Showing posts with label nightmare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nightmare. Show all posts

14 Jun 2021

new

Michel Owner & Founder Canna Bio Swiss din Smardan 28 &/or Crew, or J, or whoever responsible.




Pentru ca mi-am pus chestia asta pe fata (face), chiar este nevoie de atata kkt si minciuni? Ca apoi tot eu sa fiu cea 'vinovata'?

Asta e doar un mic detaliu din cate chestii m-au enervat azi. Enervat/suparat/intristat, nici nu stiu care e cuvantul potrivit. E mult prea mult timp de cand am parte de astfel de 'tratament'.

For the record. Michel e numele unchiului meu din Germania (Povestea cu costumele de carne) ~ Desi pt mine keywords nu conteaza asa, cand ma pregateam sa ma bag la munca ma gandeam la ce produse am cu iarba si cum vai, primerul ala e cu iarba, ce bine. Chiar cand am terminat ma suna de la acea firma (mentioned in 1st line) si ca sa vezi, cate keyworduri... Sunt bagate pe gat... cui???


CuiB???


Nest building, that's what we do?


Nu, nu imi spune iar ca 'vad ca Laura', nu imi imaginam un cuib asa. Indiferent de insemnatate, ceva nu e bine, si NIMENI nu face nimic in aceasta privinta.

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Thank you for supportin' & the pointers/comments I get. De cele mai multe ori insa cand imi e dat de inteles ca..Cineva e ON now (what for me is now) NU STIU cine e, deci nu stiu cum sa il abordez. Sper sa isi dea seama de asta.

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How I earned 1$ 17 cents.
Guy enters room. 
I start getting visuals (e?) about what he might be interested in seeing/experiencing. 
He says that thing to me (pic below, 1st chat bubble); I ask him (trying to be kind) about what he really meant by what he said. Because I KNOW It's not literal, and the poor way of using words made that obvious. I get no reply. I try to imagine more, then I start getting pestered (pushed on triggers, stinky feet and mouth ones). I ask in a jokingly manner if I'm talking to a human or a robot, because If that's the case (robot) I might be interested, but in other ways (trying to have a good time ffs. NOT BECAUSE I roleplay as Dom, that's what I'd do with anyone, indiferent de raport..). Knowing that's what 'he wanted' to hear, I raised my voice, Not really yelling. "You are not able to comprehend that right now" (about the ways in which I'd enjoy the dialogue if I knew he is a robot).

It's not that double domming is not my thing. But this sort of s(h)it(uation) happens in all areas of my life, not only when I log to 'work'. :)


I said There's no need for that meaning there's no need to be so rude/mean. Posting that after he left the room because I talk in weird ways and still don't know how I'm heard. I then decided to screenshot it and add it to this blog post (editing - I got private just as I was editing smth to this post) & I felt weird thought: WE MADE YOU WRITE THAT. So you'll be confused, upset, and doubt yourself some more if you should post this on your site as the impulse we already knew about before you even had the idea ~ shit type of thing.

Don't tell me something is wrong with me, pls. Not anymore.

Thanks for the money! I'll get some beer.


8 Jun 2021

Stuff

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Podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Podcastul-de-azi-e12bks9

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68 kg 93-69-99

! Woke up having an orgasm :( ~ in the dream, "mom" told me 2 have one, left the room. I didn't like it. I was thinking various porny oral scenes* - I DID NOT LIKE - kept saying "I don't like this", "No", etc. Similar 2 how I feel RL about it :(. Disgusted... !
~ I rly don't like anything that "gets me there" - I'm not in denial - Not my animal side :(
Just as I got the orgasm (I was doing the countdown too, in the dream) thinking ... Explosion, Thunder sound, etc, I woke up ~ having pulsating type orgasm, feeling like pushing it away :(
So, I don't know what really happened, but I did not enjoy this experience at all. I never had any dream orgasm that I liked, something that I want more of. I am not denying myself pleasure, this is about something else, that I don't agree with at all, as it appears to me (And I am not one that can't be understanding / open minded). No good male energy to me ~ Regardless of all. The ease of how I can get mentally aroused & 'get there' ~ FOR WHAT? 
Lack of sincerity.
Nobody talks the truth about these matters.

