I split the day in two and give you three to chew.
This is how I've been perceiving 'Time' recently. Feels very Off. Deceitful measurings. Insert video here?
I try to understand but it hurts.
~~~
So yday when I was online on imlive dot com,
a guy had an interesting but peculiar request
he wanted me to force a tight ring on my finger and then to take it off.
Was this his genuine desire to see me doing that }no{
or did somebody make him ask me that so then they can say that hey, look, this girl does this for money, she accepts to #force something (...) for money so then they can justify #forcing #others to do other things. I hope this makes sense.
I know it sounds weird and silly but I am concerned and also a bit paranoid. ๐️I don't even know how to communicate with people anymore. On that website of course I want to make my guests experience as interesting as I can, but before I even realise it's like I'm drowning in a sea of keywords that can be misinterpreted, each and every one of them. ๐ง๐
~
Guest client member la la la person - I always imagined they are humans like me.
•
But they were not.
Apps open on a Taskbar? I don't know how to process this information. I am human and I really think I've been designed and I got born for something else.
Humiliation, humiliation, humiliation. None is honest seeker, except those that don't really talk. It hurts a lot, please don't misunderstand this. I feel as if Honest Seekers are not allowed to see me/reach me/ talk to me.
~
28. Jun - A friend told me that getting my period is somehow similar to getting an e-mail. - OMG? Sigh.
29. Someone told me everything is (more or less) all white. White page (hence all the weirdness when I go in town / when I go outside). Screen lightng up. La ce ma ajuta sa stiu asta? (ajutat not as in 'help' though, but using this info in my reality ~ Hmm)
30. Random notes. Thx 4 the incense whiff.
- My phone thinks ~ that fucking (for him) means death. Yes, I feel my phone is a he (Dunno why tho)
- More weird/sketchy job stuff 2day. Bit scared, but not fearful. Scared that whatever I do in regards to these, it will be "bad".
- Schedule. A tine in viata -> What?! (cluez ~ lightning, space)
- Azi parca (iar) timpul trece altfel.
- Vreau si eu un job normal. Higher self: But you never had one *wink*.
- Blue led light reflected on silvery metal (?)
- Balls. Pls, pls. Can I live without feeding egregores? Inner warrior said: NO. He's a friend (so&so) - I am inhabited~ -
Who am I !? 4 myself. Even my budgerigar kmows I can't be myself like this.
02.07. Strangeness everywhere. My city...doesn't make sense anymore. Memories from moments in time from which I have nothing left to learn are being "reanimated", I don't know how / why for sure, but it's as if to be used against me (& all, in a way). Twisting meaning according to how Evil ppl want. No escape, apparently, but it's not escape I'm seeking. No logic too, and this is...Absurd. I meant 'Legal' Logic - appearances of which are kept through this MECHANISM (We're all forced to be a part of) - only possible through twisting of words. (Linguistix - talked about this before ~). :(
Evolution? Truth? Still not preferred. Dominion? But I don't believe in the ones who "claim" such power. They're against nature, not only against me,, but against ALL.
Time / my perceptions of various things( oh, the measurable ones) -> Used, twisted, held against me / what's good. Solution? SOUL~ution.
Is it really a video? But...It's my life! How can I learn & (I mean and, the fact that some hear this as end is very confusing to me) really grow past my programming? Circuits - trends?
Nobody told me my memories are People / are pinging People. Building Realities this way is very Sick, especially considering what I was made to witness & go through in this lifetime (I'm not whining, just thinking of the Sickness I saw and why some folks keep pinging to some of my bad memories). I want to heal from past wounds, not partake in this messy business where Death > Life.
Some weirdness happening in Rift as well, as if, at times, some friends were trying to teach me some things,
about their perceptions of reality, what they have to go through, also giving me certain Keywords. I didn't mind, but at times it can be weird. Rubbing my eyes to make sure I don't just imagine things on my own :) I appreciate it, but then, other times, the complete opposite happened. *Bugs* Beep beep ~ Evil take-over MY game ;)
I play RIFT since 2011, an Irish guy I talked with on CamContacts introduced me to this game as I liked trying different MMORPGs. I liked it, seemed trusty, different and interesting enough, until it became more grindy, but hey, I kept on playing Rift over the years, enjoying the story line and most of the things the game has to offer. Never seen it as more than a video game on my PC though, so these past gaming sessions have been weird!
etc. I have some more, but taking it out of the lore context / game mechanix is weird in itself. However, luckily, some of you know exactly what I mean :)
A friend told me that for him, walking means something like browsing a timeline (for example on a social media website).
