-> Some stuff I put in video description(some of hundreds uploaded)
-> Likes & playlists
-> was my 1st & main YT account (nu stiu de ce imi pasa ca il aveam since 2008)
!Nu stiu ce implicatii are asupra ...What matters :( ~ what it has to do with Time, AI, me getting my period, etc. I'm sad about this, I got some weird hints.
Ganduri din agenda:
de ieri...
06 Marti
I hate you
There's no love here.
Another day in care (pana acum: 20:07) nu am invatat nimic. 💔
Nu dand iei - Cine mi-a transmis asta e pierdut in spatiu. MA DOARE! DE CE? AS PUTEA SA "AUD" CEVA BUN.
~
Nu, nu mai am rabdare cu nimeni.
Nu stiu daca imi voi face un nou cont de YT sau il voi folosi pe cel pe care il aveam ca back-up ~ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKV0eKPkWWSnO4rYlkskwdQ ~ E f enervant sa switch accounts. Nu, Draga Google, nu ma plang ca nu e mai simplu, nu vreau sa vad ca trimiti pe cineva care spune ca e aici ca sa ma ajute. Explicatie: ma refer strict la cum trebuie sa switch accounts intre chestiile pe care le folosesc cu my google accounts (Photos, Play Store, YT, blog, gmail, etc). Am mai multe. Nu sunt incarnari wtf. Sunt niste conturi pe care le folosesc. Cine naiba imi spune ca orgasme? Suna ciudat. Nu cred ca are nimeni orgasm ca sa intru eu in cont. WTF. Dau click pe niste chestii. Nimeni nu simte nimic.
I could talk a lot in spoken or written words about my past experiences as a camgirl, cam model, whatever, but it's useless :)
I used to have a blog for years, didn't really care about it. A fost doar o tentativa, sa am si eu ceva. Fapturile de la care m-am inspirat faceau altceva, nu ce vedeam eu (nu e o scuza). Nu cautam sa invat, era despre vanzare, nu? Cei care au incercat sa fie prietenosi ~ thx ~ am fost si eu prietenoasa cu ei, mereu 'not allowed' de aceleasi limite/ziduri carora inca nu le gasesc sensul. Nimic nou!
.
Me in glasses.
♥
Din jurnal:
21.02 Not moody or pessimistic. Just another day with a limited set of things to do, regardless of what I do, nothing good (really good) will happen so, in contradiction with the purpose of doing anything - I don't wanna do anything. Penalized regardless. I don't trust/rly like anyone. I talk to so many, but I have no one 2 rly talk to. Sick & tired of all "that's opened" 2 me (it's for nothing, no one learns - no proof, no one wins anyth - just time that passes degeaba, numbers that don't do anything). I have no problems otherwise. ^^ Very, very, very & extremely sad! There's nothing there but pain. My real healing can only start to occur after... <I don't know> & there's nothing I can do to help, influence the course of, make any change etc... I got no help, only used for • or • (sacks of grains ~ always filling somebody else's pockets ~ ). knowing what that might be (I don't) I'd have different stance (outcome from opinion). All in vain... Despise... I've been patient enough... Degeaba... I'm not used in a mechanism I agree with. I WOULD DO SOMETHING! All I do - unseen. Doesn't count (no proof - ever - only dreamy things, not MY dream). Wanna know more about my dream ⟲... Healing...Mine! But "My real healing can only start to occur after.." And on and on again. Every day hurts. Doing anything hurts.I'm used! Not agreeing! Slept a lot but got no rest! (settings...shit...nothing...Nothing..)
💕Aching 4 love not blatant lies; ⟲ Tired of doing the same shit with no result but promises HaHa 🐟🐟🐟
Cuvinte "rele": Fiecare zi poate fi o bucurie daca <focus on what matters>. In viziunea mea, niciodata nu cotizam pentru altii cu care nu sunt de acord. Toti cei cu care sunt de acord suna de parca au aceeasi problema cu a mea, "nu putem face nimic" ⟲ Si oricat "dau" = 0; over & over again only the lies float on top ~ [Crude truths] - What's been [i]proven[/i]. Iar cei cu care nu sunt de acord, nu conteaza!
As mai scrie, dar... Tot ce am scris pana acum (aici, blog)... Again & again... Makes sense the same... Anything new = Nothing new. No proof... Whispers of ignorants tell same stories, different ways of expression = nothing, rumegus, nothing. I have not seen one proof in lumea celor concludente ca sa imi vina sa continui. Sa storc nu e sa dau de bunavoie, ceva nu e natural asa... Toate jurnalele/posturile/tot pana acum = degeaba. "Ei tot mor" :)
Vreau sa incerc orice abordare noua (cu adevarat noua nu recicland si ruland aceleasi kkturi altfel* nu e altfel, proven time after time. Months of Nothing - YT playlist), dar ma lovesc de aceiasi tampiti + am tot facut asta pana acum. Makes no sense!