*Cursive, with the possibility to feel very real. Invasive, because I wouldn't even do that with someone I trust/like/want... I felt I could browse and pick the faces, but I didn't like any. I 'picked' a 40's ish looking couple (effects). Facesitting & cunnilingus close-up :)

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I still don't know what my orgasms mean. Having had so many, I learned too little.


Otherwise, same thing with the same thing.

Thank you for reading. 

💋


There's a hunger still unsatisfied


21 May 2021

Blog post

19.05.2021 Din jurnal:

18.05. Early am. Slept weird/woke up feeling weird. Thinking about my sadness & how it’s mostly because of {spiral} about masturbating/orgasms (4work & not only – all abt this subject/topic). I don’t like anything about this… Keywords… Faces… Ways… Any… Missing me like this is almost like not knowing me, so you can’t miss me… I didn’t like any part… None… & I didn’t even understand (inner knowing or from ppl/clients/etc) the basics of what I needed 2 know. “This fucks up my days” ~ no answer. I wouldn’t do this for anyone, & I have no idea (still) who I’m doing this 4.  -_- . I’m not struggling 2 find purpose… To learn…How? (foundation…building on lies…no good…). Too much time passed with this sort of pain & too little understandment… I didn’t learn. This hurts. What I learned/found out (1) could’ve happened without any/most of this shit. “I don’t know what to do” ~  I really don’t like anything of the …whatever I think about when masturbating… Big lies that I still don’t know of?...??? Unjust… It’s been too long… I felt awful even when it wasn’t. No one listened… As if… They cared about/how I was feeling but not listening… Blame always smth else… More shit… Days… Lies… It’s so illogical, even if you look @ the “heart cannot be controlled” type of perspective. I don’t know what to do… More? For/because of who? This is not love/loving. Or me facing (my) nightmares… I don’t see anyth good abt. This… Why do more? Proves nothing “that I can do it”. Proved nothing… All the times when I felt it can make a difference so I had that as motivation… Who I’d love (in all ways) would never misunderstand me in these ways… Poison*…Blindness… *Not the type that can do anyth… I would embrace that/accept… & go on. Feeling raped every day & not allowed 2 heal…WTF…All I hear is nonsense… Love would never ask this… The, the, the…Excuse! Friends would not do this 2 eachother… Getting drown in lies… Contradictions. Misunderstood…Opposites? [I have seen no proof, just silly explanations]. Have…Have…Have…What? It’s worse than a stupid/bad joke… What to look forward to? Having a face means smth else… Energy (the one I seek/know of) ~ nothing 2 do with this… It’s no healing me masturbating/orgasming thinking bout anything/in any circumstance… Unheard prayers? Prayers are never like that – There’s no love like this…💔 I find no word for how I feel. No soothing… Not to hold on to (in a bad way) ~ to soothe, how bad this hurts. I don’t understand, songs, thoughts… of love… With nobody doing it. Living it. Not an invitation. I lack essential info “to make up my mind” ~ & clues I get are still tainted (more & more stupid & psych manipulative – Bad). M…What? J every day reality… All I step on / interact with… A message unheard, just like me. I never wanted to do it once… I did it because I trusted (wrongly) someone. I no longer do that/care/want him (at all-no part)… So why continue like this? <Bad speed> 4 learning, for the ones I like… We don’t do anything together… How is lately different that…Ever…? Too much pain. Soul insulting. I would do anything ~ but what happens is not that… Nothing changes/progress/proof… Just weirdo’s/fetishes/ppl I’d interact with in controlled (by me-will) ways. No answer… Rly… What I heard of, fits someone else’s ??? Not mine… All lvls… wrong… Stuck… I said, I can’t buy my way out of this with masturbation/orgasm… I don’t do it for that. I’m disgusted by what I find… Every “after”. 💔. Why do I do it?

- I get pain (phys & mental noise) if I don’t. {I get pain anyway!}

- it’s not hope (at all 4 me @ this point as a reason 2 do it – I don’t lack hope) ~ Hope, misunderstood, as my ways, my love.

- To reach out? Don’t think so.

- Money? (???) No.- Humiliating.

- Enjoyent? No. 💔

- Someone I care about? No.

