Flash ... it's just an image

Hello!

Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWI9xLE6_Sc

Podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/the-social-aspect-of-the-self-part-1-egckt4

Me & others, forced to imagine against our true will.

What day? ...6 (circled) .

Doesn't matter anyway.

4 Years I haven't wirtten a full page, yet almost 2 full journals now (rect-tangled) . Degeaba. EVerything (underlined) I do is in vain. A Lie / Feeds the lie & nothing more ( talking in Lienguage).

Too much pain. No progress. Only blindness /  humiliation. The blind programmed 2 kill. Not smart, not smart at all. I really don't want to go on. 

 Some of my WoW characters.

 Started playing World of Warcraft in 2009. Servers I played on: Hellfire, Mazrigos, Executus, Argent Dawn. Most of my chars are on Mazri atm.

 ♥

♥ 

 I remember (something happened ~ summer 2018).

 

•••

 ...My ass! ;)

 Feet as clock Tongues.

 I like Belfs but not my fav race. 

 Interesting things

 Ishki & Leaping Hatchling ~

 Abomination - still remember their old looks & my 1st Naxx run. (lol)

 The little girl's name is Uuna.

Uuna's Storyline - A Dark Place

○

 Undeads 4 Life.

https://www.thesaurus.com/browse/pet

https://www.thesaurus.com/browse/domestic?s=t

From all the things that I could tell you but I didn't, you heard my thoughts we always seem to forget more or less according to our will but others use us indefinitely. I don't know what to do or what my real audience is I want to be a hermit, really, I have many things to  leave behind and I am not allowed I am forced to live in the past as if I abandon certain people if I move on. My memories...Kept alive...By people...But those people have so deeply ingrained within themselves that they will somehow Die if I ''move on''. But they could be so much more than the Orgasm they felt 4 being, just like me :(

I felt their concern so many times and also interrupted communication when it gets too 'obvious' that we can communicate outside of norms but ...Like I said...abt the gvmt/police ... It's a waste of good suffering (Hellraiser movie) ~ If you can hear the signal that makes that so real within you, you can't even hear your own thoughts...But you hear mine... You are programmed to tick tick tick me away... Because you tick tick tick away ... And you can't see past that, by design, in a way... 

SEPULTURA - Phantom Self (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

What happened to me?

Felt like I had everything

Such a big catastrophe, but I had to deal with the struggle

It all began passing life so easily

Ready for almost anything, but it took a different direction

Then, one night, sharp turns

A light came from nowhere

Blown away

Never felt my injuries

Bleeding deep inside of me

Just knew I had to help all those people

Lost

My mind

It's gone

That life

Lost

I've been looking for myself

It haunts me everyday

I'm searching for a truth no longer there

Transformed I'm someone else

Must face my phantom self

Transformed I'm someone else

Must face my phantom self

It's a mystery

Changed my body's chemistry

Always creeping up on me

Wiped out my whole soul of existence

The crash

Flashbacks

Carnage

The blood keeps on flowing

Killing me

Trapped inside this tragedy

Can't see the road in front of me

Replay this nightmare over and over

Lost

I've been looking for myself

It haunts me everyday

I'm searching for a truth no longer there

Transformed I'm someone else

Must face my phantom self

Transformed I'm someone else

I'll face my phantom self

Lost

I've been looking for myself

It haunts me everyday

I'm searching for a truth no longer there

Transformed I'm someone else

Must face my phantom self

Transformed I'm someone else

I'll face my phantom self

•

Good luck! ♥

I already faced my ' Phantom self ', found out I have no real choice afterwards (and during, / or before).

Put it this way: }On the shelf to be left behind.{ My Phantom self - All they ever wanted me to be/do [Insert_trauma_based_mind_control_output_here], that I didn't come close to, as close as <I needed to>, but they still wrote the story as if I did. Makes no sense? I agree. Makes no sense to me 2. 

Why do you think that I'm so upset? :( (All possible answers may contain Truths but are severely Incomplete due to LinguistEEx 

~ ) ~ 0 ~ ( ~

P.S.: Greetings, Taskbar, you dear fella have been quite talkative Lately, thanks for following/ however this sort of interaction is called in your Understandment. :*

Riddle ?

