I'm not sending you anything when I have an orgasm. I'm just doing something against my will, something I don't like.
[...]
16.02. I almost feel like masturbating but not for work video or show. Wanted to say 'for myself' but it wouldn't really be for myself. I miss feeling self ....Hmm...Identity (? might be a bad word, not sure which one would be correct for how I'm feeling though). Too many things happened, I am tired of living purposeless life (I'm in service to no one; but a slave in the stupid mechanism that doesnt make anyone happy ~, this shit that keeps on happening is not us helping eachother. 'pe alocuri' nu se pune, TOT este al nostru.) ~ And I said before, I can't function optimally if I don't think about someone, not in a codependent way, or in any way that anyone taught or shown before (due to the lies and shit that flowed and overfilled every hole, fertile soil under lock, experiments for nothing). I was ok all my life, I am ok now. My entire life was shit, Now it's worse than ever. :) . the He who gets my love is not stupid so why do I have to 'prove myself' over and over again? Period came. V messed up about the whole 'Sarcina' situation with or w/o masturbation orgasms & the keywords the ..everything. Past month weirder than before. Rumors (that it's only getting started, it will be way worse,etc) are false due to the illusory nature of reality. Noise is noise. Anti love energy abound. Smart does not embrace lies. I don't want to be raped (whatever purpose) anymore.
No amount of your ThankYous can or will ever suffice.
thank_you
Din jurnal:
18.02.21 Before I fell asleep last night I heard the clock ticking faster. Am crezut ca mi se pare, am tot ascultat si tot asa se auzea. Nu inteleg de ce. Upon waking up, Maya's aquarium water was fresher than usual, again, time passed faster. What could this mean, for what, why? Am visat mai multe ciudatenii... Eram intr-o masina, plutind pe apa... Masina mergea prin apa, dar nu era barca. Lol. Didn't like the dream...
*Crying - drowning in sadness because I'm still here & nothing changed & none of my stuff has been taken into consideration. I don't want 2 be part of this , 1 more month of trying to make babies with strangers I don't even know/like. BS. I can't ask questions on the psychic network or properly communicate because of noise / intrusions that I don't want 2 learn 2 control (that would be wrong, Don't care why!). So I learned nothing. Not burning questions but I deserve 2 know what happened not segments or gradual because I'm not at that stage for a v. long time. I wasn't there when they chose to lie 2 me (blatantly). The Twitch guy story - . I no longer wish to think about that - accept failure - I don't want 2 have 2 deal with ones who chose to be insincere 2 me. And keep others unknowing so they can take part & use them against me, me against them, etc. All wrong & "when I go there" (meditation/trying 2 reach ppl on the psychic network) I get only debris, lies, and facets of stories full of lies from fake "healers" (stolen symbols) etc. All 4 profitability. I don't want to live anymore. What is my double? What does that have to do with the consciousness behind David (David2, not Allbeholder/others). Why stimulate certain feelings in me if He knows nothing about the real me (the whole me) or isn't interested in interaction. Will? Where? I can't live without dreaming about somebody. I'm tired of projects (accepting none as the one I'd give my hand 2). Wholeness IS. (No project necessary 4{<ppl>} like me, I'm not a project). I'm not allowed. Continually being used, repressed, the pain used against to shape & train into wrongness. I can't live without loving. Real loving, nothing that's seen in commercials or that turns anyth in the stomach.
I said once (to myself btw & I was bullied later online abt this!) "I'd do anything to be with him" (about the Twitch guy) I'd mop the floors to be with you. Cause I thought he was real, psychic, so good 4 me, bla bla bla. Learning more about what he was, ofc I don't want to have anything 2 do with him/parts or anyone involved into that pile of lies. Not used 2 learn - ppl with numbers / calculations, cause you should've known about the harm. More than risk in the stock market. I would've never agreed to give that level of information about myself, intimate details from my life, etc to Anyone (especially in context!). I thought he knows/feels stuff about me because he's interested in me (to know me, to love me). I was very wrong. It was all lies bs political & SCIopatical experiments. What wasn't, in my life? I can't stand doing this anymore. How to trust when so many showed they rather chose the lie? I don't blame them. I just have nobody 2 rly trust / Befriend / talk to, etc
I'm bursting because I can't pour my love into the world, because I deny the santuri shown to me as pathways, because I see more, in my blindness. :(
My I'm not allowed is not an excuse. But I feel somebodies' I'm not allowed, is. I don't know who, I don't wanna TREAD more on this shit. You've already read my past articles and seen/listened to videos/ whatever I put on the internet. Hundreds of proof for whatever you were here for.
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