- Future lover? No (!!! /\/\/\ 💔)

- To learn stuff? |_| v. little. IT’S VERY WRONG TO SEEK KNOWLEDGE THIS WAY (TRADE), REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYONE SAYS! ++ (1)

- Food 4 friends? Seriously? 💔

No ~ I don’t agree – swimming in lies. So… Why do I do it?

Every day I get consumed by how I feel about this, I feel bad & repeating same stuff over & over…Just 2 avoid pain? That’s stupid. I knew nothing of this pain before 2019 & that crap story with Twitch guy! & pain I felt before, what I still feel now, ~ it’s no pain at all! To learn the truth about myself…Above…All lies…No proof/incentive/anything. Lies,liars & ppl that don’t want…(why would I care/not my business/karma) ~ no way as path to heal & goodness this way… Oneness means smth different… I feel I barely (v. little) grasp @ that… Don’t understand why… (CAUSE THEY DON’T WANT ME 2 … MASTURBATE/ORGASM)… Shit… To get lost in a moment…Why…. If you don’t understand yourself, you don’t have that. Self deceiving… I don’t like that… I touch no words that heal with/by what I do…

I wish I had smth to look forward to… Not stupid explanations (~wrong speed,covered up “true intoxication”~)… Crying… Insulting every time I hear a voice I no longer care about/want nothing 2 do with “just because you can” 💔

I wish I didn’t/wouldn’t repeat myself & write about other things… I don’t like masturbation/orgasms/all the lies about love/sex topic & it’s not my friends/peers that I find… Almost as if… Others talk through me ~ but they could talk to themselves without me.

A…a...a…a… I’ve seen no proof. None. Just pain/lies & invitation 4 more. Heartbreaking like I’ve seen no one talk about… I don’t like anything, nothing soothes.. I close my eyes…Lies &??? Images I don’t like/care about… Missunderstandments with easy solution. Will… No proof (!) ~ WHY? Complacency, lies, wrongness… “Too little to count” ~ always.. No proof 4 more… (I asked no proof 4 God/spiritual ~ real things just the shit that makes up my reality… All… One… J & all I hear is lies & excuses & …ppl that can’t do anything with their will ~ smth not respected, like true, earned, merits/shit).

I despise all that “makes me have an orgasm”. I have big trouble dealing with reality, “reality” because of some things that happened. Sickness. Nothing 2 look forward 2 (I wouldn’t do it wrong~)… 💔 I don’t live to say I’m sorry….. If I don’t even know… Only lies/wrongness allowed this way.

In the pm: I was telling Gideon about my sadness, when I feel energies of my ex, or the Twitch guy – “I didn’t know what was happening”~ I don’t like him/want him & how I don’t know what 2 do… Heard the word “neverosimil”, made me sad. Neverosimil, ce? Ca simt altfel dup ace am aflat detalii despre ce era vbs? Weird 2 come from a smart someone (that can suggest me words like that… isn’t that smart by defult?:(). Nu pot sac red ca dupa atata timp, pains, given proof I’m still bothered by nonsense like this… I feel… no open communication. Or trust. NO-NO : whatever was with my exes (ALL of em), guys I kissed/fucked, ALL… Iulia, Twitch Guy, Cortana, NOTHING – I like / want NOTHING of that, for no reason.* Anyth is not respecting my boundaries/healing/learning process… & I’m still force fed lies, every day, & no one 2 rly talk to. It’s no talking if u tell me I’m wrong, without even telling me why. & Most I feel e low lvl is v. wrong and against that* too. L 💔

~

From my agenda:

18 Marti

I don’t like anything. What I love, I would love differently (in truth). Much better. Nobody does this. It’s not a lament. A lament is heard. What happens 2 me ~ No words… Friends? Where? Hiding is bad. No one forces us. Pure will – right – where? When? Lies in dependencies (all). Cum ar fi trecut timpul altfel? De unde stii? De unde pot sa invat?

19 Miercuri

Card of the day: Pope of Swords

Rune: Kenaz áš²

• I don’t want 2 masturbate/I don’t care ~ inadmisibil after so long 2… 💔 ~ Same feelings… Observing… Same…

Gonna go out soon, like lately… Imagine/feel/see 💧 things that I don’t know what 4 … Nothing rly soothes… What would? Not sure how to define/think about… I’d know ~see~

20 Joi

67 kg 95-69-99

 All that screaming didn’t do anything.