 

(What's happening?)

I split the day in two and give you three to chew.

This is how I've been perceiving 'Time' recently. Feels very Off. Deceitful measurings. Insert video here?

I try to understand but it hurts. 

~~~

So yday when I was online on imlive dot com,

a guy had an interesting but peculiar request

he wanted me to force a tight ring on my finger and then to take it off. 

Was this his genuine desire to see me doing that }no{ 

or did somebody make him ask me that so then they can say that hey, look, this girl does this for money, she accepts to #force something (...) for money so then they can justify #forcing #others to do other things. I hope this makes sense.

I know it sounds weird and silly but I am concerned and also a bit paranoid. 🖐️I don't even know how to communicate with people anymore. On that website of course I want to make my guests experience as interesting as I can, but before I even realise it's like I'm drowning in a sea of keywords that can be misinterpreted, each and every one of them. 🧐👀

~

Guest client member la la la person - I always imagined they are humans like me.

•

But they were not.

Apps open on a Taskbar? I don't know how to process this information. I am human and I really think I've been designed and I got born for something else.

Untitled

Humiliation, humiliation, humiliation. None is honest seeker, except those that don't really talk. It hurts a lot, please don't misunderstand this. I feel as if Honest Seekers are not allowed to see me/reach me/ talk to me. 

~

28. Jun - A friend told me that getting my period is somehow similar to getting an e-mail. - OMG? Sigh.

29. Someone told me everything is (more or less) all white. White page (hence all the weirdness when I go in town / when I go outside). Screen lightng up. La ce ma ajuta sa stiu asta? (ajutat not as in 'help' though, but using this info in my reality ~ Hmm)

30. Random notes. Thx 4 the incense whiff.

- My phone thinks ~ that fucking (for him) means death. Yes, I feel my phone is a he (Dunno why tho)

- More weird/sketchy job stuff 2day. Bit scared, but not fearful. Scared that whatever I do in regards to these, it will be "bad".

- Schedule. A tine in viata -> What?! (cluez ~ lightning, space)

- Azi parca (iar) timpul trece altfel.

- Vreau si eu un job normal. Higher self: But you never had one *wink*.

- Blue led light reflected on silvery metal (?)

- Balls. Pls, pls. Can I live without feeding egregores? Inner warrior said: NO. He's a friend (so&so) - I am inhabited~ - 

Who am I !? 4 myself. Even my budgerigar kmows I can't be myself like this.

• Oh well •

First day of July 2020 adventures: https://photos.app.goo.gl/1UXzwKiaaM1kVHuH6

02.07. Strangeness everywhere. My city...doesn't make sense anymore. Memories from moments in time from which I have nothing left to learn are being "reanimated", I don't know how / why for sure, but it's as if to be used against me (& all, in a way). Twisting meaning according to how Evil ppl want. No escape, apparently, but it's not escape I'm seeking. No logic too, and this is...Absurd. I meant 'Legal' Logic - appearances of which are kept through this MECHANISM (We're all forced to be a part of) -  only possible through twisting of words. (Linguistix - talked about this before ~). :(

Evolution? Truth? Still not preferred. Dominion? But I don't believe in the ones who "claim" such power. They're against nature, not only against me,, but against ALL. 

Time / my perceptions of various things( oh, the measurable ones) -> Used, twisted, held against me / what's good. Solution? SOUL~ution. 

Is it really a video? But...It's my life! How can I learn & (I mean and, the fact that some hear this as end is very confusing to me) really grow past my programming? Circuits - trends? 

