16 Dec 2020
Nothing else.
25 Apr 2021
Nimic.
In continuare, nu am nici un prieten si toti invizibilii cu care vb de se fac vizibii in moduri stranii incomplete si nu pot medita asupra completitudinii lor pentru ca
cineva
nu stiu cine
alege sa
minta
in continuare
.
Nimeni nu face nimic.
Nimeni nu e fericit.
Nimeni nu isi da drumul in nici o gaura ca apoi sa se bucure de feelingul reliefului si sa isi imagineze fantezii traindu-le (apoi? =)) ) in REAL TIME.
<3
Nimicuri.
</3
N-o sa ma fut niciodata cu nimeni in vazul tuturor. Sa mai spun cat de gresite sunt...Ce sunt?? Tentatii tentative tendinte CE? ALE unora? LOL
Nu. E altceva ce nu poate fi organizat corespunzator in cuvinte, aici, pe blog.
Poze:
M-am saturat sa tot fug.
Nu am de ce (de cine)
Nu am unde.
Nu am... Nimic.
Tot ce am e imprumutat si poate ca e altceva ce nu vad eu oricum :)
----SAD: Am inceput sa primesc sugestii sa ma sinucid, de preferabil aruncandu-ma de la fereastra. Nu trag pe nimeni la raspundere spunand asta, apropo. Nici eu nu stiu cine mi-a propus asa ceva, dar tot aud la "psychic telephone". Ori sa ma sinucid, ori sa asasinez pe cineva ca sa merg la inchisoare (dubiosenii in combobulatie, demistificarea iluziei? Parerea mea: Nu) ~ Am intrebat: daca vrei sa 'mor', de ce nu ma 'iei' in somn? Apoi, am auzit... Pentru ca aia nu ar fi o alegere. Si am spus, pai nici daca ma sinucid la 'sfat' nu e o alegere. O alegere ar fi fost, gen, acum cativa ani, cand tot ii spuneam cuiva ca vreau sa ma sinucid, nu neaparat din teribilism, nici ca sa atrag atentia, nici ca sa ii testez reactiile. O combinatie a tuturor partilor bune. Si atunci da, am ales, nu m-am sinucis... Nu cred ca prin sinucidere ajung Acasa.
Citez din jurnal: "I'm not scared/fearful But smth isn't right abt this... Taking my own life = bad, not? HOW? I do not belong to the religion I was baptized <into> (HEARD STORIES FFS!) - No? Family? I decided long time ago...Becut...Be cut...(me)...:(. Thank you for...whatever..At times I feel some "help"."
---------------------------
Thanks for reading / whatever.
21 Oct 2020
Car nightmare and other words
17.10.2020. 5.33 a.m.
Every time it rains
You're here in my heart ~
New Moon in Libra with Merc. Retrograde. Yes. Mercenary Retrograde. Oh, how I love some of your stories. But... Not even being allowed to touch? _____________________________
I was prompted with: Thank you for using Adobe Flash Player. If FP was a (even if artificial) "mind" , he would not need or want to thank me. We would just <touch> ~ Do things together. He seeing through my eyes. Being passive or saying something, @ his will, IN ACCORDANCE to my will ofc [I - the user]. So what does his family truly want and why so much unnecessary Screen Time? Time / space being Fake... There's no real danger "out there", FPleaser.
18.10.20 - somewhere in the pm -
Had the weirdest nightmare last night ~ A nightmare within the a nightmare. I was following a person (?) who said that they'll attend a play but I ran and got there before him, only to find [Ghosttown] no play -space- ~ An empty stage, no crowd. From the backstage, which seemed like a church altar[hint-The Now], a person looking like Valeriu Sterian appeared ~ he felt like an empty shell. I told him I liked his music a lot when I was younger - he laughed like a dead man. I told him - Your music always had 1 obvious message 2 me: "Freedom"* Doamne, vino doamne, sa vezi ce-a mai ramas din oameni ~ , and I gave him a commander salute with my left hand and I left. (Apparently military salute with left hand is a bit disrespectful, considering my right hand was perfectly usable; But Hey! I knew why without knowing why apparently). * Nothing to do with '89, RO, stuff, but how I ♥eard the music. As I was rushing {I felt BIG danger?} to my car; parked there; 2 "hot" chicks were parked there. I told them I know I forgot my car door open {This was smth punishable by Law in the dream} and I showed them: the keys were in the lock - my purse left @ the back of the car... Told them it was an emergency (?) blabla. The scary noise was getting closer and closer. They said nothing. I got in the car and it morphed - My bed {bedroom} was the inside of the car, with a little window top left as I layed down. The noise was pounding my ears. I was scared, scared to be found "with no cover on"... I woke up as from a sleep paralysis experience, the noise was also here, but dimmed; from construction site nearby. Similar sound patterns, but different feel. Weird dream. No coincidences. Felt very lonely, and misunderstood.
I was always right - they were wrong. All my life ----- planned to be abused by others; through others.
Reach - nothing AweThentic technic allowed to really reach me. Always missunderstandments & milking. Tales of love lost to the wind. I am deep undersea; Treasure lays burried; I wish I could rejoyce in what I hid there really means. I'm very sad; I'm also very happy - and apparently that sucks ♥
19.10
I didn't masturbate for ~ 3 days. However, this doesn't feel like a break because of all the prompts & feels down there. My inner female is tired to think about all these men and or parts she wouldn't do anything sexy with if she had the chance. My inner male is tired to think about all these women and or parts he wouldn't do anyth with if he had the chance. What about my _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ & related? Most important juices even for the hunters who still dare not admit so. I am profoundly sad; nothing in this retched pile of lies can match that.
20.10
Too much pain. Nose. Wet. Sniffing the lies, one after the other, in sequences that seem to repeat with nothing else in between. Nothing left to... I didn't learn anyth new, all this time, since I've been telling you, how we have no real choice. I don't know what to "do", 4 Every(any) Doing seems to support somehow somebody that I don't. Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, no choice / no soulution. After all this _ :(
On dating: I'd rather go outside and literally clean a car with my tongue* than "go out" with smth that looks "like me" but it's just a human flesh suit looking car.💔* Nothing sexy or pleasurable about this; Today & recently -> Everything hostile or in disguise.
21.10
No progress - Lies, lis, lies, lies. Why do it (masturbate-orgasm) I despise it; has nothing 2do with real love (atm); Regardless if I do it or not, nothing changes; they ask me to do it again. I begged in all my voices - please tell them; I do not enjoy this. There are lies; especially abt. love & sex; me masturbating and getting orgasms doesnt lead anywhere good. What this does + What they do ( choose ) interferes with my "little choices" & me getting / having / working towards "having" a life. Ppl have been sending the correct signals for ages. Why waste (deliberately harm) ourselves like this? It hurts me so bad! I do not want to hurt myself! I have no choice ( 0 = Zero) - I'm stuck here ~ Somebody else's LIE, not mine! I never had a choice; A real one. They speak more lies through all the means; Pls STOP asking me to masturbate / orgasm; I NEED TO HEAL, NOT continue like this; I was always right but 2 what avail (?)