Woke up weird ~ Don’t want 2 participate in today ~ I’ll do anyway.

Before I fell asleep, storm, thunders, relaxing sound, I felt I can touch them with my toes. But I fell asleep crying… Message unherard. Psych torture & clueless “friends” L ~


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I was singing to Gideon "You are so beautiful, to me" ~ and asked him if he'd dedicate any song to me, "Cause we are living in a material world" ~ is what I heard.

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Podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Podcastul-de-azi-e119lc3

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Pics:

















❤️💋❤️



21 Mar 2021

:)

Podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Citesc-iar-din---Interferente-in-lumea-calculatoarelor---continuare-et5o09


Da, fiecare zi pentru mine e in continuare un cosmar si nu am nimic bun de facut. Sa cotizezi pentru o iluzie sau alta (impletire de ~ cu minciuni) nu e ceva bun si acest tip de gand e f condamnabiL de catre cei care sunt programati prin scrisul altora sa FACA lucrurile BINE. Acei altii insa, identitatea lor reala, absent cu desavarsire.

Vreau sa scriu din ce in ce mai rar aici.

Nu conteaza de ce. Considerand ca nici macar nu am vrut sa am acest blog si ne aflam cateva zeci (mai mult de 200 in aproximativ un an) de articole mai departe... Sincer acum, e penibil, sa astepte oricine de la mine sa public aici cu regularitate sau sa fac orice doar ca sa apara ceva fara nici un sens scop real dorinta autentica, etc. Nu, nu scriu din dorinta autentica. Da, consider irelevant. Nu ma intereseaza opiniile celor care nu conteaza (pentru mine, nu inseamna ca nu contezi daca nu cotizezi, ci daca nu ma intereseaza persoana ta. Imi esti inferior si totusi viata mea depinde de tine - M-am saturat de cacatul asta). 

Azi o sa scriu diverse chestii random din jurmalele mele



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I'll never love you. I'll never show you how. You raped every corner of my mind which was meant to be treated like smth precious to grow & bloom & shine & all attributes u stolen from me & scattered them in lies 2 make money.


I don't have the freedom to try to learn to see this it's been too long under different light. Same shits pester me, no real help for what it could be like. 


Am avut ganduri ciudate inainte sa adorm, gen: ...Te-as lasa pana si sa te caci pe fata mea. Ar merita =) [Te-as lasa sa imi faci orice pret de 10 minute ca apoi, 10 minute sa imi explici ce inseamna pentru tine 10 minute - haha timp de, pret de.]


I got time... Aaaand fools trained 2 misuse what they got (not time), beautiful machines -> purely mental no fake woman involved. [...] I swear I'd make an effort 2 keep up if I would've seen 1 tiny sign of REAL somethingthatdoesntlead2adeadend.


Stiu. Zolology = death.


I won't "work" today. I'm a lab rat 24/7 (365) which means _ ALL the time. Not 1/3 of time/day (the normal 8h work schedule for humans as I've been taught) Stop interpreting me. 


Exploring nothingness...(lines & shapes above are imaginary)

Dream machine
Mind of mine
Waves of mirage
Waves of air
Gliding through
Sparkling seeds of light.



Yes, it was traumatic, this and that, but a part of me wasn't affected even as all trauma happened.



I DO NOT wish to participate in this masquerade any further... I have no choice... With every breath... I feel... You use me. Against my will... To keep the broken mechanism going... I DO NOT CONSENT.



Ma simt ciudat ~ tot felul de idei. Dar parca nimic nu are rost. Romanescul IDEI rimeaza doar cu Englezescul DELAY (?) Nu cu viata sau cel putin ce cred eu ca inseamna sa traiesti.






17 Mar 2021

I really want to DO something else!

Nu am.

Nu am nimic care sa imi placa cu adevarat.

Ma simt oribil.

Cauza principala e una singura si am tot vorbit despre asta concentrat ca si o cochilie.

Chiar nu mai vreau sa continui si zic asta de mult dar toata lumea pare surda.


