Blog post

19.05.2021 Din jurnal:

18.05. Early am. Slept weird/woke up feeling weird. Thinking about my sadness & how it’s mostly because of {spiral} about masturbating/orgasms (4work & not only – all abt this subject/topic). I don’t like anything about this… Keywords… Faces… Ways… Any… Missing me like this is almost like not knowing me, so you can’t miss me… I didn’t like any part… None… & I didn’t even understand (inner knowing or from ppl/clients/etc) the basics of what I needed 2 know. “This fucks up my days” ~ no answer. I wouldn’t do this for anyone, & I have no idea (still) who I’m doing this 4.  -_- . I’m not struggling 2 find purpose… To learn…How? (foundation…building on lies…no good…). Too much time passed with this sort of pain & too little understandment… I didn’t learn. This hurts. What I learned/found out (1) could’ve happened without any/most of this shit. “I don’t know what to do” ~  I really don’t like anything of the …whatever I think about when masturbating… Big lies that I still don’t know of?...??? Unjust… It’s been too long… I felt awful even when it wasn’t. No one listened… As if… They cared about/how I was feeling but not listening… Blame always smth else… More shit… Days… Lies… It’s so illogical, even if you look @ the “heart cannot be controlled” type of perspective. I don’t know what to do… More? For/because of who? This is not love/loving. Or me facing (my) nightmares… I don’t see anyth good abt. This… Why do more? Proves nothing “that I can do it”. Proved nothing… All the times when I felt it can make a difference so I had that as motivation… Who I’d love (in all ways) would never misunderstand me in these ways… Poison*…Blindness… *Not the type that can do anyth… I would embrace that/accept… & go on. Feeling raped every day & not allowed 2 heal…WTF…All I hear is nonsense… Love would never ask this… The, the, the…Excuse! Friends would not do this 2 eachother… Getting drown in lies… Contradictions. Misunderstood…Opposites? [I have seen no proof, just silly explanations]. Have…Have…Have…What? It’s worse than a stupid/bad joke… What to look forward to? Having a face means smth else… Energy (the one I seek/know of) ~ nothing 2 do with this… It’s no healing me masturbating/orgasming thinking bout anything/in any circumstance… Unheard prayers? Prayers are never like that – There’s no love like this…💔 I find no word for how I feel. No soothing… Not to hold on to (in a bad way) ~ to soothe, how bad this hurts. I don’t understand, songs, thoughts… of love… With nobody doing it. Living it. Not an invitation. I lack essential info “to make up my mind” ~ & clues I get are still tainted (more & more stupid & psych manipulative – Bad). M…What? J every day reality… All I step on / interact with… A message unheard, just like me. I never wanted to do it once… I did it because I trusted (wrongly) someone. I no longer do that/care/want him (at all-no part)… So why continue like this? <Bad speed> 4 learning, for the ones I like… We don’t do anything together… How is lately different that…Ever…? Too much pain. Soul insulting. I would do anything ~ but what happens is not that… Nothing changes/progress/proof… Just weirdo’s/fetishes/ppl I’d interact with in controlled (by me-will) ways. No answer… Rly… What I heard of, fits someone else’s ??? Not mine… All lvls… wrong… Stuck… I said, I can’t buy my way out of this with masturbation/orgasm… I don’t do it for that. I’m disgusted by what I find… Every “after”. 💔. Why do I do it?

- I get pain (phys & mental noise) if I don’t. {I get pain anyway!}

- it’s not hope (at all 4 me @ this point as a reason 2 do it – I don’t lack hope) ~ Hope, misunderstood, as my ways, my love.

- To reach out? Don’t think so.

- Money? (???) No.- Humiliating.

- Enjoyent? No. 💔

- Someone I care about? No.

- Future lover? No (!!! /\/\/\ 💔)

- To learn stuff? |_| v. little. IT’S VERY WRONG TO SEEK KNOWLEDGE THIS WAY (TRADE), REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYONE SAYS! ++ (1)

- Food 4 friends? Seriously? 💔

No ~ I don’t agree – swimming in lies. So… Why do I do it?

