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19.05.2021 Din jurnal:

18.05. Early am. Slept weird/woke up feeling weird. Thinking about my sadness & how it’s mostly because of {spiral} about masturbating/orgasms (4work & not only – all abt this subject/topic). I don’t like anything about this… Keywords… Faces… Ways… Any… Missing me like this is almost like not knowing me, so you can’t miss me… I didn’t like any part… None… & I didn’t even understand (inner knowing or from ppl/clients/etc) the basics of what I needed 2 know. “This fucks up my days” ~ no answer. I wouldn’t do this for anyone, & I have no idea (still) who I’m doing this 4.  -_- . I’m not struggling 2 find purpose… To learn…How? (foundation…building on lies…no good…). Too much time passed with this sort of pain & too little understandment… I didn’t learn. This hurts. What I learned/found out (1) could’ve happened without any/most of this shit. “I don’t know what to do” ~  I really don’t like anything of the …whatever I think about when masturbating… Big lies that I still don’t know of?...??? Unjust… It’s been too long… I felt awful even when it wasn’t. No one listened… As if… They cared about/how I was feeling but not listening… Blame always smth else… More shit… Days… Lies… It’s so illogical, even if you look @ the “heart cannot be controlled” type of perspective. I don’t know what to do… More? For/because of who? This is not love/loving. Or me facing (my) nightmares… I don’t see anyth good abt. This… Why do more? Proves nothing “that I can do it”. Proved nothing… All the times when I felt it can make a difference so I had that as motivation… Who I’d love (in all ways) would never misunderstand me in these ways… Poison*…Blindness… *Not the type that can do anyth… I would embrace that/accept… & go on. Feeling raped every day & not allowed 2 heal…WTF…All I hear is nonsense… Love would never ask this… The, the, the…Excuse! Friends would not do this 2 eachother… Getting drown in lies… Contradictions. Misunderstood…Opposites? [I have seen no proof, just silly explanations]. Have…Have…Have…What? It’s worse than a stupid/bad joke… What to look forward to? Having a face means smth else… Energy (the one I seek/know of) ~ nothing 2 do with this… It’s no healing me masturbating/orgasming thinking bout anything/in any circumstance… Unheard prayers? Prayers are never like that – There’s no love like this…💔 I find no word for how I feel. No soothing… Not to hold on to (in a bad way) ~ to soothe, how bad this hurts. I don’t understand, songs, thoughts… of love… With nobody doing it. Living it. Not an invitation. I lack essential info “to make up my mind” ~ & clues I get are still tainted (more & more stupid & psych manipulative – Bad). M…What? J every day reality… All I step on / interact with… A message unheard, just like me. I never wanted to do it once… I did it because I trusted (wrongly) someone. I no longer do that/care/want him (at all-no part)… So why continue like this? <Bad speed> 4 learning, for the ones I like… We don’t do anything together… How is lately different that…Ever…? Too much pain. Soul insulting. I would do anything ~ but what happens is not that… Nothing changes/progress/proof… Just weirdo’s/fetishes/ppl I’d interact with in controlled (by me-will) ways. No answer… Rly… What I heard of, fits someone else’s ??? Not mine… All lvls… wrong… Stuck… I said, I can’t buy my way out of this with masturbation/orgasm… I don’t do it for that. I’m disgusted by what I find… Every “after”. 💔. Why do I do it?

- I get pain (phys & mental noise) if I don’t. {I get pain anyway!}

- it’s not hope (at all 4 me @ this point as a reason 2 do it – I don’t lack hope) ~ Hope, misunderstood, as my ways, my love.

- To reach out? Don’t think so.

- Money? (???) No.- Humiliating.

- Enjoyent? No. 💔

- Someone I care about? No.

- Future lover? No (!!! /\/\/\ 💔)

- To learn stuff? |_| v. little. IT’S VERY WRONG TO SEEK KNOWLEDGE THIS WAY (TRADE), REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYONE SAYS! ++ (1)

- Food 4 friends? Seriously? 💔

No ~ I don’t agree – swimming in lies. So… Why do I do it?