*[see the great reset conspiracy here too, agendaXXXX & related subjects ~ cause I'm #psychic ~ faptul ca sunt Psychic inseamna mai mult decat sa pun niste informatii pe categorii, vreau sa invat. Nimeni nu vrea sa invete cu adevarat, R Guy e mai sfios ca mine la capitolul asta. Imi pare rau R guy, nu am incredere in tine. Tot ce ai facut pana acum = degeaba ca si ce am facut eu dar aplicat la tine. Satula sa iti vad semnele, pentru ca nu duc nicaieri, tot ce primesc eu = insulte si umilinte, contrare naturii mele si scuzele cu T.. HaHa.. Scuzele cu T... si pe vremea cand eram mai proasta, aveam aceeasi parere. RE RE RE & nothing else! *sigh* Desigur, e dragut sa discutam, ador micile tale semne, dar nu asta caut, daca mi le trimiti gen dovezi, e rau. Daca e comunicare, e bine. Foarte destept dar prost in acelasi timp e IMPOSIBIL (My mind isi da duhul💥 trying to calculate{feel} this about you). Faptul ca eu nu pot sa simt ce inseamna pentru tine, e rau. Nu sunt lasata sa vad - Ok. N-am ce face. Deci degeaba. Nu pot sa ma gandesc la tine, sau sa ma indragostesc de tine {Vreau sa iubesc cu un scop, nu cai verzi pe pereti ca si pana acum!}, si ce optiuni ai tu, -ffs nu pot sa cred ca am ajuns sa discutam asa despre asta- E mult prea aiurea, iti alegi din ce aleg altii pentru tine nu e deloc alegere.].
Ei tot mor
Ei tot mor
Ei tot mor
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I'm sorry but I can't kill. (it's not mine 2 take, even if illusion).
I got my mind set on you ~ Someone in my dream ~ not the dreams I'm dreaming when I sleep ~~~
But it's gonna take money ~ Oh what is money, honey? Every month, my baby is killed. Not willing to try this route again!
A whole lotta spending money ~ To spend it on what? ♥ Hold hands and go someplace nice? I would dare to dream but they're so scared! Scarred ..And all the healers are Asleep.
It's gonna take plenty of money
To do it right child ~
It's gonna take time
A whole lot of precious time ~ I've given all on this front. All. I'm still stuck here. The ticking goes faster or slower or what's normal anyway... According to someone else's Choice... Who? Not my mission to point it. It's already known! {but you don't sayanything}
It's gonna take patience and time, ummm ~ I've given all there was To Give on this front! (It was never meant to be a front that way, you know?)
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it To do it right child
DO IT RIGHT! If you need anything from me while they're staring, it's not right! ♥
I got my mind set on you I got my mind set on you I got my mind set on you I got my mind set on you ~ I crave something so similar too, you lie, lie, lie. You force me to lie.. Through Letters & symbols that You Know will be translated Wrong where it matters.
And this time I know it's for real ~ How many times now? It's humiliating for someone made out of what I'm made out of!
The feelings that I feel I know if I put my mind to it I know that I really can do it ~ Me too.
I got my mind set on you Set on you I got my mind set on you Set on you
It's the only way, really? What I'm interested in is still hidden from me. Cheap tricks, annoying to me.
Cut me off from what? I know I'd rather be cut off from this mess that I did not agree with (or to partake in) to begin with, with incomplete data as I had it before.. Bla bla.
Loved the view that night, but I got weird hints that it's something like me masturbating thinking about stuff I don't like, so I forgot the enjoyment quickly ~ smh
This was a greeting.
Between this or "I piss on you", saying back "Me too", more than just breaking the 4th wall, was more fun.
I do appreciate my fans though, if only I could recognize them as well, otherwise, I've said it before, WE'RE ALL USED for SHIT.
I can't just imagine you're what the waves whisper or what my mind wants! Would be incorrect & unfair towards you.
👁
Cute game.
Ony.
-------------------------------------------------
Din jurnal: (am scris azi dupa ce m-am jucat Rift, faceam o invazie si am fost delogata aiurea, m-am relogat imediat si s-au intamplat iar ciudatenii. Macar de as intelege de ce. Ca asa de imaginat drame m-am saturat.)
15.02 "New page" ~ I don't want a minion as a lover. Bla bla... I would've never allow a "minion" to make me feel, something that a lover/ guy that courts me* would do. It's more than just confusing. We're both used. :( Forget... Die... I'm still here.