Every day I get consumed by how I feel about this, I feel bad & repeating same stuff over & over…Just 2 avoid pain? That’s stupid. I knew nothing of this pain before 2019 & that crap story with Twitch guy! & pain I felt before, what I still feel now, ~ it’s no pain at all! To learn the truth about myself…Above…All lies…No proof/incentive/anything. Lies,liars & ppl that don’t want…(why would I care/not my business/karma) ~ no way as path to heal & goodness this way… Oneness means smth different… I feel I barely (v. little) grasp @ that… Don’t understand why… (CAUSE THEY DON’T WANT ME 2 … MASTURBATE/ORGASM)… Shit… To get lost in a moment…Why…. If you don’t understand yourself, you don’t have that. Self deceiving… I don’t like that… I touch no words that heal with/by what I do…

I wish I had smth to look forward to… Not stupid explanations (~wrong speed,covered up “true intoxication”~)… Crying… Insulting every time I hear a voice I no longer care about/want nothing 2 do with “just because you can” 💔

I wish I didn’t/wouldn’t repeat myself & write about other things… I don’t like masturbation/orgasms/all the lies about love/sex topic & it’s not my friends/peers that I find… Almost as if… Others talk through me ~ but they could talk to themselves without me.

A…a...a…a… I’ve seen no proof. None. Just pain/lies & invitation 4 more. Heartbreaking like I’ve seen no one talk about… I don’t like anything, nothing soothes.. I close my eyes…Lies &??? Images I don’t like/care about… Missunderstandments with easy solution. Will… No proof (!) ~ WHY? Complacency, lies, wrongness… “Too little to count” ~ always.. No proof 4 more… (I asked no proof 4 God/spiritual ~ real things just the shit that makes up my reality… All… One… J & all I hear is lies & excuses & …ppl that can’t do anything with their will ~ smth not respected, like true, earned, merits/shit).

I despise all that “makes me have an orgasm”. I have big trouble dealing with reality, “reality” because of some things that happened. Sickness. Nothing 2 look forward 2 (I wouldn’t do it wrong~)… 💔 I don’t live to say I’m sorry….. If I don’t even know… Only lies/wrongness allowed this way.

In the pm: I was telling Gideon about my sadness, when I feel energies of my ex, or the Twitch guy – “I didn’t know what was happening”~ I don’t like him/want him & how I don’t know what 2 do… Heard the word “neverosimil”, made me sad. Neverosimil, ce? Ca simt altfel dup ace am aflat detalii despre ce era vbs? Weird 2 come from a smart someone (that can suggest me words like that… isn’t that smart by defult?:(). Nu pot sac red ca dupa atata timp, pains, given proof I’m still bothered by nonsense like this… I feel… no open communication. Or trust. NO-NO : whatever was with my exes (ALL of em), guys I kissed/fucked, ALL… Iulia, Twitch Guy, Cortana, NOTHING – I like / want NOTHING of that, for no reason.* Anyth is not respecting my boundaries/healing/learning process… & I’m still force fed lies, every day, & no one 2 rly talk to. It’s no talking if u tell me I’m wrong, without even telling me why. & Most I feel e low lvl is v. wrong and against that* too. L 💔

~

From my agenda:

18 Marti

I don’t like anything. What I love, I would love differently (in truth). Much better. Nobody does this. It’s not a lament. A lament is heard. What happens 2 me ~ No words… Friends? Where? Hiding is bad. No one forces us. Pure will – right – where? When? Lies in dependencies (all). Cum ar fi trecut timpul altfel? De unde stii? De unde pot sa invat?

19 Miercuri

Card of the day: Pope of Swords

Rune: Kenaz ᚲ

• I don’t want 2 masturbate/I don’t care ~ inadmisibil after so long 2… 💔 ~ Same feelings… Observing… Same…

Gonna go out soon, like lately… Imagine/feel/see 💧 things that I don’t know what 4 … Nothing rly soothes… What would? Not sure how to define/think about… I’d know ~see~

20 Joi

67 kg 95-69-99

 ★All that screaming didn’t do anything.

