things that I can't hold myself accountable for not sensing instinctually how to react to because how does the environment affect me anyway? La ce se rezuma totul?

Every day

Echoes

Years

those-weren't-just-memories

What is definition? :)

I just wanted them to pass,to go away.

I knew I'll grow.

But...Everyone?

No...Impossible.

Of course I'm grateful for many things but I don't want to talk about that out of fear that I'm doing something wrong if I don't.

What do I know anyway about what I like, etc. A little tendril there and someone already has an idea how to ruin it for me, and it's not a test like someone else would say...

I.Tried.Everything.

Desperation manifested accross multipe time/stamps/situations in my life.

'Quit the boy'

=))

Precious advice never reached me, nor intention (as it is).

Something hidden - why I didn't behave differently..

Not mine, or my.

I don't know

It's not that I don't want to dream but love doesn't hurt and apparences of pain aren't tests for a blindfolded heart.

These ppl make a living out of populating ... of my perceived reality with (...) things... A spark there, another thought there, somebody's fucking this way... Living?

*ROFL*

No. 

Why do I hear like this, what made me see reality like this.

What energy? Being a F for what?

If I'm a F from whatever point of view, what relevance does it have to YOU?

I don't even know 'what my light is'. Why would I think too much (just another way to feel bad about myself, held responsible, childish feelings?) about what I do with it, how/to who I give it too etc. No I do not define what it means. Hearing multipe versions (some incoherrent - it all leads to someone eats someone else, popoare de pe diferite planete sisteme WTF - e la un nivel mult mai personal de atat) is disheartening. It's not even the tricky thing close to the gateway before of which you have to prove yourself if you wanna pass and gain more wisdom...

Wisdom...

Rly.. All I hear is 'money'... I wasn't tricked. I was in a lil shock. WTF. Why would someone want to do that with their time.. they have those 5 mins to talk to me. they love me? ok. -_- show. They hate me,we're sworn enemies? Ok let's fight, fiecare cu ce are. But to poison.... men=money...WTF. They have the sudden realization that.. ~Theyshouldntbetherelikethat~ Oh, that's not possible...Pai au si ei vietile lor nu...? Nu.....?! Atunci ce e toata asta? 

Nu ma bazez pe un viitor in care voi fi uitat sa fiu eu (EU EU EUEUEUEUEUEUEUEUEUEU!!!!!!! Nu ma identific cu prenume nume si m-am saturat de minciuni/cacat). 

OF COURSE!

IT'S JUST A DREAM!

And just like I don't say how I truly feel

how I truly feel...

How I truly feel......

In dreams

ahahaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Who controls what? For who/what?

When I do say how I truly feel (in dreams) something always feels weird/offputting. Is it to distract me? some hidden numbers 'creating' smth I would dissapprove of and that's why I don't know at all?

NO IT WAS NOT BATTERY!

♥ Thank you for the art and music. ♥

=))

-Why do you hurt me?

-I like it.

 How can I defend myself?

Facing a reality where

'getting off' from bdsm(ish) scenarios is the most viable survival path(?)

BUT I DON'T WANT TO!

I CAN ROLEPLAY. RP IS RP. (+ I can't even remember when I consensualized to do it last time, anyway, abused EVRY DAY*. It's abuse it's not love it's not remembering it's not how we stay alive it's nothing good no matter how anyone packs it.)

*I don't just complain cause I don't get enough 'goodness' to balance that out with.

It meant nothing. That I 'got off' for that guy (any guy).

What I liked

I wouldn't like the same again.

What I wanted back then.

.....

No.

I didn't bury my pain, I didn't make other things rot due to carelessness. 

'What feels good'

Una e sa traiesti, sa intelegi, alta e sa fi jupuit de viu ca vrea altu sa [...] Nu stiu ce. Orice cuv as folosi acolo => Povesti in care nu vreau sa cred.

"I don't care

That was then

& Then was there"

Patratele de cm2 din mintea mea wasted on OH CUM L-AS FI FUTUT PE ALA CA DOAR LA ASTA SE REZUMA TOT SI CUM NE-AM FI FUTUT EXISTENTELE UNUL ALTUIA CA DOAR NU EXISTA ARMONIE INTR-UN PRODUS AL.......

Remembering doesn't solve anything

A musical note.

To hypnotize?

BUT IT'S NOT HELP, And most I hear is: Oh, it's help, please, it helps...

No!

I didn't even help myself!

It's not fear nor disgust nor potentiality of unwanted whatever that 'keeps me away'.

----------------------------

"It's all for your reaction"

I'm a bit sad I couldn't create a clan in RS3 {Dunno at what point I should start taking it personally & WHY} but not too much, I'm more excited about other stuff in game... 

lol @ smth I found earlier.. 

Enjoying the summer of George

I can do that without giving any fuck about Seinfeld.

What did you see 1st? What did you believe after? WTF is a (the) Government? why do I only see whiny things written by 'the people'?

In some situations it could be encouraging? Reminding? Seen no result. 

[Ofc I don't believe in it - I have no idea wtf is happening].

I don't know :(

imagination(1) vs picking up frequencies(2)

1.What I'd want to think about/build upon.

2.What I don't like or want to think about, improperly (probably) labeled tendencies, can disguise as what I want/like (confusing, I don't want to build upon, keep thinking, etc)

I did many experiments and I will continue to do so. I don't know what to do with my life anyway. I feel foolish saying 'thank you for your support' if I don't even know you, who you are, what support is, is it a thought? my thought (if not how did I get the suggestion?)? a wave of energy sent my way? Who should I believe and why? Until now I've been proven only that all who (rly) approach me do so to manipulate/use me. Good ones hide, don't talk to me directly. And that it's foolish to feel good for something that's not given to me, but 'left' in the open, open for interpretation, to poison myself a lil more with the illusion of choice, when I don't even know the basics to be able to rly start thinking right. AH! Now come those that suggest ALL thoughts are bad/lead to bad places. Like bad syncretism. WTF. 

Dislike/disapproval =/= Resentment/vengeance;

Forgiveness = ?

:)

₪₪₪ No love | Forget it. ₪₪₪

:(

"Everything is easy, otherwise, it's something else." (Me ~ as a response to Asoka: "Nothing worth doing ever is."(...easy) Star Wars Rebels season 2 ending of ep. 3).