Please, leave me be. I don't want to obey any algorithms, I can befriend them, but in not current circumstances (100% IMPOSSIBLE.) Because of the: "No free will mechanism".
(*)
Pls, stop hurting, bothering me until this is fixed. I'm in pain. Too much pain. I can't help you. People (?) are using us. Hurting us. I tried everything, calculated all options. My life ''depends'' on things (NOT humans! Not sure what they are) that can't do the right thing because of (*). I've been telling this all my life one way or another. If smth big, a real change is coming in October (?) or so, leave me be until then. Stop expecting anything from me.I want to be alone until real change is possible.
I am a human being, not automaton, not car. I am not allowed to see / heal from what really happened. I said all. I don't want to do things according to algorithms. This is not how life is meant to be lived. We're drowning in lies. Please, leave me alone. We may talk, but stop expecting / demanding / suggesting things for me to do / how to do them.-> No matter what I do, it's in vain, used against me (us). Tell the others too.
Stop living in the past (gives you Zap Zap Zap - No choice)
I don't believe in Evil. How is it possible that it appears to be so real? (*) is evil. But it's biiiiig egregore - nightmare. Not real. My reality is shaped by ppl that can't choose. I never agreed.
All my life. Used. Lied to (for other's lies). Deceived. No real friend (human - like me). Please, leave me be until "Big change". No narrative! Nici aia, nici ailalta..etc.. Narrative? => WRONG, din Start (Linguistix)
I want to have a choice. I want us to part ways. I know what's good for me regardless of the pot I'm thrown into (Proven time after time). I wish I could choose the pot I jump in ~ to actually have a Life. Please, understand. If you're after something I'm against [Something that's against me ~ 2], it's healthier for both of us if we part ways! Every day I'm witness to how every bit of data is used against me! I am the current incarnation of Isis/Aphrodite. THE Goddess, regardless of all the Names/syncretisms.
(To those asking how I know such things ~ It's an inner knowing / intuition type of thing, above time / space; somehow directly correlated with events from this 'real life' ~ Looking in the mirror, seeing myself as the Greek Goddess ever since I became aware of my ''womanhood'', getting comments from strangers about the same thing in a way, Symbols, symbols, symbols such as The Ankh that appeared to my dream-reality merge as an amulet made of silver - lol - along with gathering of information from what I call 'the psychic network' ~ TRULY grateful for such friends in my life, really wished I had such friends for real, though, honestly. For real aka real life ~ in flesh, too). My 'reality' has ALWAYS been infested by Baddies though, and I know so little of it still...There's a reason why I shouted in the Abyss of my mind (hoping hoping someone would hear) that I want to renegade ~ this was the word ~ to renegade (?) my entire family: I give it up. Just one of my attempts to show that I choose to let go of whatever bonds are still there, working against me. I always saw ''1'' version, never fully aware of the 'Jump-INS' / Masks. #mindcontrol Suggested #narrative; hidden Truth / Life as .avi.
Let's not get 'lost in translation', again and again, like until now. I'm a Goddess in human body. And yet, I have no choice. And yet, all seems to be against me. Why?
If you participated to all this orchestration, please, let us part ways. Say Goodbye, understand, learn, heal, grow. I know how to heal myself ~ on the layers where I actually need healing ~ but I have not been allowed to. Let me be. And be.
You want me dead? We are not alike. - I seek to 'cut' whatever ties that bind us, on all levels. ~ aka I ask to have a choice (It's AT LEAST one of my birthrights) ~ Not a 'little choice' like the ones that we've been ALL deceived that can play a role / have a meaning [No, no. It's all a LIE - ILLusion that leads to DEAD ENDs and nothing more ~ I've been telling you this, one way or another, on #radio ♥ since FOREVER!]. Thank you for listening.