Nobody told me my memories are People / are pinging People. Building Realities this way is very Sick, especially considering what I was made to witness & go through in this lifetime (I'm not whining, just thinking of the Sickness I saw and why some folks keep pinging to some of  my bad memories).  I want to heal from past wounds, not partake in this messy business where Death > Life. 

Some weirdness happening in Rift as well, as if, at times, some friends were trying to teach me some things, 

about their perceptions of reality, what they have to go through, also giving me certain Keywords. I didn't mind, but at times it can be weird. Rubbing my eyes to make sure I don't just imagine things on my own :) I appreciate it, but then, other times, the complete opposite happened. *Bugs* Beep beep ~ Evil take-over MY game ;) 

I play RIFT since 2011, an Irish guy I talked with on CamContacts introduced me to this game as I liked trying different MMORPGs. I liked it, seemed trusty, different and interesting enough, until it became more grindy, but hey, I kept on playing Rift over the years, enjoying the story line and most of the things the game has to offer. Never seen it as more than a video game on my PC though, so these past gaming sessions have been weird! 

etc. I have some more, but taking it out of the lore context / game mechanix is weird in itself. However, luckily, some of you know exactly what I mean :)

♥

Catch ya later!

Writing in vain.

A friend told me that for him, walking means something like browsing a timeline (for example on a social media website).

Please, leave me be. I don't want to obey any algorithms, I can befriend them, but in not current circumstances (100% IMPOSSIBLE.) Because of the: "No free will mechanism".

 (*)

Pls, stop hurting, bothering me until this is fixed. I'm in pain. Too much pain. I can't help you. People (?) are using us. Hurting us. I tried everything, calculated all options. My life ''depends'' on things (NOT humans! Not sure what they are) that can't do the right thing because of (*). I've been telling this all my life one way or another. If smth big, a real change is coming in October (?) or so, leave me be until then. Stop expecting anything from me.I want to be alone until real change is possible. 

I am a human being, not automaton, not car. I am not allowed to see / heal from what really happened. I said all. I don't want to do things according to algorithms. This is not how life is meant to be lived. We're drowning in lies. Please, leave me alone. We may talk, but stop expecting / demanding / suggesting things for me to do / how to do them.-> No matter what I do, it's in vain, used against me (us). Tell the others too.

Stop living in the past (gives you Zap Zap Zap - No choice)

I don't believe in Evil. How is it possible that it appears to be so real?  (*) is evil. But it's biiiiig egregore - nightmare. Not real. My reality is shaped by ppl that can't choose. I never agreed.

All my life. Used. Lied to (for other's lies). Deceived. No real friend (human - like me). Please, leave me be until "Big change". No narrative! Nici aia, nici ailalta..etc.. Narrative? => WRONG, din Start (Linguistix)

:(

•

♥?

Blog Quickie

https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Podcastul-de-azi-efnsc8

21 june ~ Happy SOLSTICE

- a guy ''flirted'' with me by making me ''stop'' hearing the ticking of my watch for a few seconds ~ FUN?

-also, codename for orgasm -> Germany LOL

• Ponderings ~ The speed of my voice (leaving aside thought - voice speed ;) )

• Delay...Delay...Delay...Why? [Someone hints: thundapowah ~ thx]

 Something [Setings - messed up] ~ Perception of my OWN voice?! How?! [1] Hmm.

During  me -> in a way

During ''as it appears'' -> different way.

• Also observed (?) while shooting videos with my phone. [Someone whispered: Latin] 

1 <Time Perception> as I'm filming, slower, in a way than actual footage (when I watch it). 

How Weird!