Woke up weird ~ Don’t want 2 participate in today ~ I’ll do anyway.

Before I fell asleep, storm, thunders, relaxing sound, I felt I can touch them with my toes. But I fell asleep crying… Message unherard. Psych torture & clueless “friends” L ~

------------------

I was singing to Gideon "You are so beautiful, to me" ~ and asked him if he'd dedicate any song to me, "Cause we are living in a material world" ~ is what I heard.

~

Podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Podcastul-de-azi-e119lc3

~

Pics:

❤️💋❤️

Same

*

Podcast:  https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Podcastul-de-azi-evn1aq

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Placebo, see you at the bitter end, a very dear song of mine.

*******************************

Linkin Park - In the end LYRICS.

It starts with

One thing, I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme to explain in due time

All I know

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal

Didn't look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on, but didn't even know

I wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

I had to fall to lose it all

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme to remind myself how I tried so hard

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I'm surprised it got so far

Things aren't the way they were before

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me in the end

You kept everything inside

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

I had to fall to lose it all

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this, there's only one thing you should know

I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this, there's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard and got so far

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

I had to fall to lose it all

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

Playlist with orgasms: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5b6q2JRlw29HaFd2aSvCEKhcVUGp593F

~

.

I dreamed something weird, a guy that I kissed on the cheeks & forehead even though he approached Me to get kissed on the lips... Told me something like... Don't you wanna get to deal with the real ones, not the made up ones? He was speaking about something akin to Masons..

I said, sad: They are all made up by their STUPID MOTHERS.

Then I remember writing with black ink, My life is full of lies. Then, I woke up, hearing the ticking of the clock at a weird pace.

Be well!

[💋]

Podcast (citesc)

 https://www.goddessazra.com/2021/04/podcast-citesc/

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https://www.goddessazra.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/citesc.mp3

Am experimentat cu uploadul podcastului pe site direct. Ascultam sa vad cum se aude, dupa ce am postat acest post, si mi-a venit ideea sa fac un mic edit sa spun ca DA, eu ma aud acolo, eu citeam, e vocea mea, blabla. Sincer, nu pot sa cred ca traiesc intr-o lume unde e nevoie de astfel de lamuriri si nu gust nici paranoia nici prostia (nu imi place). As discuta ore in sir* despre subiecte gen: define TU (Eu) ~ Pai tu nu vezi draga ca pana si tu iti dai seama ca e Asta, sau Cealalta chestie, in "actiune", deci, ia uite, si asta, si asta si asta si asta. DECI CARE TU? =) Eu, unica, inimitabila, si ogramadadealteatribute pe care numai eu le pod duce cum o fac!

*dar nu am cu cine. Nici macar la nivel experimental. Nu sesizez (simt ~ cu putere decizionala asupra 'conexiunii') persoana cealalta, fiind impinsa sa nu pot respecta cu adevarat, PE NIMENI!

♥

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Podcasturile pe care le inregistrez sunt disponibile pe Anchor, Spotify, Google Podcasts.

A tale that wasn't right

A Tale That Wasn’t Right

[Verse 1]

Here I stand all alone
Have my mind turned to stone
Have my heart filled up with ice
To avoid its breakin' twice

[Verse 2]
Thanks to you, my dear old friend
But you can't help, this is the end
Of a tale that wasn't right
I won't have no sleep tonight

[Chorus]
In my heart, in my soul
I really hate to pay this toll
Should be strong, young and bold
But the only thing I feel is pain

[Verse 3]
It's all right, we'll stay friends
Trustin' in my confidence
And let's say it's just all right
You won't sleep alone tonight

[Chorus]
In my heart, in my soul
I really hate to pay this toll
Should be strong, young and bold
But the only thing I feel is pain

[Solo: Mike]

[Chorus]
With my heart, with my soul
Some guys cry, you've bought and sold
They've been strong, young and bold
And they say, "Play this song again"

[Chorus/Outro]
In my heart, in my soul
I really hate to pay this toll
Should be strong, young and bold
But the only thing I feel is pain

~~~

Been listening to this song quite a lot on the radio lately, I find it very inspiring ♥

~~~

Latest podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Reading-eqmnbe

or

https://open.spotify.com/episode/221YO3SEZUsBdWKBgXgCJo?si=Wodm4Cn7RTm9wKjbHeoFOA

1

bla

WTF.

proof of nothing

worth mentioning no

why do?