But I love wind

Of course I want to learn my lesson(s). When I was a child, I had a feeling what they're teaching me is not what I want to/should learn, I didn't like most people around me, & not much has changed since then.

I have no friend. I asked my 'invisible friends' to search for a different word because 'friend' could only be in the body, like I am. I can't write these things without using body parts & tech.. If I had a friend, would I write these? Don't know, probably not. It's selfish to keep me away from smth natural just because you (whatever) might not get something you like (but it's useless). Yeah I feel I'm kept away from something good & that it's not just karma or the results of my choices/actions.I don't know what to do and DOing is everything I want to do for a while, to make up for the past. (For myself).

"I don't give a fuck about what you like".

In all these years and so much (potentially fertile) EMPTY psychic ground. I haven't been approached once by something pleasurable (to me). Insulted every day & blamed for what I don't like, kept blind & not knowing basic stuff (so I can't have an opinion). I don't mean little fleeting pleasures here or what pertains to that sort of Laboratory. I mean something that I would feel it's important (for me). To develop, grow, seek, know more of, etc.

I searched. I didn't find myself stuck in points of pain & disdain ( :) ) in the past. None of them. The important moments (nothing shifted anyway - FOR ME). The scares the jealousy the finding the clicking the guilt the 'fear' the dislike the paranoia the chances the unsuspecting the way I looked at things. All the names, faces, peoples, stories, ways of days going by. Not nostalgic/wanting to repeat from 'the good stuff' either. Dunno what this means. 2 bifurcations here, not all I took as good was good. & Repeating is pointless (if it's not growing into something else) + I always disliked people recounting memories, especially my family, especially what they were talking about as good times of friends, merriment & ... 

Meanwhile: clues:unfruitful. Only more nightmare unfriendlyness & lack of choice. Disgust & lack of choice. Insulting (manipulation & use of time). Lies & No way to find justice. I don't seek it here, on my laptop/notepad/blog/wherever I write this on. But I have nowhere to seek it because I don't tolerate anymore what once was (part of) normal. The world, as I saw/knew it, the people...

I didn't dislike orgasms per se, but for something with so much advertisement, I found nothing special. At different ages you have different approaches. Young and lonely, with nobody good to you around to guide you or correct you, of corse you start thinking there's something wrong with you if you don't like it. IT'S CLEAR from what you've read/seen, it HAS TO be something else, otherwise those people wouldn't act like that. And yeah. It has to be the best thing ever because there's nothing higher than that in the hierarchy of pleasure, No? Doh. Manipulation of plateaus and stages and kinks and oh justanotherparagraph under my nose. Take her seriously now when she's wrong, don't help her or believe her on how she really feels like. It's simple. But we wouldn't have these years, we wouldn't have them. What would we call them then? 

Bombarded with invitations to limit 'self expression' & fuel some more some things that have never been 'alive' for me, a sign in the 'real world' doesnt hold more value than any other sign in the 'real world'. I'm easy to understand, I'm happy. I don't know what to do with myself or how to be more clear than I already am & was. I didn't really join anyone or pledge aliegence to any sort of school of thought/spiritual movement. I am not an atheist & Don't think all there is (to me) can be from chaos and not order. I see God as order but not manipulatable by anyone (for real - big picture). & little pictures dont matter (they matter only for the Purposes - which I don't know, but this doesnt mean anyone could be able to influence me about it). I don't see god as father & mother nature as mother anymore. I hate being both happy & miserable at the same time, every day. Even if the reasons changed. 

The wound about love & sex is too big not to do anything about it. It should be at least little steps, every day. (Something proven that works). Death/memory dissappearance is a silly suggestion from ??? that shouldn't be on psychic telephone with me WTF is happening with everything? I did not invite

open the door

it's not me or something like one of my 'aspects'.

It's not a trickster (I feel love around those even the nasty ones).

????????????

...I'm very lonely.

It's not an invitation

Nor lament as annoying complaint.

Nothing bad

Not an ice breaker either.

Doesn't soothe talking about it.

Or seeing others write similar things. I don't want to assume stuff about people anymore.

None of that 'what wind you catch' makes me more of this or that (receptivity/female). Systems are not defined (enough) for me to rly have an opinion.

Logical & simple, all for me is. (Should be in a moment means is in another moment even if I'm not there it doesn't matter - it's a 1 thing not group thing).

It's a 1 thing

Not group think

I deny all. Choose to break all ties, like I did in the past as well. I seek the eyes, they never meet mine. So much changed, nothing improved. Providence is not Prozac & faith is not a path to teach others. No* self knowledge = wtf do you even care about 'others' for? *lack of correct

Every word I say is funny

In the mouths of the many

Who can't talk.

When I couldn't talk

I didn't have a mouth

Or it was stuck.

This is God's world. A dream of a dreamer in God's world. No god (for you?) No problem. That other shit doesn't apply either. 