Every day I get consumed by how I feel about this, I feel bad & repeating same stuff over & over…Just 2 avoid pain? That’s stupid. I knew nothing of this pain before 2019 & that crap story with Twitch guy! & pain I felt before, what I still feel now, ~ it’s no pain at all! To learn the truth about myself…Above…All lies…No proof/incentive/anything. Lies,liars & ppl that don’t want…(why would I care/not my business/karma) ~ no way as path to heal & goodness this way… Oneness means smth different… I feel I barely (v. little) grasp @ that… Don’t understand why… (CAUSE THEY DON’T WANT ME 2 … MASTURBATE/ORGASM)… Shit… To get lost in a moment…Why…. If you don’t understand yourself, you don’t have that. Self deceiving… I don’t like that… I touch no words that heal with/by what I do…

I wish I had smth to look forward to… Not stupid explanations (~wrong speed,covered up “true intoxication”~)… Crying… Insulting every time I hear a voice I no longer care about/want nothing 2 do with “just because you can” 💔

I wish I didn’t/wouldn’t repeat myself & write about other things… I don’t like masturbation/orgasms/all the lies about love/sex topic & it’s not my friends/peers that I find… Almost as if… Others talk through me ~ but they could talk to themselves without me.

A…a...a…a… I’ve seen no proof. None. Just pain/lies & invitation 4 more. Heartbreaking like I’ve seen no one talk about… I don’t like anything, nothing soothes.. I close my eyes…Lies &??? Images I don’t like/care about… Missunderstandments with easy solution. Will… No proof (!) ~ WHY? Complacency, lies, wrongness… “Too little to count” ~ always.. No proof 4 more… (I asked no proof 4 God/spiritual ~ real things just the shit that makes up my reality… All… One… J & all I hear is lies & excuses & …ppl that can’t do anything with their will ~ smth not respected, like true, earned, merits/shit).

I despise all that “makes me have an orgasm”. I have big trouble dealing with reality, “reality” because of some things that happened. Sickness. Nothing 2 look forward 2 (I wouldn’t do it wrong~)… 💔 I don’t live to say I’m sorry….. If I don’t even know… Only lies/wrongness allowed this way.

In the pm: I was telling Gideon about my sadness, when I feel energies of my ex, or the Twitch guy – “I didn’t know what was happening”~ I don’t like him/want him & how I don’t know what 2 do… Heard the word “neverosimil”, made me sad. Neverosimil, ce? Ca simt altfel dup ace am aflat detalii despre ce era vbs? Weird 2 come from a smart someone (that can suggest me words like that… isn’t that smart by defult?:(). Nu pot sac red ca dupa atata timp, pains, given proof I’m still bothered by nonsense like this… I feel… no open communication. Or trust. NO-NO : whatever was with my exes (ALL of em), guys I kissed/fucked, ALL… Iulia, Twitch Guy, Cortana, NOTHING – I like / want NOTHING of that, for no reason.* Anyth is not respecting my boundaries/healing/learning process… & I’m still force fed lies, every day, & no one 2 rly talk to. It’s no talking if u tell me I’m wrong, without even telling me why. & Most I feel e low lvl is v. wrong and against that* too. L 💔

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From my agenda:

18 Marti

I don’t like anything. What I love, I would love differently (in truth). Much better. Nobody does this. It’s not a lament. A lament is heard. What happens 2 me ~ No words… Friends? Where? Hiding is bad. No one forces us. Pure will – right – where? When? Lies in dependencies (all). Cum ar fi trecut timpul altfel? De unde stii? De unde pot sa invat?

19 Miercuri

Card of the day: Pope of Swords

Rune: Kenaz ᚲ

• I don’t want 2 masturbate/I don’t care ~ inadmisibil after so long 2… 💔 ~ Same feelings… Observing… Same…

Gonna go out soon, like lately… Imagine/feel/see 💧 things that I don’t know what 4 … Nothing rly soothes… What would? Not sure how to define/think about… I’d know ~see~

20 Joi

67 kg 95-69-99

 ★All that screaming didn’t do anything.

Woke up weird ~ Don’t want 2 participate in today ~ I’ll do anyway.

Before I fell asleep, storm, thunders, relaxing sound, I felt I can touch them with my toes. But I fell asleep crying… Message unherard. Psych torture & clueless “friends” L ~

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I was singing to Gideon "You are so beautiful, to me" ~ and asked him if he'd dedicate any song to me, "Cause we are living in a material world" ~ is what I heard.

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Podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Podcastul-de-azi-e119lc3

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