From my journal: thinking, hitting walls... feeling, envisioning someone hitting my head.
<woke up weird today>
~ time again tricking me ~
I dreamt something "steamy" ~ I recall little dream parts. Someone was impersonating 'my love' - weird feelings of desire in my dream, [felt observed, didn't like to explore anyway]... Yes, I feel very lonely, I don't even know anymore what my 'horniness' even is considering the 'food talk' and experiments ~ one thing is for sure though, I really don't like waking up alone... Longest time since I was 15 without a [real] kiss unable to see on the horizon something like normal, real, healthy, communication.
Experiments lead to blasphemy.
• Horsepower; how did humanity get to horse porn?
• Why can't I get any real D - I don't believe that guy who told me he has no power to combobulate me one ~ !WRF! ~ How creepy was that..
• I feel like heavy metal ball (sphere) bounced around; weird and unnatural devices attempt to make me do things I'd never do under normal conditions (?)
• Masturbation and just that is not healthy sexual life for beings like me.
• I look at things I like, remember about the lil' ones powering up my reality and I wonder why nothing truly makes sense anymore...so alone... so not me... what a waste of...everything...these past months have been. π
did I mention I really don't like masturbating?
Rasaritul de azi vazut de la geamul de la bucatarie. }atata lumina rece{
I'm not doing what "I'm supposed to"? I receive more "pain that makes me older", as I call it as of late.
Who's counting now anyway? I am not allowed to know ~ How can I ever truly 'serve', in this case. Not reaching the tail, the instinct to bite is ever-present, never fully satisfied.
They can put sounds in my head ~ bleah.
Then others think I emit the sounds I hear.
So much confusion...
Experiment IV
Kate Bush
[Verse 1]
We were working secretly for the military
Our experiment in sound was nearly ready to begin
We only know in theory what we are doing
Music made for pleasure, music made to thrill
It was music we were making here until...
[Chorus]
They told us all they wanted
Was a sound that could kill someone from a distance
So we go ahead and the meters are over in the red
It's a mistake in the making
[Verse 2]
From the painful cry of mothers
To the terrifying scream
We recorded it and put it into our machine
[Chorus]
But they told us all they wanted
Was a sound that could kill someone from a distance
So we go ahead and the meters are over in the red
It's a mistake that we're making
[Bridge]
It could feel like falling in love
It could feel so bad
But it could feel so good
It could sing you to sleep
But that dream is your enemy
[Interlude]
[Verse 3]
We won't be there to be blamed
We won't be there to snitch
I just pray that someone there
Can hit the switch
[Chorus]
But they told us all they wanted
Was a sound that could kill someone from a distance
So we go ahead and the meters were over in the red
No. You're wrong. Or I'm just not seeing the numbers behind the letters I'm reading as words you might never even heard of because... No. You're wrong.
There's a reason why every time I feel you I feel like running away, I only gave a bunch of select few a ticket to my mind anyway, the rest are there by breaking in so I can't be anything for anyone of yous for real until this is ..... ? so stop expecting, stop counting me in, please, I don't want to be. It's so embarrassing telling you over and over again. No. You're wrong, you have things to do on your own before you can be with others. Others like me? Do you have any idea what I went through? Then how dare you comment on my next step? It's your job? They didn't even teach me what money is in your language, man. I need to heal from the cult of past, I need to learn some real stuff, than CHOOSE who I share with how I apply what I learned... This is the only healthy way of doing shit as of where I stand now. I do not allow you to contradict me, because whoever you are, your data is either purely wrong, or incomplete, and I'm tired of it. These past months of what happened with masturbation and my mind and orgasms and internet and media and virus and lies and all.... I can't anymore, I need a break, the lies will not cease to exist if I do it one more time or once again regardless of what I think about it's sick man I don't know what to do anymore. I despise thinking about cunnilingus shit and having orgasms with no real purpose at all cause nobody gives a fuck to teach me something real WITH/IN words. It's like Devil's playground and I hate it. How can I ever trust something or somebody in the real world if ALL the real teachings are in that Unexplainable state & ways that can't be put in words? And by real world I meant this thing that keeps getting combobulated ''for'' me, around me in WRONG ways according to BROKEN laws of the Few that rule what shit? Real rulers do not hide. What are we hiding from? I don't believe in boogiemonsters. (?) No progress quite the contrary, from last summer when... Pains me to say/see.... Used beyond belief...By the most 'spiritual' the most. [Thatnks for letting me know I am Enlightened} ~ but, to what avail? To do what I do these days with my mind, not being allowed a real fucking break to figure out wtf has been happening with my life anyway?? Talk with some auth teachers someone who doesnt need to be reminded with links every time RERERERERERE To see what I've been doing ~~~ Wtf... I feel like the lowest scum ever because of what I ' ve been doing to myself and God forbid I don't do X or Y thing today it's like I signed an invisible contract that i'm doing these shits every day . I ALREADY SAID I NO LONGER WISH TO TRADE ANYTHING.
