20 Sept 2021

Random thoughts

Hi! It was nice talking to some of you when I was out, even if I still don't know why & how. Knowing more of both why & how is important to me, not to butthurt anyone else. Sometimes I wish I'd do other things when I _ _ _ _ _  do things though... Like... Choose who I talk with, not with 'whatever comes along the way'.


Grateful for some things, thank you, also, not knowing who to thank makes me sad. ðŸ˜¢

I liked that guy (Seba), I liked others too. Why should I think about that now? Been so many years (oh, why did I get pain writing this). There were many guys that I liked, that I didn't talk to too much or interact with.. Why I liked them? Dunno, I wasn't looking for anything in particular, I liked them more than others, yes, but does that even matter? To me it doesn't (at this point + dwelling on past memories doesn't soothe any ache for what I learned in the past years is too.... ..... ). Same, doesn't matter why I stopped liking them.


If I wanted (to do?) more with anyone (meatsuitface) from the past, I would've pursued such path.


I 'scanned' the mall today, and found No one That could be a 'potential interest' for me (romantic, nothing about money here).


When I was bk home, guy on the TV said that there are 2 (sounded like: at least 2) on the northern hemisphere (!!) ~ Shining Together - Are we? For me, the lil adventures when I'm out, hmm.... 

I cannot fully appreciate something not knowing the basics (according to my own criteria of categorizing things).


Beautiful space themed picture - THAT'S HOW A NAKED GUY LOOKS LIKE? For me, Dezbracat de straiele lumesti meant something different, I wasn't expecting to get such an answer (hint/suggestion more than answer). I see no body parts btw. 


Total lack of excitement has a weird effect on me. Nobody was Truthful Enough, not even (whoever was talking through) that wise lady, "Cand stii de unde e, nu ai cum sa te mai bucuri". ~


Sometimes it's confusing to imagine all sorts of stuff, when I close my eyes, or go out.. De mult timp e Prea Putin ce as vrea eu, si mai mult... Inspiratie... Nu cred ca sunt ganduri furate. Cand ajunsesem la etaj si ma apropiam de restaurant, mi-am imaginat (?) basketball players, I was fooling around and dribbling the basket ball very fast... Dunno why.. I get no satisfaction from these thoughts, not even momentarily. I ordered a Happy Meal and got a basketball themed surprise. I appreciated some hints too, dar ce sa fac cu ele? 

The possibility of knowing WTF happens - this gives me a bit of 'hope' ~ Fascinating things. I don't think that if I understood all I would stop being interested or I'd be more sad/disappointed, or some bad tendencies would be more exacerbated, etc. 



Gonna go to sleep soon putting some Hydrogenated Polyisobutene, Carthamus Tinctorius (Safflower) Seed Oil, Aqua/Water/Eau, Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea) Butter, Diisostearyl Malate, Bis-Behenyl/Isostearyl/Phytosteryl Dimer Dilinoleyl Dimer Dilinoleate, Tribehenin, Hydrogenated Palm Kernel Glycerides, Ethylhexyl Palmitate, Euphorbia Cerifera (Candelilla) Wax/Cire de Candelilla, Pentylene Glycol, Olea Europaea (Olive) Fruit Oil, Tridecyl Trimellitate, Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil/Huile Végétale Hydrogénée, Melatonin, Sodium Hyaluronate, Lavandula Angustifolia (Lavender) Oil, Chamomilla Recutita (Matricaria) Flower Extract, Euterpe Oleracea Fruit Extract, Lycium Barbarum Fruit Extract, Rubus Villosus (Blackberry) Fruit Extract, Vaccinium Angustifolium (Blueberry) Fruit Extract, Camelina Sativa Seed Oil, Albizia Julibrissin Bark Extract, Oryza Sativa (Rice) Bran Extract, Helianthus Annuus (Sunflower) Extract, Rosmarinus Officinalis (Rosemary) Leaf Extract, Ipomoea Batatas (Sweet Potato) Root Extract, Opuntia Ficus-Indica Stem Extract, Hydrogenated Palm Glycerides, Gluconolactone, Glycerin, Tocopherol, Sorbitan Oleate, Butylene Glycol, Isostearyl Alcohol, Malic Acid, Citric Acid, Sodium Benzoate, Phenoxyethanol on. Luckily, Phenoxyethanol is the last on the list.😿😹

😺


Something in this verse confused me and I didn't find explanation anywhere. It's not that I can interpret it/imagine however I want/like/see fit. I didn't expect to find it written like this (?) ~ 
To hear hints such as: PIGS DO BECAUSE MRS. Is very saddening and confusing too. 

https://youtu.be/195ihQiUkxY

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Gehen;gehen!❤️

•͡˘㇁•͡˘

17 Sept 2021

Dream fragments & pics

Din jurnal. (am scris asta recent, dupa ce am avut un vis ciudat)
15.09. Dream fragments.
I dreamt I was with a guy (accompanying, not "relationship"). He was not my ex but felt ??? (vibes?) from many guys I knew. I didn't want to be with him; told him it's boring.
School/highschool.. Exam day; I felt I didn't learn anything; I don't remember anyth like giving the exam though. Sciti? Opened books (one had a biblical image with a woman & 3 men ??? - not chariot, dunno why I thought of that). 
Met an old colleague, Aneta, but her name was not Arvinte (name of primary school music teacher). 
Someone passed a joint. I took it in front of the teacher; gave it to the guy.
Deserted place(s). Room(s) - from a home, but didn't feel like that.
Guy showed me smth in a big album. Smth beautiful. A structure? art... Thought it's not worth it to be in a relationship for that. (???)
He had weird signs/marks on his body, not rly tattoos. I liked touching him but nothing more.
I suggested I rly don't know how a dick looks like (not penis/anatomical, I meant something else) & I want to know / not pressuring him to show me - but I felt he knew :( 
At some point I (wanted to?) started running... Sprinting... & then I woke up.

I liked parts of that dream, felt so strange to wake up like that. That day, I was sad. Same reasons...
Found this in FB memories, still feel like this..
Posted on Facebook, 15 September 2020
I'm in pain. I despise masturbating (watching Porn in my own head ~ as if I deliberately choose to hurt myself). They keep asking me to do it again and again ~ after more than 1 year, (!!!!!!!) I still don't know why. I think this is a v big problem. I got many hints but after finding out about < The no free will mechanism > NOTHING else makes more sense, cause we're  on a BAD path. I don't know what all those things really mean, but I am in pain when I 'waste' time yet all I do is a WASTE of time, resources and EVERYTHING!. My calculations are better. Always. Despite all shit i've been subjected to. I am uncrackable, for good reasons, that I can't learn about because of 'debris' (fools) still in existance {I dont know what this truly means or how to contribute to stop it ~ I truly feel that me showing you how I achieve orgasm is NOT beneficial to ANYONE!} ~ My reality is a NIGHTMARE ~ There is NO 'normal' here, we 're ALL being used.

I suffer because it's convenient for somebody else. Apparently. I can't go to bed with this idea.


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Thx 💋

11 Sept 2021

anorgasm & pics


anorgasm... 09/11/2021


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"There's nothing for me here now" - Luke Skywalker

2 Sept 2021