nu stiu

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Rune: Perthro

Card: The Star

• Not feeling too well... (more) noise since yday - I don't like/ + same thing, nothing to do for real... Same "illusions"/ lies = THE reality + I can't dream. Pain when I think certain stuff. Like: Don't tell me what to do. Keywords/execute. It's been too long & I NEVER agreed! :( 💔 Asa ceva ar fi contat doar daca as fi fost de acord pe fata, friendly... ~~~ 

! Nu ma intereseaza ca/daca e casa cuiva! Momentele alea nu au insemnat nimic pentru mine cu adevarat (*) 

- "New" Twitch guy? Bulgarian Language nu inseamna nimic altceva pt. mine oricum, decat ce a fost 2019-2020 cu Twitch guy. (!)

- Money? Srsly? Money - love life - nu pot vbi asa. Not my problem translation errors/incorrect shit care reie din asta. :(

(*) ORICE (ALL) memories I have since that time when "I loved him" ~ thoughts, moods,ideas, ALL. Even now (every day) being played (as memories) in my head. Not my choice/not my liking. Ce ma deranjeaza si mai rau e ca semnalul trimis(de catre mine) e gresit. (!prob main reason why these memories are still played in my head. Not genuine psyche stuff - Not mine - not heart stuff - not genuine progression towards anything). Semnalul trimis e: I like/ I miss/ nostalgie. Etc. :( 💔 This is rape. Against my will. Simt ca ce treb sa invat e f. simplu. Nu mi se arata detaliile si nu e din categoria secret/ocult. Daca as vedea, as putea sa vb. in cuvinte despre asta... Eu nu cred nimic gen: nu se vrea asta. Nu cred in nici o poveste(narrative) ~ Viteza de calcul nu e folosita cum treb. <WITHIN> -> asa pot sa invat eu, si e ...... ca depind de altii ( nu are nimic de-a face cu banii) ca sa invat... My lvl... I'm not selfish... I don't mock anyone... Instant - reglare de conturi. 

Nu vreau pe nimeni as long as I don't learn what happened(What it meant).All.Full version. ♥ it's the only good way. Not interpretations. 1 version only.(many details. 1 story. {}) Has nothing 2 do with religion.

Pain. mockery. Too much time. Lack of honesty.

Don't ask me to hate words. If you have probl. like that, prob. I wasn't even talking 2 u. It's someone's choice 2 do this shit to me. Every day :(

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Dreamt Casio's cage was different. With soil & bug nests? Weird bugs. Like cicadas, but shorter wings. I admired them. Dunno the symbolism.

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Pics:

Podcast: https://anchor.fm/dashboard/episode/e13hums

Nu poti sa cauti adevarul imbratisand minciuni.

Your (understandment of) 'S' - not my problem. 

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~

I'll never encourage someone who wants me (thinks it's ok/necessary for me) to do this sort of stuff: 

Excerpt from a show I recorded on 04.17.21 (17th of April, 2021) while performing before a live audience ^^ 

The full show is available in my MFC album '~' 

See my profile @ https://MFCsha.re/GoddessAzra 

If you join my club, you get access to all my exclusive content. 

Tip 1 token for a 7 day membership. 

-> https://share.myfreecams.com/m/n0ydnen4 <-

Thank you for your support! 

(0% means no money - not complaining! I just don't know what to believe anymore abt money & 'invisible' money, pls don't dumb me down into 'Laura' as long as 'Laura' needs to do all this shit. Past months have been v humiliating regarding this aspect, but hey! It's all an illusion, anyway? Only seen this matter when it's convenient...For stuff I do not understand/agree with.)

Podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Citesc-e13467p

Nu imi place nici de tine.

 

I wish I could have a wish, not what others (anyone) thinks that should be (don't wish 4 me). But... I can't wish anything without knowing, that would be so wrong. To know is not a wish either... A calling... Yes I'm more special than I know/see.

~ Abt feelings (the ones I care about) ~ not a biz 4 me. I'm v. sad. Same reason(s).

:)

...

I had my first kiss at (age) 15

1st fuck at 17

Got married at 31 [2018]

Divorced at 31 [2019] (I can provide proof but it's a bit awkward to put such documents online. I was a lil surprised to hear ~psychic~ that some are not aware about this, smth to do with time)

I am now almost 34 and didn't have a physical partner (lover/whatever) for more than 2 years!

............

But if you want it

Then you must find it

But when you have it

There'll be no need for it

... 