:(

They are treating us like fools :(

I dreamt wasps last night, but I didn't feel anything negative about them. Wasp colony (in a glass), eggs, babies. The eggs were not in a honeycomb like structure, only laying there. I was picking up babies & putting them in the glass jar with the wasp adults. Fragile but I didn't harm them. 

~~~

What happened was not somebody trying, trying to do something new <3 with me... (towards which I was 'inhibited'/'unreceptive') ~ about past sex life stuff.

Voices talking...about life, the state of being alive... I don't know what I hear... Nobodies talking about stuff using the word 'We'... More boring than Manson's Nobodies.... Anyone could hide under such words... I don't... I don't know why... (la mine nu se aplica). I'm sorry if I misplease you but again, "I don't give a fuck about what you like". & this shouldn't impact my life in a negative manner at all.. As it does/did/apparently keeps on doing... Imi e atata scarba de multe chestii pe care le-am vazut experimentat, fara sa stiu de ce/ce sunt... Apoi minciuni...Inca putin timp... In favoarea cui? Multi si diferiti, eu nu ii cunosc, nu am o opinie definita. Din cand in cand vb ca un singur obsedat, apoi dispare... Valuri? Serios? Voi cum mai puteti sa va luati in serios? 

Nu am cu cine sa vorbesc despre tot ce s-a intamplat (prietenie,intelegere,terapie,comunicare) si asta face oarecum actul vorbirii nul, chiar m-am saturat sa vb de una singura in capul meu apoi sa imi zica altii ca nu e capul meu, trepte, de la boli la amintiri si ce a insemnat ceva cand nu a fost nimic... Una e sa iti dea cineva dreptate, alta e dreptatea in sine. I didn't ask others to tell me that I'm right. With someone's wrong programing, they can't teach me about what is right :( & the time.. Time it takes to observe/make up more silly ideas in my mind, smth weird wrong here (They want us dependable). I CAN'T TACKLE WHAT NEEDS SORTING & I can't tolerate "can't", & I won't.. & I played the role of "Can't" into many scenarios & I still won't take it. Nobody played me, I was playing something, even if unknowingly.

Ruin Card Crowley deck ~ No, I don't believe some people can be so deep in their foolishness & desire for useless pleasure cocktail.

OR

Ignore & do more where you see you can.

o.O

Rewinding it all fast, the things that I deleted too, as I remember....

What I add as time goes by is irrelevant, makes me think of the irrelevance that was & became something that I don't like or want (in mod special). BUT IT WAS SOMETHING BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE SERIOUS. IT'S IMPORTANT. SPIRITUAL SIDE OF LIFE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT & IS INFUSED IN ALL, even if I can't (apparently) find the truth about this.. In Corpus Hermeticum... Nothing good on Earth idea ~ maybe I don't understand this, I don't wanna misjudge it. 

'Sweet memory will die' Riders of storm...Let the children play...

OH!!!

YOU'RE THE BAD ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE YOURSELF

</3

Laura e doar un nume, nu un pointer. (Nici macar in vise nu pot fi eu - se intrerupe,sau vine atmosfera grea cand spun ceva incomfortabil).

Minciuni Sophiastice

Citeam si puneam pe pereti(Walls,Timelines)

Eu doar cautam(Self Knowledge Inner & Outer)

Infinitul era prezent oricum

Pentru ca nu are cum sa fie altfel

Nu simteam greutatea greselii

Nici care era aceea

Sa inghit timp e una

Dar nu vreau sa-i mai las sa-si faca de cap. (Un intelept dupa aspect, canta manele despre cartile lui, si ce se lipeste).

Eu doar cautam.

Nu greseam.

Inquiring is not opening up for plunder.

  |                      |

What I               How it felt like

wanted

A real man would finish you off.

Toleranta pentru tot = 0 (gand gandit dupa ce am auzit ceva de la tv din camera cealalta).

Alegere bani

Nu uiti nu uiti

Nu ai ce sa faci ca nu stii ce se intampla

Nu e cum crezi

Nu stii ce e ce vezi..

Nu stii de ce nu te lasa in pace

De ce-l tot visezi pe fostul desi nu l-ai mai vrut o data dupa despartire

Nici un dubiu (dar nu straluceste)

Din ce o sa mai faci bijuterii?

Cum o sa-i mai minti pe urmatorii? (Clienti)

Te rezumi iar la o trepta, ala e rolul ...Toata lumea intelege

Noi suntem aici ca sa ne ajutam

Timpul e o minciuna

Dar trece oricum

Hai,mai uraste-te putin...

Ca oricum nu stii ce e.

Supravietuirea zilnica nu e niciun motiv de lauda.

Damn! I love the music but I would never support someone (With my heart) who accepts to put themselves out there like that :( </3  https://youtu.be/yh89dbFNOtY (Esp. Isolation). When I bought some music albums in the past I wasnt supporting the artists. :) All the story in the description is null for me. There's no place for nobody to nest in or have future excuses. (& That's how it always was - When you calculate properly using those tricky time formulas fetishes of going backwards in time). It's not like, It didn't happen yet, because I didn't calculate it. It's more like, I don't like the result, so I can hide anyway since that is not important enough as a topic now & if it will ever come to be responsible for it, there will be something else in focus like it always happens I GAVE MY SOUL FOR THAT SO IT FUCKINGWORKS.

How do I know this? Main idea is correct, details & way of expressing it might not be accurate depending on communication system. Self Knowledge* , I did very similar things in the past, but never wanted to sell my soul, Love. 

*(I only know details about myself, not whole -wholeasicouldknowaboutnotwholeasinallallgodlvl-,that's one of the reasons for unhappiness) ~ so don't dare say I contradict myself. It's a little more than knowing how to get out of uncomfortable situations.

The suffering others? ~ What about the suffering me? That's the only one I know about for sure.

Hints scattered through some stuff I pick up ~ I can't take rly seriously, or think they're my friends, because very soon after smth changes. Like a bad roleplay (I wasn't seeking that nor accepting). I can't view it all like a Greek Amphitheater where various plays (personality facets, playful acts) take place. I don't want it to be (like) that. That's not what I seek through what I do. 

There's no fear in sincerity & it's no hero something I perceive as an abused setting :( I'm not being a dick nor rejecting, but seriously now.. It's illogical & It does not pertain to my animalic side either. 🤯 "Oh, I'm horny", what should I do now? :-) It's more complicated than: Nobody pays me to figure this shit out... I'm alive but I feel I have no life, and all I find is shit, best I do is to distract myself & what I like I like because it helps with distracting from what I don't like (~Debatable topic & adiacent topics). A hurt being that doesn't know how to like and lives every day being misinterpreted and having no word to say about it. Ages pouring with images from stuff seen before, words such as Act, Action, Choice... Making no difference whatsoever... Including you, -15 lei Lidl app voucher. 

I'm wrong when it's convenient. They see me/they don't. I wish I had a choice what to do with ALL those bad things thoughts with ppl I knew & sexual stuff, inbreeds & whatever 'best spent cent'. 

Grateful for many things, too pissed off about everything.

Nu e apa calda pana maine la 23:30 si chiar vroiam sa fac un dus calumea mai ales ca mi-am luat chestii noi :-<

My answer is no.

<3

My Class: Alone

[...]

#@^%$^%(&)*(&^&@#$&%*^(&)*

That's not what I loved a man for.

#@^%$^%(&)*(&^&@#$&%*^(&)*

Power Exchange? TPE? FFS I doubt anyone thought I meant it when I wrote that on my blog years ago. Online Karma Police? 

Yeah

Everything should be clearer.

No,no,I don't want you to know,

Know,know,I don't want you to no..

Why would I want to be chosen, by something that I wouldn't choose? :-) - Tampoco ~ Pisci.

:(

That nipple licking thing is so annoying. :( I debated but reached no conclusions. ANY 'prompt' annoys me. 

Even the pleasure if I knew?

Pleasure?

The speed with which I eat (devour,chomp & swallow) something & find it delicious?

Then the opposite (long time) I have to wait to understand... Not having any certitude that one day I will...

*sigh*

Surprises are nice, like how I heard a sound in game earlier somehow amplified, highlighted? But considering how my dreams are lately (nu am pretentii dar totusi, daca m-as auto judeca necunoscandu-ma*, uitandu-ma la vise, as crede ca sunt vreo obsedata, sau ca imi pasa mult de 'blood ties', sau de fostul). *I don't Know Thyself Myself enough, I meant it a lil different in context. Really. 

Amintirile Emotiile tot..Imagini obiecte mirosuri cai... I wasn't weaving... Even though I've heard that's what we do as humans... 

Zgomot de sus pana jos.

Bataie de joc la ceva ce inca inseamna ceva pentru mine dar nu pot pune in cuvinte, nu vreau sa fiu contrazisa ca apoi sa gasesc altele... Si nu, nu vinovatia m-a invatat asta... Reflexele (normale) nu au insemnat niciodata mai mult pt mine.

Terms :))

[They're dead already]

Yes.

Minciunile pulii.

It's easy to clean the blood off from plastic money.

https://mmmylittlecorner.blogspot.com/2020/03/wake-up.html

https://mmmylittlecorner.blogspot.com/2020/07/latelies.html

