Azra's little corner

8 Dec 2020

The weirdest dream

8.12. Almost 5 AM! Had the weirdest dream !Whoa! "woke up" in the dream being fucked (spoon) by a guy that was asleep. He seemed older than me & there was smth unpleasant about him. His dick was penetrating me weirdly, as if his body wasn't even moving. V fast fucking & it felt so odd. "like the best sex that's also the worst" - A RAPE! I felt raped. However, I thought... Hey, it's for a reason... So I started visualizing (similar to what I do when I masturbate). I saw his dick as a fabric, with 4 corners coming close to the middle... The feeling was extatic … And it's not that I didn't allow myself to enjoy it... But... I felt raped (???).... So a dream within a dream (within a dream) I screamed... And stopped that thing. He woke up & morphed into smth more familiar... We got out...

[...]

Opened it to reveal a beautiful, wonderful dress... Silvery with shiny snowflakes. I couldn't wait to try it on [Lol]

•Woke up weird / stupefied, but had a feeling of love when I thought about that dress. Like a message of sorts. What could it be? In this dream... I felt invaded. On one hand... Someone (if only I knew WHO) was trying to tell me something; but also invaded by creeps & their opinions on sex & pleasure; Something weirdly wrong... If only I knew what... A most dubious dream ♥♥♥

Afara ninge frumos...

in the p.m. Sunt suparata. De prea multe oriam auzit clar cum ticaiturile ceasului sunt mai rapide decat ar trebui. Nu stiu de ce (nu cred ca vreau sa stiu) dar sunt sigura ca are ceva de-a face cu "mine" [viata], Matilda, + alte dubiosenii.

Pfftttt.

Mac-Mac, sau Quack-quack

......................

:p~

:">

View from balcony.

What was I thinking?

♥

Collarbone?

My oh my do you wanna say goodbye?

To half the Kingdom, baby, tell me why?

My oh my do you wanna say goodbye?

To rule a country, baby, you and I?

{Aqua}

So sad... Just lies... And so little in between... Hidden... By whom? From who? Till when?

Mai da-mi putin timp...

Dar eu nu stiu cum sa fac asta(?)

Sa traiesc in zadar inseamna ca iti dau tie timp?

Cine esti tu, oricum.

Si cum sa te respect, cand totul e ascuns stupid...

Nu pot sa fac nimic cu adevarat.

Si tot ce fac e degeaba..

💋 - Oh, ce ti-as face.

Sa te prind n-am cum, caci nu sunt intinderi carora sa la mai zic "Drum"...

6 Dec 2020

Por una cabeza

Por una cabeza - Carlos Gardel ~

Por una cabeza de un noble potrillo

Que justo en la raya afloja al llegar

Y que al regresar parece decir:

"No olvides, hermano,

Vos sabes no hay que jugar"

Por una cabeza metejón de un día

De aquella coqueta y risueña mujer,

Que al jurar sonriendo

El amor que está mintiendo

Quema en una hoguera todo mi querer.

Por una cabeza

Todas las locuras;

Su boca que besa

Borra la tristeza

Calma la amargura.

Por una cabeza

Si ella me olvida

Que importa perderme

Mil veces la vida;

¿Para qué vivir?

Cuantos desengaños, por una cabeza,

Yo juré mil veces no vuelvo a insistir

Pero si un mirar me hiere al pasar,

Su boca de fuego, otra vez, quiero besar.

Basta de carreras, se acabó la timba,

Un final reñido yo no vuelvo a ver,

Pero si algún pingo

Llega a ser fija el domingo,

Yo me juego entero, qué le voy a hacer.

Por una cabeza

Todas las locuras;

Su boca que besa

Borra la tristeza

Calma la amargura.

Por una cabeza

Si ella me olvida

Que importa perderme

Mil veces la vida;

¿Para qué vivir?

https://youtu.be/SJ1aTPM-dyE

No.

I still don't like masturbating.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

The idea is not to like it.

My idea is that hopefully I will be 'allowed' to stop doing things like this asap.

Why?

Why is everything the way it is?

Heard countless stories.

Didn't like the ones that we're most Confident when telling them lies to me...

*Sigh*

I...

I..

I miss...

Something.

5 Dec 2020

E?

Ochi imi zambesc din umbra

~ A guy mentioned this place where I go to for interesting affordable book finds even before I found it. Again, makes me wonder about time, space and how certain people talk around me / what I hear.

Thank you for this wonderful Instagram combobulation.

Am privit..

Am ascultat..