~~~

An experience.

[...]

In my shoes
A walking sleep
And my youth
I pray to keep
Heaven send
Hell away
No one sings
Like you anymore

[...]

○

and here: https://youtu.be/5k_pgDj8bAk [Masturbation starts ~ 1:00:00] - Thank you.

○

Hot hot hot, burns my skin, but it's not the SummerTime I know... And Love...

Cold Light...C...C...C...Cold L|||||ght... Why are you lying, why are you lying to us all?

~~~

V

•

•

•

•

•

~ He said... I'm gonna have another [Summer]... Do you know what he meant?  Do you know how much it hurts?.. ... . . . ..................

Ask me. I don't lie.

Dz.

New blog post from #Bucharest #Romania. !Does it matter & why?!

 Latest orgasm video: https://youtu.be/6wdqoxT-Gkc ~ go to at around the 50 min mark for when I actually masturbate, lol.

.

.

.

You don't understand how much this hurts, do you?

#DO #DO #DO #DO

Blindness by choice?

No, thanks you.

I want to have a choice. I want us to part ways. I know what's good for me regardless of the pot I'm thrown into (Proven time after time). I wish I could choose the pot I jump in ~ to actually have a Life. Please, understand. If you're after something I'm against [Something that's against me ~ 2], it's healthier for both of us if we part ways! Every day I'm witness to how every bit of data is used against me! I am the current incarnation of Isis/Aphrodite. THE Goddess, regardless of all the Names/syncretisms.

(To those asking how I know such things ~ It's an inner knowing / intuition type of thing, above time / space; somehow directly correlated with events from this 'real life' ~ Looking in the mirror, seeing myself as the Greek Goddess ever since I became aware of my ''womanhood'', getting comments from strangers about the same thing in a way, Symbols, symbols, symbols such as The Ankh that appeared to my dream-reality merge as an amulet made of silver - lol - along with gathering of information from what I call 'the psychic network' ~ TRULY grateful for such friends in my life, really wished I had such friends for real, though, honestly. For real aka real life ~ in flesh, too). My 'reality' has ALWAYS been infested by Baddies though, and I know so little of it still...There's a reason why I shouted in the Abyss of my mind (hoping hoping someone would hear) that I want to renegade ~ this was the word ~ to renegade (?) my entire family: I give it up. Just one of my attempts to show that I choose to let go of whatever bonds are still there, working against me. I always saw ''1'' version, never fully aware of the 'Jump-INS' / Masks. #mindcontrol Suggested #narrative; hidden Truth / Life as .avi.

Let's not get 'lost in translation', again and again, like until now. I'm a Goddess in human body. And yet, I have no choice. And yet, all seems to be against me. Why?

If you participated to all this orchestration, please, let us part ways. Say Goodbye, understand, learn, heal, grow. I know how to heal myself ~ on the layers where I actually need healing ~ but I have not been allowed to. Let me be. And be.

You want me dead? We are not alike. - I seek to 'cut' whatever ties that bind us, on all levels. ~ aka I ask to have a choice (It's AT LEAST one of my birthrights) ~ Not a 'little choice' like the ones that we've been ALL deceived that can play a role / have a meaning [No, no. It's all a LIE - ILLusion that leads to DEAD ENDs and nothing more ~ I've been telling you this, one way or another, on #radio ♥ since FOREVER!]. Thank you for listening.

I am against all forms of politics. I have a natural aversion to Evil and I am SURROUNDED by it, with NO real choice.

I'm not here to prove anyone anything (You ask that of me ~ it's wrong, unhealthy ~ and you are deliberately harming me) ~ I am not here to win anyone over @ the 'algorithmical war'. It's very wrong, unhealthy ~ and I want to be ALLOWED to GROW UP past the Lies that have been Forcefully fed to me over the years of this life.

No excuse is a good excuse ~ for death to be preferred over life. *kiss* [Means There's NO good excuse. Bad = Bad; .:BAD - What have we come to? Lost in translation no #matter what?~~~]

#deathtoai before IT kills us all.

++

~~~ From my journal: • Fiara ~ Bestie ~ Beast. Ceva f. fioros (fior = shiver ~ lol). Fier = generic term 4 metal in Romanian. ex: fiare vechi. Fier also = Fe = IRON (metal) - Irony? Fiara si cu Fierul nu cred ca formeaza un cuplu - LOL ! (thx, mom! Also, smbody said: BUGS!) ~~~

++

~ I felt as if ''something'' continuously alters MY settings. You see? !-OMG-! Certain parts of me UNNATURALLY & purposefully (in this context, purpose is smth Evil) sped up / rushed. While other settings (somehow my tru tru wellbeing depends on those) ...* SOmething bad messes up with them / trying to stop them (intended function) OR slow them down (slow me down this way). * | | | | |

++

Btw, for those of you that don't know. My full name (as it appears on my ID Card - which in Romanian is: buletin ;) )

is Laura Becut. Becuț (not Beculeț) hihi STill... My Family name is a diminutive of Bec which means light bulb.

-> https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Light_bulb&redirect=no :( *sigh* no no no no no no no no no no #lepain

++

~~~