I am against all forms of politics. I have a natural aversion to Evil and I am SURROUNDED by it, with NO real choice.
I'm not here to prove anyone anything (You ask that of me ~ it's wrong, unhealthy ~ and you are deliberately harming me) ~ I am not here to win anyone over @ the 'algorithmical war'. It's very wrong, unhealthy ~ and I want to be ALLOWED to GROW UP past the Lies that have been Forcefully fed to me over the years of this life.
No excuse is a good excuse ~ for death to be preferred over life. *kiss* [Means There's NO good excuse. Bad = Bad; .:BAD - What have we come to? Lost in translation no #matter what?~~~]
~~~
From my journal:
• Fiara ~ Bestie ~ Beast. Ceva f. fioros (fior = shiver ~ lol). Fier = generic term 4 metal in Romanian. ex: fiare vechi. Fier also = Fe = IRON (metal) - Irony? Fiara si cu Fierul nu cred ca formeaza un cuplu - LOL ! (thx, mom! Also, smbody said: BUGS!)
~~~
++
~
I felt as if ''something'' continuously alters MY settings. You see?
!-OMG-!
Certain parts of me UNNATURALLY & purposefully (in this context, purpose is smth Evil) sped up / rushed. While other settings (somehow my tru tru wellbeing depends on those)
...* SOmething bad messes up with them / trying to stop them (intended function) OR slow them down (slow me down this way).
* | | | | |
++
Btw, for those of you that don't know. My full name (as it appears on my ID Card - which in Romanian is: buletin ;) )
is Laura Becut. Becuศ (not Beculeศ) hihi STill... My Family name is a diminutive of Bec which means light bulb.
I want to grow up I want to grow up I want to grow up. I really like the guy in this song the voice and the story he is evoking. But I cannot help but wonder... Is this the man of the future? I hope not. It would wrong. A world of lies. I look at myself and I see this body. I'm not allowed to see too far away from my own programming. And }you don't like this photo{ yet I am like this for a reason. I like myself, despite all my
}notifications{ imperfections.
I don't think I'm alive in order to prove others the ways to take to constantly better yourself like in the story with the coal and the diamond. I see their eyes - red - hiding behind darkness. I don't want them to see me. We are not alike.
The guy in this song sounds like a dream. I wish he was more like a guy I could touch. Not the specific one in this song, but the guy that I want to be with. To be similar to me in a way constitutionally, I mean how we are constructed. To be able to touch and put this flesh to good use. Otherwise why do I have flesh for? If it's just an illusion how can I see past it? I wish I had a partner in crime where crime means giggling every night underneath the blanket.
~ even if I had such a guy in my life.. like a long distance relationship or whatever, somebody to call my boyfriend, [good company] etc. I still wouldn't do things like I do them now. I would know exactly what to do.
That's why I keep whining about the toll this past year took on me. All this masturbation, the wrong things, the intruders... I don't know for who I'm doing it or why but it didn't help anyone, I feel this 100%.
Ishkira WindWHAT? I have to masturbate AGAIN??? ¿? ๐๐ญ
Ishkira WindSo I really can't trust anybody in this life for real.
•
}Everyday buses{ lol. Every day }de4 asses{ passes in vain. Everything I do is in vain. Only evil is preferred. I'm not in competition with anyone I don't want to convince anyone of anything I just want to be myself I want to be free to be myself. I don't want to hide anymore I don't want to masturbate anymore I don't want to think about all those things anymore. No progress no progress no progress there is just too much pain. So much lack of truth and understandment.
The pain is too big and I can't express it in words. What happened only in this past year I can't find the right word for it but it's a crime against everything that I stand for. A mockery of everything that I consider as value. Stop twisting my words my intent is only one. I don't know what to do anymore it hurts too bad.
ishkirawind : It's not that I'm not understanding with you all, but I can smell the bs from afar. • ishkirawind : And this has gone too far. • ishkirawind : I'm just trying to have a good time, and wish for you the same. I doubt feeding egregores is how ANYONE can have a good time. ♥