I find cute art. Not knowing the reason/intent for real (very controversial to bring this up when talking about art, but maybe I mean smth else that I don't know how to put in words) makes it PRETTY useless. I have nothing to do for real, and this makes most if not all cuteness pass me by, like wind.. Enjoying the moment is smth else, when you know. Borrowing from/following others is not what I like to do, regardless of how the struggle feels like. I didn't get one direct opinion that MEANT something. All hidden, hiding, not direct... Address me directly, what is that? Pls stop mentioning my initial, I'm not sure in what ways you see me. (I won't let the 'confusion' quicksand me, I never did, even before I met any of you).

I have many blog posts saying the same things with different words. My reality only got more insulting since then, no (good) difference, really.

https://mmmylittlecorner.blogspot.com/2021/02/nu-am-nimic.html

https://mmmylittlecorner.blogspot.com/2021/01/i-have-no-words-anymore.html

Nu stiu ce sa scriu. Nu mai suport sa vad copii pe strada (Nu stiu ce sunt)... Copii si pungi de cumparaturi. Un el care face copii cu alta ... ??? (Ce treaba sa am eu cu el? Sa il ajut? Voi sunteti seriosi? Ce poveste de kkt e asta prostie si victimizare) *** M-ar lasa dracului in pace daca ar fi pe bune*** Cineva care "trebuie salvat" ~ salvage... scraps... Imitatie... Imprumut vs. furt (politia nu face nimic) _ Masti si iar masti... An avalanche of clothes. What drives me; what I seek... Perverted... Speak the language of love... Am invatat pasi mici sa gandesc in scene pornografice... Ceva nu e Truth la treaba asta... Continuum... Harvest... Not death... Same thing as before... lies... Masks... Disturbed - The sound of silence.

Thank you for your comments/whatever the hints are. Nu am ce sa fac cu ele. Daca mi-ati spune ceva cu care chiar sa am ce sa fac, probabil ati uita inainte sa va amintiti cum sa ma abordati/ce vroiati sa imi spuneti. Nu cred asta (My beliefs do not shape my world/reality) E doar o observatie, cu care ofc ca nu sunt de acord si nu am ce masuri sa iau (nici asta nu e un belief!). 

As putea spune ca nu stiu, in loc de nu am, am facut asta de foarte multe ori, rezultatul? Acelasi. Nimic :)

Stiu ca nu sunt aici sa induplec/conving pe nimeni cu/de nimic. Daca asta ar fi fost situatia, as fi calculat (singura) deja.

Viata ca si (din) suferinta?* depinde la care nivel te referi... Eu nu mi pot sa vad lucrurile asa de cand mi-am dat seama ca printr-un costum de carne din cele cu care am interactionat/interactionez, trec mai multi... Nu sunt frustrata, pur si simplu nu am ce sa fac, si nu gasesc cuvantul potrivit ca sa descriu. Nu, nu e nici hopeless.

*Credeam asta, cand il vedeam pe fiecare in 'durerea lui'. (Costume de carne cu o poveste)

🙏

Nici sa ma rog nu mai pot sa fac klumea de cand pana si in biserica porn requests :) si cand zic porn req nu e ca ce urmeaza ↓ , e explicit in capul meu.

PS: Cand zburam cu avionul si imi placea nu stiu ce senzatie "e pentru ca cineva imi facea sex oral" ~ 

1. Nu stiu daca e ceva gresit sau nu (a sti/a a nu sti).

2. De ce mi-ati adus asta in vedere, dupa tot ce v-am spus/aratat(despre sex oral fizic-carne)? Ca sa spundespre inca o chestie "Nu imi place"? Cum sa las pe cineva sa imi faca sex oral -ceva intim- daca nici macar nu stiu cine/cum e /ce fatza are, etc. Doar pentru ca el M eu F? Serios? Viata TREBUIE sa fie despre altceva.

NU sunt parcata.

Multumesc.

M-am saturat de ..... WORSE than low lvl (What if it's low lvl of a game I wouldn't even play? Your fear=yours. Stop SsssssSSSsssssssssing@me if you don't know yourself)

👄

Nu vreau sa fac copii cu straini. Nici cu costume de carne, indiferent cate chestii interesante ajung la mine 'prin'(din?) ei...