Nu am parte de intelegere iar cei care imi soptesc prieteneste ~~~ (???) NU VREAU SA FAC SEX CU EI, FFS!

Viata mea, viata lor, asa vad eu treburile.

All/One inseamna Altceva, nu ORGIE intr-un singur cap.

Nu vreau sa #explore (= SEX IN PUBLIC) cu NIMENI.


Nu ma intereseaza NIMENI din my past dpdv relational (couple/engagement/marriage, you get the idea).


Nu am avut parte de nici o pauza ca sa INVAT sau sa CLEAR my head si nu e vba doar despre merite aici.


Nu reusesc sa fac ce vreau cum vreau din cauza ca sunt abuzata si violata mental zilnic din cele mai penibile motive. Ce se aude cel mai tare la mine = dezinformarea altora.


Daca era un drum de urmat as fi fost acolo.


Acum, aici, NU AM NIMIC DE FACUT.

Sa ma masturbez gandindu-ma la ORICE nu a avut NICI UN REZULTAT decat RAU (mai , mai, mai, din ce in ce mai RAU pentru mine si "prietenii" mei si nu e vina hartiilor care circula prin media, orice Titlu, ascunde Altceva, eu sunt Oarba si totusi STIU).


Fiecare zi e un cosmar.

Every day is a nightmare, nothing more. Not a road, not an opening, nothing.


NU MAI VRAU SA O FAC!


Nu mai vreau sa scriu aici o perioada.
Nu vreau sa ma mai doara daca nu fac X chestie 1-2 zile, nu ma intereseaza vina cui e. Consecventa inseamna altceva in aceeasi propozitie cu Awareness (Real, Pure, Genuine).

Nu am nimic la care sa visez.
Tot ce vad / aud = prostiile altora si struggleul celor buni :)

Stop the feelies, nu ma impresioneaza cu nimic. Daca aia inseamna bani, nu am ce sa fac cu ei. 💔

Fake everything.

"Ma descurc cum pot" ~ I'm not made for this.

Pentru mine orgasme si masturbare =/= WORK. Deci, NU MAI VREAU SA FAC.

Nu am ajutat pe nimeni pentru ca informatia circula altfel din Default si problema/vina nu e de la mine ca sa trebuiasca eu sa fac LUMINA undeva cu MASTURBARE SI ORGASME. NU MAI SUPORT.
Sunt atacata pe toate planurile si cei care ma ajuta (I'm grateful, but I KNOW you better be doing something Different with your abilities). Plutire degeaba, neutralitate 'fake', chestii care se egalizeaza aiurea, creativitate nemanifestata.

E penibil la ce s-a ajuns.

''COME COME COOOOOOOOOOOOOME"
E ceva mult mai rau decat ceva care ma infurie sau intristeaza. Orice fac sunt asaltata mental vizual si imaginatie otravita. Nu ma intereseaza vina cui e. Nu se intampla nimic "to make things right" si NU AM LA CE SA PARTICIP CU ADEVARAT. 💔

Prea mult timp....


Am spus tot...

Am aratat tot...

Nu mai vreau sa continui!

This is not a plea..

~Vreau doar sa ma lase in pace~

Sa nu ma mai forteze sa mint. Nici macar nu stiu exact care e minciuna, dar e legata de orgasme/porn in capul meu, animale, natura invers... Tot ce am facut din 2019 Onwards = O insulta la adresa tuturor ramurilor de spiritualitate abordate, si nu eu am ales sa merg pe acolo, voi mi-ati aratat. Am avut incredere, nu am vazut nici un rezultat, decat umilinta si durere. ... E despre altceva. ~  
{This is not blaming, btw, just saying, it wasn't really my choice}.
 All tickets gone, nu mai dau nici o sansa/ no chance left to give/ A NO NO from me ~ :) [Someone told me: SEE? It's YOUR CHOICE, so YOU DO have choices! And I say No, it's not a choice. You know why? Cause if it was a choice, I would've stopped hearing them already. And seen all those faces that I despise due to all the lies involved. *sigh*. Am simtit ce aveam de simtit, mi-am spus parerea, am cerut in toate modurile posibile intelegere si 'stop fooling around'].