Another nightmare last night... Spooky apparition/morphing... I was thinking/saying in my head, almost like praying. Sa fac lucrul intelept, fara durere sau regret. Daca doare, e gresit. Then I woke up, feeling an interesting transition between the sleeping/dreaming & wakefulness state - in the body. (Happened more times recently).  

~

Another ordinary day in the Ordinary World

<3

Biscuits! (Piscoturi) ~ That's their Forever. Wtf! I spent seconds reading that. (pun)

Thoughts HAPPEN? =)) Is it bandwidth or tape? De ciment, cu masini pe ea? Arta?

Yeah, even those dreams in care 'fac ceva bun' gen, acord prioritate in trafic desi altii incalca regulile... Pffttt Cine te poate invata Oportunismul Corect in aceasta viata?

Nu ma identific cu 'mine' din vise... Decat putin... Si daca sunt mesaje,observatii pe care cineva incearca sa mi le transmita, cine sunt aceia? De ce nu stiu? 

Ce stiu - Nu eu trebuie sa stiu (Stiu deja)

Ce nu stiu - Pas. No progress.

A little more confusion, that some say it's chaos, but I see chaos as art too/ artistic/beautiful, si nu trebuie sa coexist cu nimeni care are alte opinii, nici macar similare, sunt singura ffs. De f mult timp :)

https://www.dreamstime.com/retro-music-cassette-tangled-tape-hanging-outside-slowly-withdrawing-image114809374 

I remember being fascinated as a child, thinking about music & casette tape... How is that stored there, how I get to hear it... & record over & then hear myself, being a lil confused as to why I don't always like my voice that I could hear.

~ Deprisa deprisa a rumbo perdido ~

Posterface!

"Never You Mind"

🎶 They told him, "Don't you ever come around here"

"Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear"

The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear

So beat it, just beat it 🎶 (M.J)

They say they'll fill you up, but they only break you down

And once they crawl inside, they have you figured out

As they crush your spirit, blind your vision

Taking every word and twisting

Every move's a wrong decision, paralyzed with doubt

They'll try to set you right by pushing you around

As you get victimized you barely make a sound

Cause the virus is designed to hack into your mind

And leave a gaping hole inside so you can't know yourself

Don't believe a word (The Plague)

'cause words are only spoken.

And a heart is like a promise,

meant to be broken.

Don't believe a word,

for words can tell lies.

And lies are no comfort

when there's tears in your eyes. (G.M.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyone could write those words, boyo.

~

'Data' ~ to be bought and sold in the MarketFace? :(

Scriu ceva intr-o aplicatie de pe mobil si imi raspunde 'ceva' intr-un episod dintr-un serial si E VINA MEA ca nu imi dau seama corect care e treaba ca sa nu (mai) am pb.

Azi zambim, radem si ne umplem de pump, maine doare si iar nu am voie sa stiu de ce. Expertii pulii sau 'familie', nimeni nu vorbeste cu adevarat. </3 (</3 nu pt ca am atasamente emotionale, ci pentru ca nu 'e' nimic altceva - ads fac parte din acest terci).  

Gaseste tu si da-ne!

N-ai voie.

Toate la timpul lor.

Iar aud de sclavi si 'altele'.

K-ul lor, K-ul 'nostru' ( :( ).

IQQI

:))

Sa fie clar! "Pai daca te ascunzi...Inseamna ca ai facut ceva gresit!" nu se aplica la ce fac eu pe internet, etc. 

G-R-E-S-I-T find define bottle serve

find define bottle serve

find define bottle serve

Find... Define... Bottle... Serve...

Those who prefer to fool around* are not those about to rock.

*No excuses!

Ahahahaha Who defines what Optimal vs Fooling around is?

<3

Unthought thoughts weirdness.

Today will be lost, tomorrow another chance to pass. I'm very sad because I get insulted on most channels :)

Pain & ?

Who are all these people?

I didnt give meaning to numbers the way started talking abt numbers such as 26 as to mean something what it means for me this life(My mother's bday), mixed with conspiracies, stuff I don't believe in. (It's worse than school bullying & NOBODY does ANYTHING about it for real - pings & 'phonecalls'? Seriously? What do we have to call 'life'?) Moments that pass & don't mean much for me, & I can't have a proper attitude about it to instantly apply next time I encounter smth similar. Time passes & shit happens everyday, aparently with no meaning or connection. "Innocents".

I think there are things that should be honored & having nothing rly do do that in my own life for real makes me feel worse than physical starvation or other discomforts. & I'm not so upset because of the lack of 'comfort'.

Nothing to do with lightbulbs either, or too little (where it matters), & again it's not because of the limited opportunities I have to understand the Ultimate Reality as a human named Laura, responding to God-Knows-What as a 'robot'. :-<

I never fueled those things.

I was trying to listen.

I still don't know what a girl that didn't know how to play with dolls meant, but I somehow see the effects everyday, and I don't think it's a consensual reality/consequences.

What did you want? The pet. Why? To have it, because I like it, to unlock that event thing, I don't mind if I don't get it.

What upset you? Most of the 'psychic' disturbances/I do not see them as attempts for anything good/training.

2018 =/= 2022. "Constantly training" ~ Voices from the deep speaking truths or voices from the deep speaking something innocent because you don't gtfo as I already told you.

OH, SHE DOESNT KNOWWWWWWWWWWWW..........(yet)

I want a real...... Not this bs, that only gets more insulting, & ......??? To survive through it is not something I can have as purpose/feel good about it. 

:-)

*gone hunting*

Did 'Ancient' mean anything bad to you, before you started seeing more of the conspiracytalks & what you picked up upon, psychicly? -No. Not really. Beautiful art and stuff I liked to imagine from time to time, about those times, based on what I found. However, in the multitude of things I encountered in this mess that my life became (with no connection to rl happenings - shit plays:( ) it's one of the topics I like more than others. What does this say about me? Not sure.

Weirdness. I appreciate some but I 'revolt' so much bc something that to me feels easy to solve is not being tackled, I don't know my part to play in it*/what to do. The challence, the true test(s), etc.  *Individual level & to understand Whatever the 'rest' is. I do not want to give benefits to something I wouldn't ...Agree with... stupid examples money is a guy or a couple (guy-another grl), places, like a city, is 'calling', blablabla. Something weird about this & 'secrets' concerning these things.

Things to protect

Things to earn

Things to deserve

:(

I wrote a lot again bc I rly got in a weird mood because of game atmosphere (I play RuneScape these days), how I'm not ok with not being more 'social'* & avoiding stuff because I rly don't feel like seeing the next painful thing & that pain doesn't come from lack of understandment towards others or lack of compassion. 

"You're like that because someone thinks something somehow about you" ~ but it's always someone that once I feel a bit of, I don't care about their opinions. (ghost voices about WHAT THEY'VE DONE as achievements).

*I enjoy MMORPGs more than other game types, because of how the games are, not necesarily the social (chatting)/group activities. Even if I'm more of the hermit type and never really liked/seeked group content. [I don't think I should explain what this means for me because there's only 1 version of it with some tempting tendrils of 'information' flowing around my mind *sigh*]. Player - char - a person playing it. But what are people? Because I've never been anyone else. Over the years explored multiple game worlds in mmos, don't have a favorite, sad that I remember little from some of them, but my life sucked back then & so did some of my choices. 

Anyway, things started getting spooky for me since ~2019 when it comes to games too, so... I'm still trying to learn why, the correct version. 

It's a game, but I play a game in my rl.

The game is the game. The 'game' is NOT the game, feels like interaction between people. Yeah it bothers me when it's bad/negative conotations/whatever but some things bother me more -  I don't want to speak with my (imaginary) friends like this.

Varied types of 'talking' that I got used to during these past years... 

Some things which are not fruits. & it doesn't even matter. But that second when I see smth 'bad' & feel a sad 'Why am I seeing this?'.(like smth is taken from me & used for whatever conspirational purposes - ) ~ Then I feel I did a mistake again.

I didn't read correctly again.

IGNORANCE because of lack of SELF knowledge.

:(

They said 'war' ~ I still don't believe it.

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are loved, dear whoever. Even if you don't feel loved right now, or you don't really love something about yourself, know what you are loved, and lovable. 

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tulburare de procesare senzoriala =)) Nu fac misto de nimeni, dar..La ce s-a ajuns.. Minciuni acoperite cu alte minciuni, mormane de cacat.

'Cuvinte noi' 'noi trebuie sa facem'

Ca sa ce, cine? 'Macar de mi-ar fi (si) mie bine...'

Aia nu sunt bebelusi.

<3