BS of the day: Cum dai inapoi? Amandoua in acelasi timp. Habar nu am ce se intampla de fapt. Poate asta ofera clues about why sometimes I get random thoughts about different memories with my ex, for example? (things I didn't like). I thought when I get these thoughts(mental images/memories) it's nothing that bad (coping? even though feels like mental rape) smth like: someone is logging in [scary], or, whatever energy was fueling him(meat) when I got those memories, is trying to tell me something in the Now [?]. I DO NOT BELIEVE THOSE THINGS! I'm trying To figure out wtf happens, to Know Myself.

new

Michel Owner & Founder Canna Bio Swiss din Smardan 28 &/or Crew, or J, or whoever responsible.

Pentru ca mi-am pus chestia asta pe fata (face), chiar este nevoie de atata kkt si minciuni? Ca apoi tot eu sa fiu cea 'vinovata'?

Asta e doar un mic detaliu din cate chestii m-au enervat azi. Enervat/suparat/intristat, nici nu stiu care e cuvantul potrivit. E mult prea mult timp de cand am parte de astfel de 'tratament'.

For the record. Michel e numele unchiului meu din Germania (Povestea cu costumele de carne) ~ Desi pt mine keywords nu conteaza asa, cand ma pregateam sa ma bag la munca ma gandeam la ce produse am cu iarba si cum vai, primerul ala e cu iarba, ce bine. Chiar cand am terminat ma suna de la acea firma (mentioned in 1st line) si ca sa vezi, cate keyworduri... Sunt bagate pe gat... cui???

CuiB???

Nest building, that's what we do?

Nu, nu imi spune iar ca 'vad ca Laura', nu imi imaginam un cuib asa. Indiferent de insemnatate, ceva nu e bine, si NIMENI nu face nimic in aceasta privinta.

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Thank you for supportin' & the pointers/comments I get. De cele mai multe ori insa cand imi e dat de inteles ca..Cineva e ON now (what for me is now) NU STIU cine e, deci nu stiu cum sa il abordez. Sper sa isi dea seama de asta.

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How I earned 1$ 17 cents.

Guy enters room. 

I start getting visuals (e?) about what he might be interested in seeing/experiencing. 

He says that thing to me (pic below, 1st chat bubble); I ask him (trying to be kind) about what he really meant by what he said. Because I KNOW It's not literal, and the poor way of using words made that obvious. I get no reply. I try to imagine more, then I start getting pestered (pushed on triggers, stinky feet and mouth ones). I ask in a jokingly manner if I'm talking to a human or a robot, because If that's the case (robot) I might be interested, but in other ways (trying to have a good time ffs. NOT BECAUSE I roleplay as Dom, that's what I'd do with anyone, indiferent de raport..). Knowing that's what 'he wanted' to hear, I raised my voice, Not really yelling. "You are not able to comprehend that right now" (about the ways in which I'd enjoy the dialogue if I knew he is a robot).

It's not that double domming is not my thing. But this sort of s(h)it(uation) happens in all areas of my life, not only when I log to 'work'. :)

I said There's no need for that meaning there's no need to be so rude/mean. Posting that after he left the room because I talk in weird ways and still don't know how I'm heard. I then decided to screenshot it and add it to this blog post (editing - I got private just as I was editing smth to this post) & I felt weird thought: WE MADE YOU WRITE THAT. So you'll be confused, upset, and doubt yourself some more if you should post this on your site as the impulse we already knew about before you even had the idea ~ shit type of thing.

Don't tell me something is wrong with me, pls. Not anymore.

Thanks for the money! I'll get some beer.

I know what high-end is

I know what high-end is. Saying that I fell in love with a product, a cheap thing, how disturbing/disgusting/annoying/bad.

"Have an orgasm (again), so I know you're a Female" ~ heard this weird proposal, don't know what to think about it. I already said in many ways why I don't like doing that, regardless of what I think about. Didn't learn what I needed to learn. 

~

So, what about time? "De negasit", datorita... Cifre? Coordonate? Time-stamps?

De gasit, pentru ce? About location? Not what it means for me... 

If I'd talk to myself from the past (memories, what I remember,years: 2011-2012), I'm still not sure what I would say because I don't know exactly what the mistakes WERE. So stopping myself from doing smth, would be wrong. 

- Giving oral sex to WHO (?) while I saw mainly the flesh suit & I (incorrectly) thought it's one person only... Oh, this is Him (insert boy name here)...And this is .... (another boy name) ~ I didn't care too much about the details (phys aspects, keywords?) or anything else from them, I stopped looking, for every one of the Ex love-interests o'mine, at some point... Still feel the same, and I don't like repeating myself, saying again stuff that probably I mentioned already in other blog articles. There's no one I like, as a male I know of as of now. So, oral sex, bad? But....Facial! But... Pictures & requests everywhere, In your head, zombie. What's a mouth?

