7 Jun 2020
I don't want to charge you with my #trauma. Also, I am not bi-Polar. Bear hugs!
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5 Jun 2020
Again?
So, I had an episode of SLEEP PARALYSIS again last night, few details I remember:
- Right before I entered the "bad state" an entity disguised as my ex MIL was pestering me with annoying nonsense ~ I told IT ~ 'No offense, but... I HOPE YOU BREAK YOUR CHIN!' Then gone I was...Into the sleep paralysis feelin'.
- Lasted longer this time, I think.
- I felt as if I was floating in blackness and struggled to "Get back into my body" type of sensation
- Floating to the ceiling, all Black, dense, painful. I felt I was struggling to move, to 'swim' through this all, but I was just drifting away.
- Couldn't breathe, felt my Body was struggling to breathe as well.
- This time, The Classic "Leave me alone, you have no power over me" willed as I was in the bad state did the trick and I was able to wake up.
Pic taken upon waking up:
~With my head on my pillow.~
Oh, I really don't like such experiences and cannot help but wonder about their True purpose, if we can even call it a purpose... What is the science behind this (?) and what about the demonic details? Of course 'it's not just me, mom!'.
Bye for now...
:*
PS: Last time when I had sleep paralysis, few days ago, don't remember many details but Upon getting close to the Wake Up part, I saw my body as a mummified corpse ~ This made me conclude that sleep paralysis is an important "Tool" of Death Cultists (Hope you know what I mean ~ general term here) used to Brainwash their victims about Death & co. The mass hypnosis bad spell thing. To make it ''all'' real. The nothing, really (Death of all life). Pfftt.
2 Jun 2020
This is not how you make a girl meet her doom.
You're only showing me facets of broken dreams... There's no truth in this, there's no truth in this, there is no love to be Found here: https://youtu.be/M1ecAXlj5qw Like this. Do you understand? I take it in my ass for you. Why? When did you stop caring? Did you ever...Ever?
When I was with my EX, when i was on my period, I rarely ever wanted to engage in sexual things. And yet again, I had no idea what's really happening! Of all the mischievousness, THEIR plans and what THEY were doing to me... I don't want to give in. Didn't back then either. I am ashamed of how little I know, about my own past, about my own body.
And I still have to have orgasms every day thinking of certain porn things because that's how you programmed me to... WHY? You never answered. Never answered for real. Useless to say I feel used. Every ugly thing I hear inside my own head that I KNOW doesn't come from ME is RAPE. Call it psychic rape/whatever, words don't matter, do they now?
30 May 2020
27 May 2020
Why?
Why do You keep asking me to Come like this?
To masturbate & cum - Only achievable if I think about a certain something that I DID NOT / WOULD NOT enjoy doing with a Partner, just because "My brain is wired" that way based on some Porn~y scenes I've seen on a screen when I was little. !MAKES NO SENSE!
WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME EVERY DAY LIKE THIS IT HURTS TOO MUCH I FEEL I ABUSE MY MIND WHEN I DO IT I CAN'T...
I can't even have a real friend
A real partner
Or truly trust anybody
Yet I still have to PROVE WH0(ZzzZzzeRRRRRRO!) that I can FOCUS on IMAGINING PORN SCENES In MY OWN head without wanting to ever have to do anything like that with my body FOR REAL? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
If this would be the only pain in my life, it would be big ENOUGH. But it's just a sprinkle in the shit you serve me on a daily basis. A WASTE OF... EVERYTHING.
It hurts me so bad
I could sit on my ass all day writing about this conspiracy or the other, but there are already plenty of people in many corners of the internet already doing that, no?
I can tell you now what I understood - as a total noob - about concepts such as -eugenics- connected to how they stole Everything from me & keep torturing me. Keep in mind what I told you in other articles like this one: https://mmmylittlecorner.blogspot.com/2020/05/if-its-trade-its-not-love.html
All my best assets... I don't know/(I don't even know if I care at this point) how they've been able to read me like that ~ clearly a faulty system, hence, I'm still here, ''thriving''. Stolen assets & multitudiniplied for various Trades. All my worst possibilities, amplified & continuously ''fed'' to me to Engineer Their Wanted Future. A failed me, a failing me, a decaying me. Just one more another excuse for History. I did not agree to any of this. Also, nobody asked me, to begin with!
:(
•••
Newest video: https://youtu.be/zAs9CWFpVrs ~ The fact that I still have to do things like this HURTS SO BAD. The fact that I have to CONFORM every day to Antennas that Keep Up A LIE, THE lie, and nothing more, HURTS SO BAD. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
All mischievous & deceitful.
I didn't need / want / choose any of this.
They think they can MAP anything ( last E-boy & E-girl stories in my life ~ man, so much pain, so intrusive, so reckless, they did this to me and thought hey, it's an OK thing to do. ~ What?!) If I am this worthless to you, why did you take everything from me like that? Torturing me more and more, because I don't want to SWALLOW BULLSHIT regardless of how far you go with it. Perhaps one day I'll write more about those stories, But it's a delicate topic for me & I'm in very much PAIN these days - head, back of the neck, everywhere, really. I can't breathe properly through my nose FOR MONTHS! And I am NOT sick, it's just their sick experiments/whatever they are. (Failed maths!) I don't know why for sure, code-names and keywords are not enough anymore ~ . Hearing 'her' voice from the other room, every day remembering in a matter of seconds, the lie of it all... The implications... I don't know how to describe this pain properly, It feels like: Something against ALL , against MY ALL, against ME. I learned about this & I could easily 'move on' from the pain of all the lies... I want to evolve but I'm still Trapped here. WHY?
I have no idea who/what I am for real, nor do I trust anyone at the moment, and this hurts A LOT. I GENUINELY WANT TO LEARN THE REAL γνῶθι σεαυτόν ~ That can't be denied from me!!! Not about this or that story, but about myself. And how can I truly be myself. However, no one is willing to help me with this for real. Why? It can't be just about the... Money.
All the steps I took on this path, uncovering lies, attempting deprogramming, healing from that....I've only been Dazed with more ILLusion, taken advantage of, stolen from, kept in physical pain - unjustified ~ Not Real Karma ~ by the ones that 'Know Better'. Pure Evil.
Mine(*) is one of the worst cases of Trauma Based Mind Control.
*-> My 'Story' in THIS life / incarnation / however you call it in your Books. If you understood that, you would see what I mean when I say, the others are Fabricated. :'(
I honestly, don't know what to do next. Everything I do is in vain, Adapting is NOT a strategy/ option. (Thanks, Krishnamurti)
We've made literally no progress at all... While.... Their excuses for Past & 'Future' always, undoubtedly received Green Light, if you know what I mean. This past year has been SO MUCH Pain for me. Mocked at every corner, maimed & tricked with every little step ''forward''. This is not life / choice / progress. ~~~
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