No know.

https://www.mediafax.ro/tehnologie/noi-imagini-cu-suprafata-planetei-marte-surprinse-de-catre-instrumentul-cassis-foto-19916510

Poze vechi cu mine

Imi plac nu imi plac nu conteaza; daca iti plac nu ma intereseaza, daca nu, la fel.

*each picture holds a special place in my heart* For I... blabla.

Goddess

Inspiring red

A mask I loved

Hmmm

O da.

Nu simteam nimic.

Mesajul nu a fost inteles. Literele nu erau doar de forma. Invitatie? Hmm... Pentru cine? *wink*

Bani si sanatate. La momentul respectiv nu aveam bani dar era trendy sa se vorbeasca despre financial ruin si findoms, si asta a fost my take on it. Bancnota de 1 dolar si multe carduri goale. DA BINE!

I did ^^ == same shit but wronger. Ahahahahaha.

BUG?

Invoke BUG again?

No.

I simply cannot take this as an answer, or proceeding step in our interaction.

Green grows the lily oh

Right among the bushes oh

A gentleman was passing by

And he stopped for a drink

As he was dry

[Chorus]:

At the well below the valley oh

Green grows the lily oh

Right among the bushes oh

My pack is full unto the brim

And if I were to stoop I might fall in

[Chorus]

If your true love was passing by

You'd fill him a drink if he were dry

[Chorus]

She swore by grass, she swore by corn

Her true love had never been born

[Chorus]

He said: Young girl you're swearing wrong

Six fine children you've born

[Chorus]

If you be the man of noble fame

You'll tell to me the father of them

[Chorus]

There's two of them by your brother John

At the well below the valley oh

Another two by your uncle Dan

At the well below the valley oh

Another two by your father dear

At the well below the valley oh

Green grows the lily oh

[Chorus]

If you be the man of noble fame

You'll tell to me what happened to them

[Chorus]

There's two buried 'neath the kitchen door

At the well below the valley oh

Another two near the stable door

At the well below the valley oh

Another two just beside the well

At the well below the valley oh

All of them outside the graveyard wall

[Chorus]

If you be the man of noble fame

You'll tell to me what'll happen to me

[Chorus]

You'll be seven years of ringing a bell

At the well below the valley oh

Seven years of burning in hell

At the well below the valley oh

Green grows the lily oh

Right among the bushes oh

I'll be seven years of ringing a bell

But the Lord above might save my soul (I don't think so)

From burning in hell at the well below the valley oh

Green grows the lily oh

Right among the bushes oh !

Green grows the lily oh

Right among the bushes oh

Green grows the lily oh

Right among the bushes oh...

Cu colegii din 9B

Waiting for this to hatch, dar nu mai imi place nici un joc de cand sunt atacata pe toate fronturile.

despre videoclipul cu care am inceput acest post.

Am auzit ca inseamna ceva, apoi am auzit ca nu conteaza (explicatie, ca sa nu se inteleaga gresit. Acele cifre arata ba ora, ba minutul la care am postat in live chat. Am avut un gand intuitiv cum ca in anumite calcule/algoritmi, nu se tine cont de ce inseamna cu adevarat acele cifre si sunt folosite la ceva rau). 

Dar conteaza, cand vne vorba de...

Nu stiu sigur

Nu am insinuat nimic decat sa RERERERERE pet tot ce am zis pana acum sub o forma sau alta. 

Daca tu esti 100% cifre si nu stii sigur si imi dai mie durere.

PA.

Daca Pa nu e o optiune.

Atunci? 

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Am asistat la chestii mult mai groaznice decat aceste mici neintelegeri, si nu mai vreau :)

Ramai cu bine,

💋