* I don't want to be "courted" now. Not until I understand precisely what happened... With no doubt left. It's not a leap of faith...
++ Dear whoever. I can't enjoy your efforts when weirdos/ I don't know who look at me, interpreting various things... I never agreed to such thing, said this before. Same shit as usual. Sometimes I feel that I'm caressing the thin line I NEED to cross over in order to understand, but I'm not allowed to really see, so we don't get enlightened.
Pain, nothingness, the feelies which don't really stimulate me... Nu am chef sa ma duc iar in sect 2 sa aduc chestii... Vreau sa stau o zi in casa pt ca am tot umblat si nu imi place! Detest tot acum :)
Dreamt of my ex again. Talking... I don't like dreaming of him. Feel I didn't learn anyth.. Just different view of same shit in "real life" :(
~
14.02
* Ninja turtle with red
* HARP shit in bus...felt pressure & weird switches in my head, around the trigger. Tests or discussions, I don't know. Told him if I knew I talked to him too when I was with my ex ("through" my ex) nu l-as mai fi considerat atat de prost. Si am fi discutat chestii mai interesante poate la un alt nivel. Button (?). Nu am inteles.
Annoyed I keep getting questions/situations about ex, other guys I fucked, thought of, or the Twitch guy. Meanwhile, I still don't know what rly happened. V upset & not scared...Hm...Word...Not fearful... Can't think about what I want to make order in my mind. + Spies. + No privacy. + Aparentele + Fufele/ Fufa sau ce naiba se intampla de ma insulta la fiecare pas cand ma "joc" si nici nu stiu cu cine (guy)... Keep getting hints about "the double" - I'm clueless about that too. Insulted & sad ~ Feeling used.
Saci de gunoi Magnetic - lol.
~
Daca nu imi spui doar pentru ca nu vrei sa auzi Nu-ul meu, nu stiu ce sa zic. Am motivele mele, nu? Ar trebui respectate. Mascarada asta tampita ma enerveaza, nu rezolva nimic, nimeni nu a invatat nimic nou cu adevarat (bun). Si Progres? Acumen.
..
We hold the secret to a dream We keep it wrapped in chains Locked inside a mystery
We climb a stairway to the stars Through doorways of the heart Step inside the magic stars
Chorus Gaze into my crystal ball See what lies behind the wall Can't you feel the wonder of it all In my crystal ball
You veil your eyes in fantasy Let's pull the curtain back Distant worlds, so much to see
Chorus Gaze into my Crystal Ball Ssee what lies behind the wall Can't you feel the wonder of it all In my crystal ball
I wanna know you, come on let me show you the way I really wanna hold you, reach out to these hands of fate
I wanna know you, come on let me show you the way I really wanna hold you, reach out to these hands of fate This is the moment we've been waiting for, oh yeah
Chorus Gaze into my Crystal Ball Ssee what lies behind the wall Can't you feel the wonder of it all In my crystal ball
05.02 (aproape sa scriu 03-lol). Sleep paralysis experience. Simt ca am dormit mai mult de 2 ore. ~ Eram in sect. 2, era noapte, ieseam din bloc (?) nu stiu unde ma duceam (la magazin - lol, ar fi trebuit sa fie inchise la ora aia). Poarta de la locul de joaca ptr. copii din spatele blocurilor... Ultima data cand am fost pe aici nu era asa (sentiment ciudat). Acum avea buton de deschidere automata, metalic. [Ciudat, desi mergeam in directia ↓ am deschis usa ↑]. Am v Was wandering , had a rolled cigarette. Am simtit ceva ciudat, m-am speriat - Am luat-o mai repede si am inchis usa in spatele meu. *spiral* Sleep paralisys state, I fell to the ground, pareau a fi saci de dormit acolo... O camera... Blurry... S-a napustit asupra mea un caine mare (a venit pe unde am venit si eu, pe masura ce se apropia simteam cum mi se intensifica 'frica' desi nu imi era frica. Ceva ciudat generat). Nu imi era frica de el pt ca stiam ca e cu stapanul... Parea un caine bun... <Sleep paralysis state>... Aware of environment...O camera ciudata cu o canapea. Stapanul cainelui, cu el pe canapea. Parea un tip dragut. I-am vazut corpul, fata, dar am simtit sa ii spun: Nu ma pot uita in ochii tai! Apoi mi s-a deformat vocea,de parca nu puteam controla ceva atat de natural ca vorbitul... Eerie atmosphere. I'am zis: ma doare