15.09. Dream fragments.
I dreamt I was with a guy (accompanying, not "relationship"). He was not my ex but felt ??? (vibes?) from many guys I knew. I didn't want to be with him; told him it's boring.
School/highschool.. Exam day; I felt I didn't learn anything; I don't remember anyth like giving the exam though. Sciti? Opened books (one had a biblical image with a woman & 3 men ??? - not chariot, dunno why I thought of that).
Met an old colleague, Aneta, but her name was not Arvinte (name of primary school music teacher).
Someone passed a joint. I took it in front of the teacher; gave it to the guy.
Deserted place(s). Room(s) - from a home, but didn't feel like that.
Guy showed me smth in a big album. Smth beautiful. A structure? art... Thought it's not worth it to be in a relationship for that. (???)
He had weird signs/marks on his body, not rly tattoos. I liked touching him but nothing more.
I suggested I rly don't know how a dick looks like (not penis/anatomical, I meant something else) & I want to know / not pressuring him to show me - but I felt he knew :(
At some point I (wanted to?) started running... Sprinting... & then I woke up.
I liked parts of that dream, felt so strange to wake up like that. That day, I was sad. Same reasons...
Found this in FB memories, still feel like this..
Posted on Facebook, 15 September 2020
I'm in pain. I despise masturbating (watching Porn in my own head ~ as if I deliberately choose to hurt myself). They keep asking me to do it again and again ~ after more than 1 year, (!!!!!!!) I still don't know why. I think this is a v big problem. I got many hints but after finding out about < The no free will mechanism > NOTHING else makes more sense, cause we're on a BAD path. I don't know what all those things really mean, but I am in pain when I 'waste' time yet all I do is a WASTE of time, resources and EVERYTHING!. My calculations are better. Always. Despite all shit i've been subjected to. I am uncrackable, for good reasons, that I can't learn about because of 'debris' (fools) still in existance {I dont know what this truly means or how to contribute to stop it ~ I truly feel that me showing you how I achieve orgasm is NOT beneficial to ANYONE!} ~ My reality is a NIGHTMARE ~ There is NO 'normal' here, we 're ALL being used.
I suffer because it's convenient for somebody else. Apparently. I can't go to bed with this idea.
Pics:
Thx 💋
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