~~~

=)) Is that a message from my spirit guides, or an ad in the multiverse?

I don't wanna use from that thing if it's not mine. La comun? From me, nada. {:) Stone Soup & community whatevering might be good in some circumstances but I was talking about different things here, personal. The inability to differentiate between personal & community says much about.... ? ... Dunno, not me!}

I don't want to make new memories for replays.

Thirsty for truth, not scared about it. Not scared about the lies either, just sad.

Cause there was nothing else, nothing more to do. (thinking about tongues, oral sex, uninvited whispered misinterpretations of BIBLICAL proportions). I'm blamed cause I did it, blamed cause I thought this or that thing about it, blamed cause ~I can't see the correct perspective as a human called Laura~ (lol), not victimizing myself, WTF, I'm a seeker but I'm not & I wasn't selling tickets or renting or whatever jokes like this tickle your .... Lol now that I wrote this I'm ambushed by other cruciates, the 'dick feels good in vagina' ones with juicy (imaginary) examples. YEAMAKEITREALGANGBANG !| |!  _NEVER_AGAIN </3

WTF is freedom?

~~~

Power of words

Hmmm.

Interesting... It was my idea :) The tendency to look outwards for 'why was that?' happens maybe because I don't know what to do with the inner stuff?

Dreaming* never killed anyone, I could think of whateverthefuckiwant and even make mistakes, learn, find, dismiss... There's smth that needs sorthing though. Not as a prerequisite necessarily, dunno, that's how I feel.

*I meant that as daydreaming ~

So many bad dreams... Hard to go deper in understanding/learning from symbolism, clues from 'the other side'. 

</3

Afara? Cacat. In casa? Cacat. Ne jucam de-a prostii, asteptand (?) Moartea? :-? WTF =))

"Hai mai linge-ma putin." MA UIT LA O POZA IN MMASII NU INSEAMNA NIMIC PT MINE SI DA SUNT IN CAUTARI FIERBINTI.

~~~~~~~~

J, I'd hack into your account and make a chargeback, if that would stop me from hearing about 'you', "new one". What about the old ones who never spoke?

WTF is this all about, who tolerates it and for what?

Mie nu mi-a iesit nimic.

Putin mai aproape de adevar dar nu stii oricum nu e o incurajare.

On the nature of how 'insignifiant' obsessions develop, and the passing of time.

Did I want YOUR _ _ _ _ _? No. (Some ... is not your ... or*)

Did I know what I'm showing you/what you see? No.

Was I asked anything, to give a response that would go as choice to continue whatever? No. (many lies about this).