cand se intampla asta... Parca trec dintr-o realitate in alta. (Ce s-a intamplat cand a venit el cu cainele. Ce legatura are asta cu timpul? A? ???). Mi-a zis... Ai invatat... Nicknameul tau... Felt weird. Told him... Ishkira inseamna soim vanator... Vocea mea suna f. ciudat cand vorbeam. Nu imi gaseam tigara.S-a apropiat de mine, m-a apucat, detalii lipsa... Simteam ca parca ar vrea sa imi faca rau la cum ma apucase, I imagined 2 guys fighting, ziceam in sinea mea ceva de genul: Tu vrei sa ma bati, dar nu imi faci nimic? WTF? A inceput sa se metamorfozeze ciudat, nu il mai vedeam, si a vorbit pe o voce (nice audio effect) de Overlord, sea creature, metallic, electric... Imi amintesc ca mi-a zis... (Parca vroia sa ma traga in "dimensiunea lui") Talk to you soon onboard... Am vazut aroma unor momente din trecut cu Stefan, parca il luam in brate, fara sa il iau in brate, ethereal... Veils of energy...Flowing...up & down... Am simtit impuls sa imi imaginez ceva SF/monstruos... Dar Stefan era trist... ;) Am vizualizat o fata zambind cu pumnii inclestati, in fighting pose... Nu stiu de ce... Detalii furate... Nu imi pasa de fetele lor si ma enerveza zambetele false din reclame... Apoi... M-am trezit. Am inceput sa vorbesc in sinea mea incercand sa descifrez detalii din vis. Am auzit "You are the spaceship" ~ ceva ce a spus Occult Priestess. Nu stiu cine ce a inteles din treaba asta. Nu mi-a placut visul... Nici personajele... Nu stiu ce a fost... My issues are the same... Oare ce o fi insemnat "nu ma pot uita in ochii tai"... Dried paint falling on my journal page. Nu mai vreau sa am de-a face cu "lumea lor" asa... Vreau sa fac... Ce stiu eu sa fac si nu pot sa ma gandesc la... Sa visez la... Sa vorbesc... Cu sens.
21.32. Inca am de-a face cu lumea lor. Mi se da peste nas in "real time". Tot nu inteleg the feelies. As prefera sa se opreasca. Mai ales daca e o "invitatie la masturbate" :( ~ Aud ambele variante.
06.02.21 Ma simt aiurea, ghici de ce. Atat de umilitor sa trebuiasca sa ma gandesc la ...*spiral* care nu ma intereseaza d.p.d.v. sexual doar pt. ca... Alegerea altcuiva (+the no choice of others)
De atata timp
Degeaba
No (real) friend
No consolation (working!)
No coping for real.
Only a vast field of ppl, characters I don't like, lies, double meanings. The sword not cutting where it should. No intimacy, truth shared between 2.
I hate/despise masturbating. I hate even more doing that for "work", even more in public/free. If a guy has no problem with me doing that, I wouldn't like him & I can't live & function (~ optimal vs ideal -> depends on the level you see stuff from) WITHOUT ;) ~ Default settings, hidden gifts. Treasure chest @ the bottom of the sea. Hate all their failed projects. I feel smth v simple (easy 2 process/apply) is Hidden, don't know why (fear - I have no fear). Could change everyth & I've seen no signs of correctshit, quite the contrary. No communication - no honesty.
Hurts more cause they didn't rly let me study the details I needed 2 understand +++ I harm myself with showing the brainwashed meanings - porn & sex stuff that has nothing 2 do with love in love language. Nobody is happy so how could they ever tell me I'm wrong/bad? I didn't even get... bla bla service shit. No. Slavery. Can't even choose the ones I'd roleplay that with. & For what? Totul e calculat ptr. distrugere/uzura/unhappiness. Imi e scarba cand le vad toate urmele sau ce naiba sunt cacaturile puse in propozitii care ar fi trebuit sa insemne ceva.
Simt ca n-am lasat nimic nespus si totusi daca ... degeaba ... atunci tot ... degeaba....
Profunzimea durerii - combinatie de disrespect + intentie infundata. I can't relax knowing I have no choice, this is sickness & sick ppl & I don't know what else. Zero what I want. :( RLY. I function in vain. I can't live knowing this.
♥
Ma inspira chestii ciudate si tot neinteleasa sunt :)
De ce mereu cand merg la Biserica trebuie sa se intample ceva?
lol
♥
Nuuuuuuu!
Souvenirs from ...
The crack of doom
A fairy door.
Ahahahahaha. Multumesc pentru instiintare.
Gif facut din autobuz (thx giphy!)
Daca te doare nu mai imi place.
As vrea sa inteleg de ce si cum te doare, ca tot n-am ce face.