Tot ce mi s-a intamplat in aceasta existenta (Awareness) ~ insulte, minciuni pe alte planuri.. Dar asta cu  energia sexuala si domeniile adiacente...Doare cel mai tare... All lvls.
Zero support.
Doar scuze si prototipuri de... Zambete (carne). 

Nu vreau sa particip mai departe alaturi de cei cu care "am facut chestii" voluntar sau nu, pe INTERNETUL MARE ~ Am nevoie de o pauza si sa aleg la ce sa ma dedic, abia dupa ce invat. Adevarul nu costa si nu doare :) 
Pot sa vorbesc despre orice atata timp car nu imi mai cereti sa ma masturbez si sa am orgasme. Nu mai suport energia rea pe care o simt in corp si la nivel mental. Nu am avut parte de protectie/ajutor in ciuda a tot ce am facut si asta nu e un repros btw, doar o explicatie, chiar nu mai vreau sa continui. Tot ce aud e NU si tot ce vad permis, "curge" = aceleasi minciuni si rautati/ atacuri / planuri de cacat (Minciuni, minciuni, minciuni) Nu am vazut nici macar O diferenta care sa faca o diferenta , nu ca si factor motivational, sau dovada, ci altceva. 

R guy, TACI! In loc sa ma RERERERE pe mine REciteste ce am scris si nu mai da vina pe altii te rog, eu nu dau vina pe altii cand spun ca nu vreau sa ma masturbez aiurea/sa am orgasme, etc. EU nu vreau sa fac asta.
Violation of all that's.... Nu o sa obtina de la mine ce vor.. Indiferent de orice... Nu am cu cine sa vorbesc... Sunt interpretata gresit, over and over, si cand sunt 'pe val' ma ataca cu orice, nu demonstreaza nimic, minciuna e aceeasi, mecanismul NEsanatatii e acelasi, nu mai suport. 
Nu vad ⚖!!! Dar e ceva natural pentru mine. My terms never seem to matter. To REALly Explore, To REALly DO!

#nuvreausexingrup #everydayrapednimeninufacenimic #alllies 

Am scris astea inainte sa 'fac show'. Nu am fost niciodata de acord cu asa ceva, si fac asta de luni de zile, fara nici un rezultat sau ORICE worth mentioning. Ca imi cad iteme dragute in jocuri "Illuminated" ~ asta nu inseamna nimic in afara contextului jocului respectiv. E o insulta. Niciodata nu mi-a placut nici un cliseu. Also, I detest all I feel when performing a 'show' ~ Daca mi-ai fi prieten, ai sti deja. It's not help nor pleasure, not me enjoying or exploring sexuality (I have no privacy & I can't do that ~ VERY unhealthy si I'm not talking like a spoiled brat here) :) "Se baga altii pe fir, neinvitati, profita si, mai sunt si ceilalti, care nu fac nimic rau, si, mai sunt si ceilalti, torturati, si, mai sunt si ceilalti, care nu stiu de ce...". NU vreau sa fac sexmental cu NIMENI, mai ales broadcastuind pe undeva, WTF. Nu ma intereseaza ce inseamna pentru tine. You've been set up against me.
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Ma doare f rau.
Am probleme pe toate planurile (invadata de altii) si nu mai rezist.{Strength is something else} Nu cer nimic daca asta presupune sa mi se ceara sa ma masturbez/sa am orgasme. Nu am incredere/cu cine sa comunic. Nimeni nu face nimic. Stiu sa am singura grija de mine dar nu pot din cauza ca.... Seriously?

Links:

Poze:

Nightmare Tide ~ cca. 2014. Same account & character as I play these days too ^^

Old

New



in my Dimension "Temple of the Goddess" - Bloodiron EU server, Rift Game.

I really liked finding all the pieces. Male figure coming out of a cracked female's head.
So much possible interpretation, thank you for the inspiration ~


Dead Architect at my feet.

In Central Necropolis....



🤣
That's why I don't like to focus on what I don't like.




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[♥]

Piu!

16 Feb 2021

Alt articol nou

 


Mi-a venit deci incercam sa facem copii data viitoare (next time ~ lol) 

;)

Ce gluma proasta.

Halal! (In Romanian it's not about food, more like a bad comment about something / woe).



Today's measurements: 95-69-98 65kg.



Pou






🤫