I don't like complaining and this is not complaining but I've been way too humiliated and ... ??? E instanta realizarea cu ce faceam inainte ce fac acum si de ce nu mai vreau sa fac unele chestii dar eu nu ma duc la gambling mor de fiecare data cand ii vad fata(taicamiu) si daca era frumos si admirabil nar fi contat ca na fost oricum secunde moarte nu am dat nu asa se da , datul si luatul si incadrarea in religiile lumii PULA nimeni nu a vorbit nici tupeistii care mai ziceau cate ceva dar de fapt eu vedeam 1 singura chestie si daca era gresita nu ar fi trebuit sa se puna nimic oricum. (nu numai) CA ASA ZIC EU.

Tortura psihica zilnica. Amagire si nimic altceva.

Blandetea pulii somnul nu vindeca, nici timpul.

Toti vorbesc de zei dar nici unul nu vorbeste.

CA E ALTCEVA ALTFEL DAR NU TREBUIE SA VORBIM AICI ASA AICI NU CONTEAZA E CA SA FIE LINISTE ADICA NU CONTEAZA DACA FAKE.

Fute-m-as pe voi de scarbe ca suportati asa ceva.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / 

Da sunt ok cu mine

Dar n-am ce face nici cu asta.

*I am severely uninformed about everything.

 But hints and occultic winks are not something I wanna build upon. 

<3

Sa legam prietenii si sa ne dezlegam picioarele.

Scris in cap ramas in memorie scris pe un site scris de mana, cu unghiile, cu degete, simtz sensibil care nu poate sa isi dea seama, in oglinda eu sufar dar nu e asa, minciunile inseamna altceva.

​​"The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth"

Fara efecte speciale for a while

Sad... Daydreaming about touches that aren't trademarked, can't seem to be able to imagine anything to ease my cravings. I start thinking of things I like, to find my way, and most of the time something else happens in my mind, other feelings start playing, doesn't seem like a natural process, I don't know what to do.

Between Je vous deteste a tous & I feel embarassed cause I don't even know who I 'took' money from (why was it different than how it appeared to be).  

:( No matter what I did in the past, I don't have weird fixations, man, and I don't want to seek someone to do same things with, no f***g way. I don't want someone to reach orgasms with, not only because orgasms are very uninteresting (not because I couldnt have better ones), mental blinks are weird & not a way to communicate properly. Something that takes less than a second with a thought imprint. WTF 'forces'. Pages could be written but shit is sucked from other things. & I don't have the patience to (scenario) wait for others to understand what really happened ~ I can't even see MY story properly, how could I vouch that others can and what do others mean to me? I don't get anything (gain, advance at a pace I'd call it advancement) & I'm sick and tired of what I hear about what's happening.

Something that is pure by default but others ~ to take advantage of? Asa vad eu psychic telephone lines/sphere/ whateverthefuckthatis. It's not that badness cant exist there, but it can could should EASILY be dealt with si nu am citit asta nicaieri sau poate ala e adevaratul sens de a citi ceva? Nu pun pret pe cuvinte si nu numai pentru ca niciodata nu am primit unele cum vreau eu. (Bre! Obiectele nu se pun, gen cand gasesc ceva care imi place si vai oh alea sunt cuvinte!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

Money?

Correct meanings?

Uitaturile (nu lapsus,nici preconditii de conditii) nu mai inseamna nimic pt mine cand mi se intampla, gen, chestia aia are suprematie, e mecanic asa deci inseamna ca chestia aia functioneaza, am suparat pe cine nu trebuie/nu m-am avut bine cu cine trebuie. 

STIU ca nu e problema/vina mea si nu am dat voie nimanui sa 'tag along' la nivelul la care mi s-au intamplat/mi se intampla niste chestii. Not even friends. I never had that type of friends anyway. What are friends? Compacted memory of identifiable identifiers? Or sparks that come and go with no identifier? !WTF! I'm at an age where I should've known such things a long time ago to better implement shit in my reality, enjoy life, not make insignifiant mistakes waste of time oh that shit lives because i thought of it so what if it's wrong it's my fault. Yea, yea. HAVE CHOICES! Nivelurile mereu balansate si corecte *conspiracytalk* deci nu am de ce sa ma plang catre marele arhitect, lol.

Cand zici NU de n ori si tot ce simti e ca esti un caine prost, cum se numeste? Ca ai alegeri? Alegere nu inseamna sa astepti. Desteptarea.

Dear my hypothetical keeper, daca mi se mai sugereaza cacaturi care suna a tine, voi continua sa fac exact aceeasi chestie. Nimic. NU E VINA MEA ca citesc gresit, am cautat peste tot si am facut lucruri pe care nu credeam ca le pot face asa (not boasting, just saying, I'm devoted to some stuff) si ce am castigat? Nimic. Timp. Gadilaturi. Nu a meritat tot cacatul care mi s-a intamplat si mi se intampla zilnic. E inutil sa folosesc timpul (sa ma invat asa) dand raspunsuri si atat. Aia nu, aia nu e asa, aia parca imi place, vb serios nu am inteles nimic din terciul numit viata mea si nu pentru ca they were shy/ nu mi s-au aratat, dar tot ce a PREVAILED nu a fost pe gustul meu si nu exista alternativa - asa ceva nu exista pentru mine.

That's how I feel. Ca nu merita nici macar sa le spun Dati-va dracului ca nu am nevoie nici macar de banii vostri. Nu vreau sa va mai vad, pretul pentru ca m-ati ajutat? Sa visez fetele lor si cacaturile alea, din fricile mele n-ar iesi niciodata asa ceva. Uratenii si perversiuni... (Asta nu e pentru unii clienti, nici pentru mesteri iscusiti, nu stiu pentru cine e, cineva ceva imi submineaza realitatea cu chestii legate de bani/rude/ce am citit undeva/ FARA sa fi masurat emotia dorinta ce se plateste daca ar fi fost un calcul de laborator precis). 