- Masturbating & orgasming for/thinking about guys on the internet... R. from a game, D. from a videochat website (but not really, since I wasn't operating with Intent, as in, FOR or ABOUT, or Thinking about, I reached those orgasms either by watching porn or accessing modules & triggers, thinking bout porn. And it was not like, hey, look, I'm having these porn thoughts, Me & DreamBoy) ~ a misunderstood urge, due to missing M F data/info (?) - What was wrong? And who do I need to appologise to & how do I do that? Every day when I can't complete this inner quest, is a waste for me :( L cannot progress. But I am much more than a letter, slices. Guys I mentioned were more than a letter too, I used initials so you know who I'm talking about. What they really were though, their stories, I still dont know. That I felt Love, varying in degrees and intensity, that's smth else. I can't really understand stuff about that if I don't know what I did wrong. 

Right now[what is my understandment of now, June 2021 after midnight, day is 12/however I put it, someone screams that it's wrong]*, I can't dream about anyone[painful but not in an annoying, depending,stupid female way - Got a ping: "No proof | You're still Parked" Why would I care if you've got no proof for this? Nobody showed you how it's done RIGHT, so... :-< and btw saying I'm parked makes me sad -you can process my entire blog instantly, or, what is to me, instantly,so you can see- and I don't want to dismiss you but smth is afoot.], and if it's your inner quest to pester me, I feel sorry for you. Pestered I am, useless (everything we do) is, as long as... This shit. This is not correct understandment of psychology or understanding of Opposites concepts involving alchemical teachings, as I've seen rumors of. 

There's still something I need to learn about my own mistakes, not necessarily so I don't repeat them with other(s), but to learn, for myself (& this means not harm others as well ~ not only love interests, but, hey! Why would I see them as separate (from myself) anyway). 

2 years after divorce, still single. Sold the wedding rings for 13 RON ~ lucky number :) (means nothing, but a lil' smile). 

I will never be interested in a made-up Whole, like that twitch guy was, in potential. Artists hopefully heard my message and repeat pleading. 

Despre ceilalti, hehe, oriunde m-as fi mutat, peste tot e peste tot... Nu e vba ca era imposibil, dar cu anumite secrete nu poti merge inainte (Mergem inainte! Oh, detest vorbele astea din reclame, sau cel putin ce apare ca reclama pentru mine). Cand vad eu reclame rele triggerele CUI este? C:? Care dintre ele? N-are cum sa fie doar 1... Hmm.. Poate e o porecla... Poate, intr-o buna zi, chiar ne vom distra, fara sa fim distrasi de la ce conteaza... Focus on what matters. (Easily misunderstood words). 

~ To be a channel, I wouldnt mind

For what I choose to focus on, with my mind,

Or with my mind's eye,

So I can explore a life without One lie.

But when I hear my voice say things I didn't choose

And remember the movement of muscles

I cannot doubt myself, but something aches,

As if I allowed the wrongness...

Tricksters lie, I don't mind that

But their lies are like Smiles

And those smiles are not smells of farts.

Or like me sneezing in the middle of the night with nothing really to look forward to 4 tomorrow (today), since I didn't learn my lesson. There is nothing that Costs or that is Prohibited when it comes to the type of learning that I mentioned here. It's like pathways, opened automaticly, and the tricks teach too, and there's no struggle (that is something else).

Dis-tan-cing  ~ I can't learn properly because of social distancing !WTF! (Me getting this Idea was a guy wearing a hat? This is the communication I received).

Why do you taste like someone else? If you knew, you'd be bothered too.

*So how do I interpret/feel about/interact in the NOW? I never had any problem with delaying stuff, because Fear = Bad & Ways = plenty (for true seekers), but that word... Plenty.... Like in a marketplace... Not in space (since you understood what that is)

Breathe in people.

Solids are words...

Marketplace, you don't see anything to buy, everything bothers you for some reason... Oh, I'll get this & use it because it means X thing. Sadness...

I don't want to Invoke for cuteness ~ I always meant srs bsns... & who I wronged I can get right with. 

To those of you that sometimes bring to my attention that I'm Parked. How can I learn more about that it means? What I hear, is ALL tied to LIES in my past. Either documents (Hey I'm "boy_name". That amount on your document is ME!), wrongly interpreted Karma attributes, etc. All easily observable if correct version Speaks. (Mic? Radio? I try to see above the keywords...). What I know from this human life, minght incorrectly send pointers. 

If lies is what you want, I don't want to satisfy your requests.

Medicine is different.

Thank you.