Am visat ca sunt si eu asa.

•

In days like these, I keep thinking how the brainwash [!Education! with "] I've been subjected to is thicker than I know or can see. Hands...Hands...What are hands... What do they mean for... Wait, WHO are they?... I don't want to disrespect or improperly categorize; Oh, you do not wish to be categorized, but look, how we communicate through words, here, so... Something does that to us already... What's between my hands? What's a pinch, cause I can make myself feel some more or less pleasant ones... Every time I chat with friendly peeps online as of late, I keep feeling how THEY KNOW SOMETHING I DON'T and at the same time we're clueless on both sides about certain things...

A...hand...? ..H...How?

https://www.instagram.com/p/CF7JwA2H_Ij/

When I drew that, I thought about a sort of separation, something that has to do with M/F stuff. Not able to really kiss. (Makes me sad).

4.12. *2nd time I go to the park and 'lose' a feather.

Gasesc produsul cautat la produse care nu erau nici ele pe lista - Thanks!

-so weird- HA!

Fac prima supa de cand m-am mutat aici. Ma simt cam aiurea,din cauza ca... Bla bla... Ce-o sa fac mai incolo... Alte chestii imi plac. Nice book finds, again. Last night before falling asleep I was speaking (sleeping) in my mind and I felt listened [to]. Understood? I'm not sure. Today somebody without a body told me through a line in a book I was looking @ that... He (?) told me more about himself than he wanted to. ??? Hello, Mr. I'm still clueless. Tongues - Missunderstandments - The nothingness continues. {Why do I feel the ticking of the clock louder sometimes?}

Oh, hat is it? How should I interpret "the feels"? I still don't know...Enjoy... ENJOI... OI!!!

3 Dec 2020

Masturbation and orgasm stuff

Am fost live mai devreme pe twitch periscope dlive etc (with restream.io)

Am incercat sa vorbesc cu voi despre ce mi-a mai trecut prin minte cand vine vba de toata aceasta mascarada stupida.

Video:

Podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/AN-ORGASM-en97v2

Din jurnal:

1.12.20 Woke up with hangover state that passed quickly. Neighbor noise and headache. Had weird dream. My paternal grandpa couldn't last long, treatment wasn't working... Wait, why did I hear abt all this? Dunno. When I went to bed I was quite sad. Last session on MFC was interesting but...Again. Felt as if me & who I was chatting with don't properly understand eachother. What is "Cam" for these ppl. "Open my cam" doesn't mean clicky to see dick footage :( ----- AFTER ALL THIS TIME? Please remember me / Dante's Prayer ~ Last night, some lovely interaction that I'd rather enjoy (more) not masturbating because... I don't know... It's smth else, in essence... I see the beauty on the other side (no bridge) ~ but... smth above my / their brainwash... I think 2day I finally manage to "settle in " -here- ~ sad about all the weird calculations / escape routes of fools / dunno how to call them. I am sad abt the job situations, would've been awesome 2 be @ the crystal shop but... Then again... That's just me. Weirdness. What is Romania? Lalala, noise. Laaaaaaa

2.12.20 3:33 a.m.

I found the cooooooin (backup done - ha!) ~ Rly, ♥ HaHa. The coconut lip balm though...🌢 I rly rly liked that one! Si pana din Tineretului... Si... Nop, my memories aren't urs :p.

-after I woke up- feeling v bad 2day especially cause of ppl wanting me to masturbate orgasm. V down. Have no clue what todo. I don't want to partake in the sickness anymore. The more days that pass, the sicker it gets. The thoughts / suppositions / imagination requests. Why do anything. If who can make a diff chooses 2 keep lying to us all? ........ I despise masturbating, regardless of what I think about and what these guys show me. We're not the same. They're not superior 2 me as 2 impose their ways upon me. It's been too tiering and humiliating andNO BREAK. Every day pestered. I wanna be alone for a while. Go away. You can't do this 2 ppl // allow seeing what happens. The tape with it's all an illusion is only useful when it's calculated so... Ha...Ha...Ha...Leave me alone... You've been paid 2 ............... me

-NO FRIEND-

💔

I don't know what they are but fools... | ..... Nothing. Zero. They calculated "me" wrong. Every day I suffer because of this. The insults, the... everything The PAID (upon) making me 🗦🗧appear as smth of theirs so they can continue. I said it every time. It's a lie, it's brainwash. It's not LOVE. I don't care the DYNAMIX look good in graphs. Those aren't ppl that they put me up with / against.