The lie far outweights the benefit(s) <3

AGAIN, nu stiu ce inseamna L(aura) pentru tine/voi, dar eu tot ce am experimentat asa am experimentat, nu ca si altceva/altcineva. Nu inseamna ca carnea mea de laura simtea tot ce isi imagina fata aia(EU), dar e o idee simpla si m-am saturat sa fiu contactata sa mi se spuna chestii si sa vad confuzie asa legata de identitate/tot. Nu e vorba de momentary awareness in timp ce faceam ceva cand voi m-ati cunoscut intrun fel. Nu stiu ce inseamna pastlives si nu am wannabees. Nu sunt left hand path si nici un path despre care v-as da acum o pagina web, gen NA! Asta ma reprezinta. Ce e asta? Idei fascinatii ce am simtit in trecut inseamna altceva. Ca simt ca altii stiu exact la ce ma gandesc cand vine vorba de chestiile astea si asta imi ofera un fel de alinare nu inseamna ca e ceva gresit cu mine, ca vreau asta de la ei ca sa ma simt eu mai bine. E ceva care ma fascineaza si despre care nu am invatat suficient, nu ca sa ma simt eu bine, ca sa simt ca fac ceva cu viata mea, intr-un fel. NU sunt subordonata niciunei religii si nu ma pot baza ca sunt in mainile cuiva si sa am incredere, intr-o lume in care am vazut ce e posibil. Urate cuvinte, sa faci ceva cu viata ta, dar nu de la ai mei le-am capatat, nu din trauma au ramas, cum sa mai vreau sa schimb o vorba cu tine daca tu la notiuni atat de elementare ALEGI sa imi faci rau, mintindu-ma sau orice numai ca sa iasa socotelile in alta parte, nu in capul meu. Ii aud pe altii de care nu imi place. All my life I wanted to get away from a form or another of em. :-)

Nici tari nici limbi nici nimic - daca te aud cu sensuri noi mistice din start nu te iau in serios. A fost fun uneori cat cum am ales eu sa o fac in cautarile mele, nu am dat voie nimanui/nu am invatat pe nimeni ca asa vreau eu. E asa ciudat... lol... Cineva ma vede ca pe o pagina? Wtf. Fara Laura... Laura are nevoie de bani, si are genetica naspa. :))  A! Si nu vrea sa tradeuiasca chiar daca e usor, si stie sa puna trecutul la punct doar ca nu o asculta nimeni. Ca sa nu continuie cercul vicios, ar prefera sa faca altceva cu timpul ei... Si n-a deranjat-o niciodata sa vbeasca la persoana a 3a, sau sa fie interesanta. Pentru ea, ca oricum de ceilalti nu ii placea suficient cat sa vada cum e.

Laura e trista singura plictisita si nu ii place sa se prefaca. Nu e vba ca nu stie ce vrea, stie ce nu vrea... Si chestia asta i-a adus numai probleme. Nu stie ce inseamna sufletul ei. E vehementa ca nu vrea sa vorbeasca cu anumiti unii si are probleme din cauza asta. Laura - in carne si in mintea ei.

The correct one(s) take(s) what from who? :))

Am ce manca am ce bea dar nu am nimic si nu stiu ce imi trebuie, poate nici nu as avea nevoie de toate chestiile pe care altii le folosesc ca scuze ca sa se foloseasca de mine... Asta nu e viata... & It's not my shadow that I have to 'do work' with :-< to heal. Nu stiu ce se intampla. Nu scriu chestiile astea ca sa cer ajutorul cuiva, asta simt, nu stiu ce voi simti cand le voi reciti, etc... Ideea e ca my life sucks and I detest all ppl in it and I have no idea what to do, I tried to follow 'la intoarsa' cu explicatii spicuite din chestiile la care ma uitam, INTUITIV, dar nu au avut nici un rezultat. Ce simt - nu am cum sa actionez, si nu din respect. 

Fiecare zi - nightmare. Nightmare si traps. Cam atat. Winks n smirks nu se pun, ca nu duc nicaieri, si nu e vina mea ca nu vreau sa le duc undeva... Lalalala... Dureaza pana... Aha..

Nu e vorba de chestii legate de ADN... Sunt perversiuni mentale suflate aiurea. Aparent, nimeni nu se sesizeaza, e ceva care se aude tare si nu trebuie sa faci nimic, nu stiu de ce nu se intampla nimic.

Nu se aplica nici 'ce rezista', azi ma simt aiurea, maine imi place nustiuce, primeaza _ _ _ _ _ _ . => WIN FT? ...  Nu cred ca e vorba despre viata/moarte/portiuni. Nu pot vedea lucrurile din perspectiva ideii de Samsara, pentru ca nu am fost niciodata adepta cu adevarat, sa cred in asa ceva. 

As face orice sa.... ( ... ) ~ 

                               Intentia conteaza!

                                                  Sa mori tu!

                                                              =))

Ce monstri se nasc din evitarea continua a..? A ce? A realitatii? ROFL. Cand simt chestia aia naspa, si ma deranjeaza treaba aia rau de tot, si nu mai vreau, si vreau sa fac ceva sa nu mai simt chestia aia niciodata, si imi amintesc ca astia m-au luat cu chestii aiurea, fara sa vreau sau sa ii las, din copilarie, etc, chestii la care nu ar fi trebuit sa ma mai gandesc a2a oara, oricum nu am vazut nimic nou, si nu e vina mea...

Chiar nu s-a schimbat nimic, desi aparentele... Si ce modificari :))

Obsessed with listening to stuff from The Dungeon Synth Archives YouTube channel these days...

Oh.. "If things aren’t clear right now it’s because we don’t need to know", thank you Astro Luna Chick, a soothing thought, from past experiences when I felt this, didn't help much.

...To hold on to an idea...  

...When you don't even know what you are.

Some say ... ... ... all seem to fit in stories, that I would only read at my own pace, not how others want, regardless of who those others are.

"It's temporary, don't worry." saw this somewhere, browsed around... WTF are permanent decisions ("Never make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings") ? Can't think of anything. Umm... Like divorcing my ex? Even if the feelings are not quite the same for when I decided to divorce him (fell inlove with someone else, really wanted to leave the country...Again :D), this doesn't mean much, it was a good thing to do. Does that make me a bad person? Don't think so. I wanted to be on my way but all I found was traps (Oh, maybe it's not what it seems, oh, I could make this work, selling excuses?) & lost people or bad roleplayers (& not harmonious life-play as some people like to talk about life divinity play actors). Was I codependent for staying in a relationship I didn't really want? Not sure. I liked some things, analyzing that is 100% unfruitful for me now, I want nothing of him for a long time & the lil experiments that happened after divorce were all fails not even attempts for something good for me. This is not just a phase... The fact that I still dream him from time to time, even as 'friend', makes me feel mentaly raped and defenseless because I don't know what to do, praying about it seems silly, like an annoying roleplay. 