I SAW SOMETHING Let me go from there stop keeping on downgrading me.. I just want to be alone for a while I dread what I saw the manipulation of emotions (i dont know how they do it ~ do i even wanna learn? No.) The simple fact that I detect these things creep me out ~ Leave me alone.
Real healing needed. We are not on the way . The lies hurt it's like engraving shit more deeply. People have been sending correct signals for years ~ not heard ~ so regardless of what I do / proceed, I won't be heard either so why do anything, I can't.....It's very unhealthy to make me do/think like I did/ for whatever reason without the real deal, ''always promised in the future'' ~ what a sick way of ''life''... I'm surrounded by dead things that have no problem to smile on command, why, I do... I just want out of this shit that I have not brought upon myself.
Another day when I feel like everything I do is in vain, just food for Egregores (that I don't believe in).
I'm sad, trying to figure out how to talk to you while understanding what the f is happening with the reality 'around' me.
•
•
•
Eye sees.
I cried. Critical situation indeed.
To the guy that told me that I don't like my feet ~ 1. Makes me very sad when the doublespeak guys take over. 2. you probably are aware that there are some beings trying 2 make me hate my feet }face{ and that makes me very sad <it's their job somehow too>
because it's not like I really want to like my feet but I like them they're mine I'm ok with them...
@ the limit between infatuation and nonsense i'm at the perfect balance point when it comes to that if only I would be allowed to be. Then you could learn some real stuff from me. Until then doomed to nonsense bad dreams and weird things that I don't believe in but keep lying to my face over and over again and I don't know what to do about that.
Men women and... And all those that 'can get it'
In 8.2 and 8.3
it's not about the children as in ππ± But rather π and then again π£ to π€ . He'll. HELL! Hell is here already if we are forced to lie to each other like we do... Everyday...
knowing what I know it's so difficult to take anything serious and this hurts a lot because I don't know how to live without taking things seriously everything is a lie that I don't want to lie I don't want to waste and I don't want to spend I don't want to earn and I don't want to learn if it's written in lies to teach other lies
• however thank you for giving me these clues I'm really grateful, trying to understand. Symbols that appear like the bent corner that I've seen }why download{ during the past year especially in certain }and said the{ moments.
Little lights. Like I saw hints from stop motion animation videos that wasn't even a picture or something else like sharp breaks in the fabric of reality as I know it...
2.08. Earlier, a guy said, about what he likes: "to be dominated physically, and my body owns you" ~ and my page (tab) refreshed; upon going back online, the font in chat was changed too. What is a <body> 4 ones that don't have one like I do?!
I miss holding hands.
There's something about you 2 !
*
* * *
*
What could that be?
03.08. I don't know how
I don't know why
Yesterday you told me bout the blue blue sky
But all that I can see
Is just..............A tree?
And A wonder
I wonder...
*sigh* [no_comment]
4.Aug. Black square(s) in game I played, black square in book I've read from.
•Yday ~ "Face" -> Someone told me they could see my face as soon as I described something from spatio-temporal (<Real>) Point of view. What could this mean?
I WOKE UP IN ANOTHER BODY.
Today I felt difference from yday (~illusion). <Slightly> better quality body, in way.
-> How can I ever respect my body 4 real if it keeps changing (according to rules and laws those that rule can bend -> NO,NO(from me))
I keep hearing excuses: - There's not enough space
- There's not enough power
-> When did the good intentions stop counting? (when...rule)
-> So what's to come? What more blasphepornication. I feel I've seen enough already. Thinking abt all those things makes me feel sick / unhealthy 4 love • Real 100% Love...
So what do my <very powerful orgasms> have to do with all this? Still don't know for sure...
Putting my face out there has never felt this weird, oh, that day...
π Now, some pics and more words:
B. Agate on the palm of my left hand this morning.
Details in the Sun
Cat with fishtail nose optix... And sword. [Tarot card of the day ~ Ace of Swords, again]
Carnelian
~♥~
Genes, windows, hanged men... [This book, too, wouldn't exist without you & me ~ I hear you sometimes, you probably always do, what is time to you anyway? You showed me what Always is ~ and I giggles, then cried, but still, why are we Forced to chase eachother like this? If only we could talk. Switch switch ~ Where are you? Gone again? More dys with no real clue, and then the hurrr hurrr again, to make me 'old' again, if only for a second, when they take the 'data' out, close their eyes blink blink to what is REALLY there. *sigh*].