-WRONG-

No sexuality

Just LIES.

It's been too long...

I don't have the freedom to try to learn to see this it's been too long under diff. light. Same shits pester me, no real help for what it could be like. Wanking, no love - poison. No money, inquisitors - constant noise / pain. The truth is scattered everywhere but not out there. I can't talk to these ppl as if I'm a new version. They don't even know why they are like that / their faults. Nothing good achievable through this changings of mechanisms that's same thing. No hand 2 help. Making my thoughts smoother when I masturbate IS NOT HELP! IS LYING!

They don't know the truth about themselves. In trying 2 show them... I only achieve to wear myself out. It's not me who can make a difference 4 them [dogs] -> All zolology = Death = all dead ends; yet I still see much identification with whatever zololological. Chirp, meow, boom. Zero!

ME>AI {Because I'm more, mooore, mooooore]

I'm too sad. I can't believe how pathetic my life is and how I'm constantly treated as stupid, humiliated, despite all I tried / did. FFS: ur solutiond don't make save space; emptiness. 0 .

~pulled out the 5 of wands today. I can remember so many similar days/ settings in which I felt weird winds and got the same answer... What's exciting for me? ... What's good soul food 4 me?... If everything I thought I see is smth else... Cute friends unreachable... Security... For what?... So I can be upset about what I hear? Or feel... I don't know... Not knowing what's that that I like or seeing it identified wrongly.🐚

So long...For nothing...

~~~

Pictures now :)

Details from rose ~

Guess my favorite and get a small prize for me oh wait that already happened :P

💨

SNowberries ~

Face n leds.

T-Rex at high altitude in my room.

I listened to some Opeth earlier a bit and now I'm cry.

🗢

1 Dec 2020

baby

I was telling this to someone earlir and thought it's a good idea to save it here too.

By the way I don't like when people call me baby, ok? Especially people I don't really know 🤣

Laura
Azra
Ishkira
.
.
.
Miss
Ms.
.
.
.
Cutie
Sweetie
.
.
.
.
.
Goddess

I think men that call girls baby are stupid and I don't like stupid men. Now you know something weird about me.
So when someone addresses me as such, I kindly ask once, repeat if necessary, but after 2nd or 3rd repeat I feel weird - Even taking into consideration all the weirdness that I'm being subjected to online 'because I am who I am' :-< Same goes for 'bb', which freaks me out a bit because I keep thinking it might have a different meaning for 'data things' ~

💋

~~~

BTW

What is Romania?

What is 'Cam' for the guys that I chat with on video chat sites ~

(it's smth different than what it means for me! - I see what others choose to combobulate in front of my eyes for TACTICALPLANSNWOSHITUNZERO not what those guys actually want me to see / remember them for!)

What is the Moon?

What is a dick?

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/technology/china-lands-spacecraft-on-moon-for-historic-sample-collection/ar-BB1bwYVL

OFC I know what a dick is, and I could write paragraphs about how I imagined dicks feels like, but I'm still not sure about the context in which that happened and where it actually lead to. Anyway, I am a paradoxical being. I am v sad about this though.

I have something

That you don't

And no matter what

You won't

So let's be friends and stop wasting time. No wanna be friends, ok. Bye (Even better! You might be a hermitty being like me :D)

Or whatever this shit we're doing is properly called since time is... Let's say Mysterious (to me!)

0=0

0,0 is a clueless face.

I put my hoodie up, I am still the same person. So what about the wardrobe?

I never wasted time. In my own cluelessness, I was just drifting away and calculating the no option route ~ What it looks like from the outside differs based on ...Oh wait you know that already, phew!

First 2020 snow

Din jurnal:

30.11.20

Wow. Dear Journal, you -almost- lasted 2 months! Now I should be' needin' 2 be on the lookout for a new of you.

Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha

Drumuri azi, sper sa am o ses ok mai incolo, ma simt cam ciudat si la fel ca in ultimele zile. Ninge! Can't remember last time we had snowing in nov like this, winters have been fcked up recent years. EH.

It's colder but I feel less cold than previous days (?).

FFS se termina anul soon si eu nici macar treaba cu temperaturile n-am inteles-o ca lumea. Ieri noapte am plans si am dormit + some self care. Am avut impresia ca corpul in care m-am culcat > corpul in care m-am trezit de data asta. Oricum, imi plac / sunt ok cu ambele; doar ca... Nu am alegere.

Cand robotii dorm... Sa... [Am visat o ciudatenie]

Paaaaa!