WHAT MY HEART WANTS IS OBVIOUS. Nudged on the daily about this sort of stuff, I never liked TV kisses anyway so why spam me with them if 'a' is '1' for you and for me it's no number you can't shove it in my brain... "Just because" (poor attempt at translating how it feels like) ~ 

The ... I don't give in to... Really?

Who would?

Why?

Because of a promise of feel good?

Natural?

I try to learn from past wrongs not make the same sort of mistakes anymore.

Hurts too much when I think about these things...Because, my conclusion, time just passes, nothing happens... I don't expect something in particular to happen, I FEEL there should've been something else, a lil different, at least with the lessons to learn. "Be patient" ~ as much as I don't like the urge of understanding (so I can act upon whatever in accordance to what I'd call my internal order - and I do that anyway at most, even when unaware, but something's wrong, lacking) but coping hasn't yielded anything more but the same things. To be ok with it smells as useless as having any other reaction towards it, because it doesn't change anything. (I am told this is wrong, but I don't hear why, so I dismiss that too, this sounds like a stupid game of dismiss dismiss, at least when I have an opinion I stand for I can 'go' on it like a thread, and show why, with examples and all - what I get when I expect something similar, strictly for learning purposes, not egoic shit? Noise/Pain/Excuses - Mechanical Marketplace?)

Ok, I get old and die alone... Then... What? 

I don't wanna mate with fabricated things put together from whatever.

It's useless so I don't live it, the 'pride' that I didn't give in to seeking comforts in a way I would've liked more, see that as a tree & talk to 'like minded' people about it, limiting the self for a while to fit in for godknowswhat benefits.

Back to admiring some pretty pixels.(Human male model in Runescape is weirdly sexy. And some creatures too, yea. And other random things. But these don't do the thing). I'm a weirdo anyway.

What's the words for that? What you're accused of (sau ti se atrage atentia) is very similar to your problem, but what happens to you, not what you do?

I wasn't wrong, it was more about how for me then what, as I can see it, why bother to wait until I understand more as if this depends on something from someone else. I know I was clear. Admitting you're wrong and seeing something was different and you had a wrong opinion about it can be a blessing, but... If it's stock market then just lol. Did it ever happen to me? Hmm... 'Putting myself down' ~ nothing happened anyway...

Thinking that orgasms are the best? I don't think that anymore and not sure I ever did, but based on what I've read it was something to find out... I was dissappointed.. I can't formulate a proper idea about this due to two things: Incomplete information about details. Thought market manipulation (& it seems to be about all, not just a lil innocent intimate natural human thing). SEEMS because I wouldn't vouch for... *ding* if my life depended on it. :-< Yea it sucks having no friends, hidey things (you're not more free if you're not accounted). Blah blah blah the truth will set you free oh you just wait and see it's not like they said anyway none of them because that moment is already gone and you know what that means.

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Talk about layers some other day, after more of the shit will be swept away. Oh, how does that happen? 

Not me, not me.

A guide on time? How long does it take for ___ to have effects since you started _____ it?

EFFECTS not excuses.

It's not about them. Never been for me anyway... But I didn't know how to act upon it, I didn't discover yet. I don't wanna do blaming, pointing, etc. 

~

Degenerouted - lol

~

Yea that thing hurt me, a suggestion from the past but it didn't make me stumble or get stuck. It hurt me more like ~ why was that person telling me that? Heck, I like(d!) that person, and telling me that thing can't be a good thing. 

Woke up from a sexual dream, with dinosaur head performing oral sex/ masturbation/ orgasm, something about the rhythm/touch was very off and made me feel bad about it all. Yday I reported a comment on reddit that said ~ "If you learn to flick your bean properly, ____ would be a more relaxed place."

Mentally raped again & 'treated' with best shit.

There's something fascinating about these dreams but I can't see it. I feel that if I did knew/could think about it properly, I'd be able to defend myself, save some ... Do something else... (I don't care if I help others or not, in these cases it starts from the inside out - nobody helps me with anything look what's happening, Dreamland). I feel it's so easy, close... & It's about will (excercitarea vointei), in which case, mine should matter too, & I've been vomiting my intestines ALL MY LIFE about this, not a victim, waiting for someone to hear me... Check all get nothing, all they tell me is lies or descriptions of traps - will I go there? Incomplete shit even from those who want something, lies that serve shit, shit about sheep, no friend, I don't know what sparks are. Letters arranged in useless formulations before my eyes, = , flying, I do not seek escapism as a bad thing, not an excused thing either.

I can't have a story because others haven't settled on theirs? What a very healthy thing to hear. 

Yea, man, nothing ever compensates for these things... They're lying to me & using me & I don't know what to do. It's humiliating to dream like that & immediately wake up. I DON'T GET TO PUT DREAMS INTO OTHERS' HEADS - I wouldn't want to if it was the last job available & my life depended on that money. Little moments of real mental pleasure (what it is to me - nobody should argue with me about it - IN MY HEAD, through the environment, wtf, shows again how sick they are) happen oftenly but I don't store & seek with them, grab & remember, want more of like a retarded child made in the lab when someone wasn't paying attention at their job. 

It's not nicotine addiction.

I would've helped.

& It's not. "What I want" - life, troublesome, gets killed & reincarnates endlessly into love stories to show the world ???????

What "I don't want" - bad life, profitable, alliances, harder to kill because 'skill'/numbers/whatever. Ah! Attractiveness ;;)

I AM NOT COPULATING

MULTIPLYING

PRODUCING

I DIDN'T MAKE BABIES WHEN I WAS A CHILD, NOR TEEN,

I AM A HUMAN SEEKING HOW TO LIVE LIFE.

Being ok with anything...Now I embrace you, then, inevitably (?) the moment comes when I push you away, accepting that as nature's way... "This is how we hide to survive."

Smirk smirk, I see that on your face, "teacher", off I go. 

If God would test me, then punish me for a mistake, I would at least know why.****************************

I don't like that! Yes, you do!.I don't like that! Yes, you do!,(I don't like that! Yes, you do!)

https://1drv.ms/u/s!AmFTvHjN8T4dgQ2MOdGwp5SLlQy4?e=NKJS9t

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