Time guy with his tongue sticking out ~ clues about my very own programming (not my creation, but how my senses have been used for other's excuses). ~ For those of you that still don't know, I am programmed to have orgasms when I masturbate only if I think about certain things I've seen in porns (oral sex - cunnilingus because DAMN saying pussy licking feels a bit strange, meow). So, I did not like when a guy did that to me in real life, not because they were not 'skilled' per se, but I liked when they 'gave' me an orgasm with their hands, way more than by *what I've seen in porn videos*. This being strictly about orgasm & How I get there. The layers of #mindcontrol are many, but there has to be a reason why I'm still stuck on this level and I still have to come like this *sigh*.
I DO NOT LIKE THAT. WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP THINKING ABOUT IT? I have NO unfulfilled sexual fantasy / desire.In all my past relationships, I just wanted to be close to somebody ~ excuses always pouring in, by Masters that don't have any book on their bedstand, while I'm restrained here by hardened pages from books that became alive when I've first read them (!!!)
Interdit my ass! #Evil ppl doing #evil things
I got sticky fingers when it comes to runes ♥ It's always INSTANT ~ No patience needed.
Been patient my whole life and for what? To be used some more. I wish I had a choice.
Black nails glass blue eye necklace black string prehnite clay Goddess snake ring moonstone alligator bracelet tit in hand...bed...
Sad eyes?
What is that that electrifies my life?
Pretty for nothing ~
Tired of knowing too much and having literally no one to talk to about it, or about anything,really..
}!All! those that approach me (written spoken ~ perceivable through senses) are somehow like antennas used by Evil dudes. Genuine seekers restrained so we cannot really communicate -. • As soon as we 'make contact' as in: HEYYY, I get you, yeah!, *poof* someone else takes the spotlight, again and again. VERY confusing for me & makes me very sad.{
Until when?
I'm not takenoverable. At times it might appear as if I 'repeat' certain echoes I hear, but that's not me. And If I can tell, why can't you, especially those that OH know me so well?
Fluffy paw - Laba pufoasa. [This past year I've seen some things that make most of my good past memories seem like dust in the rain. Not even mud.]
I like the trees in this landscape, almost like a painting with little pixels dancing around.
To the one that said Yep in that trendy voice inside my head: Go fuck yourself! I am tired of 'fucking myself' for you/anyone, really, in this whole ALL/ONE mess of a missunderstandment. [WOrds}
To all the lil ones powering up memories that have been used as 'psychic attack' on my poor mind when it comes to human feet ~ I'm sorry you don't really realize what you've been doing 2 me, I wish you well & I hope you evolve into something Divine soon. And I rarely use the word Divine.
~ Abt my feet: I like massaging them from time to time, stretching them, talking with them (hey ~ they carry me everywhere, ok?) I don't like when a guy touches them, let alone kiss them or anything. I like to be kissed in other places. I like giving, not receiving, foot massages ~ Ha! The thought that my ex didn't feel anything as I was doing that gives me the creeps! I IMAGINED how that must feel to him based on how it feels to me ~ See how strange my Reality is? -Not allowed-
Isis point quartz on kitchen table.
More of that Isis point quartz ~ looks like angel wings to me. I'd write more about angels but I am a bit too sad now because of what I've seen lately and how some energies 'change lanes' [For lack of better words]
I don't need more things to think about or things to think about again and again while I masturbate , I don't like doing it. The more I do it the more far I get from my realness (observed results during months of struggle with fitting in shit like this in my Hours of life).
I don't know what else to say, I feel I said it all by now, clear, for all. I am well aware of the takeovers and deleted parts of sparks that show good paths, and to that there's nothing that I can do or that I would ever be able to do (Restrictions).
♥ Polymer clay Goddess figurine handmade by Me (with Sunstones)
♥ Seashell from Constanta, Black Sea, from my trip back in Sept 2019
♥ Prehnite (tumbled) pendant ~ Got this as a replacement because I broke my Rose Quartz Merkaba shaped pendant :(
I've always been drawn to this stone, Prehnite (Not as strongly as to Chrisoprase, but in a similar way) and this pendant is the first specimen I purchased. Now thinking of Blue Chalcedony & how I haven't put my paw on any until now though it's one of my absolute favorites.
"The name chalcedony comes from the Latin chalcedonius (alternatively spelled calchedonius). The name appears in Pliny the Elder’s Naturalis Historia as a term for a translucid kind of Jaspis. The name is probably derived from the town Chalcedon in Asia Minor. The Greek word khalkedon (ΟαλκηδΟΞ½) also appears in the Book of Revelation (Apc 21,19). It is a hapax legomenon found nowhere else, so it is hard to tell whether the precious gem mentioned in the Bible is the same mineral known by this name today." ~ from: https://www.geologypage.com/2019/03/what-is-the-difference-between-agate-jasper-and-chalcedony.html
On my last trip to the crystal shop I got: Aquamarine, 3 x Amethyst, tumbled Rose Quartz, Laser Quartz Point, Prehnite pendant, tumbled Botswana Agate. I always liked stones and I have a special relationship with em, different than the regular commercial views, oh well.
