From within

I need to be cleansed

It's time to make amends

For all of the fun

The damage is done

And I feel diseased

I'm down on my knees

And I need forgiveness

Someone to bear witness

To the goodness within

Beneath the sin

Although I may flirt

With all kinds of dirt

To the point of disease

Now I want release

From all this decay

Take it away

And somewhere

There's someone who cares

With a heart of gold

To have and to hold

Deftones - To have and to hold (lyrics from metrolyrics.com)

~

Poze:

Chrysoprase on hand.

If only...

I saw something familiar.

Melting strawberry vanilla lollipop.

Look at them holes.

♥

Din jurnal:

22.1.2021 Same. Shit. Pain. Prompts to masturbate / orgasm. Nu am nici macar 1 motiv. Chestia aia cu mancarea e  o minciuna - Nu imi pasa a cui. Nu e datoria mea sa dezleg acest mister. Nu am de ce sa mai fac lucrurile ca inainte. Nu vreau sa mai  postez online, n-are nici un sens. Pot sa vb. cu mine si altfel - Toate motivele pt. care o faceam inainte = minciuni sau parti din minciuni si mai mari. Nu am cu cine sa vb. oricum. Daca as fi vazut o (una,1) SINGURA diferenta pana acum, as avea alta atitudine. Toate motivele pe care le aud = gresite, care duc la greseli (chestii rele - degeaba = rau!), sau same as before - nothing. Nu am nimic de zis / aratat mai mult decat tot ce mi-a fost luat deja cu forta. Nu conteaza pt. mine cine e responsabil, pt. ca nimeni nu a fost cu adev. sincer/deschis, fara scuze. Ultima sesiune de orgasme a fost oribila. Imi e scarba de gandurile alea. Zero orice benefic oricui, indif. de iluzia pe care o "alege". Tot ce aud in cont. = NU. NU. NU. Nu am cum sa mai continui, pt. nimeni, in special daca aleg "scuza". Detest tot ce simt daca nu stiu ce e in punctul asta. De prea mult timp zic aceleasi chestii. Degeaba. Nu de dovezi am nevoie (Pt. ce?). _Altceva. o (una,1) SINGURA diferenta ~ E Altceva..! Si ar fi suficient. Fara? Zero. Nu, ms!

Orice fac, I feel bad, si nu conteaza any form of fake shit automated praise or whatever shiny. Daca tot ce gasesc e altceva de facut, NU! Am zis cum am putut si e imposibil de pus in cuvinte... I need a break... A real one... A REAL one... Nu minciuni ca pana acum. Nu mai vreau sa ma simt exploatata / mintita. Nici o scuza nu e nu e cu adev. adev... Deci nu pot lua in serios toate variantele care mi se arata si nu pot sa traiesc fara sa iau macar ceva in serios. Nu am cerut imposibilul ci doar strictul necesar. Nu sunt depresiva, tristetea mea a altceva... Azi... Cacat... Maine... Bleah! Aaaaa! DETEST, si, imi fac rau toate cacaturile la care ma gandesc ca sa "ajung la" orgasm. Ma doare. E prea mult timp tot, mi-am facut rau prea mult... Satula de toate fetele/minciunile. (Twisted partial truths = LIES) :(

Tot ce aud la psychic tel = SHIT, ppl that I don't want 2 talk to [ I NEVER seen a True Hero in my life!]. E din setari, cine nu a inteles pana acum, nu are cum... Niciodata nu mi-ar face rau.. Cine stie ce se intampla cu adevarat. Si niciodata nu mi-ar cere sa imi fac rau fara macar un motiv clar... {Ala cu educatia e o minciuna/ motiv: nici voi nu stiti de ce faceti ce vi se cere, pe toate nivelurile unde e intalnita chestia asta, si nu pt ca sunt L - adica nu e pt. ca nu vad corect la nivelul meu - Nu ma intereseaza ca nu am 'dovezi', ca si pana acum, niciodata nu insist fara motiv cand doare ceva...Tot ce aud e acelasi NU. NU de la mine capeti ce esti programat sa ai nevoie eu nu sunt programata cu Menirea mea. Stiu ca nu intelegi, dar te rog, intelege, NU vreau sa te mai aud, nu vreau sa mai avem nimic in comun, nu vreau sa mai vorbim, nu tu esti cel pe care il caut si nu ai nici o legatura cu el, indiferent de tot ce vad. NU vad decat minciuunile lor oricum. Sau ale celorlalti, sau ale... Cui? =)}. Degeaba, tot. Degeaba traiesc. M-au mintit cu tot, si aparent tot ce vor de la mine e sa imi fac rau si sa mint [FIECARE ORGASM E O MINCIUNA!] -aici poate ca nu vad corect din cuza nivelului la care sunt dar am calculat deja in ce conteaza pentru voi si imi da mereu cu Eroare, deci nu asa treb sa fac lucrurile - tot ce fac e sa imi fac mie si altora rau asa. Nu asta e solutia ci setarile alora, Nimic ce sta in puterea alegerilor mele mici, pentru ca, repet, nu am nici macar o alegere reala. Adica ceva care chiar sa schimbe ceva. Desi sunt cine sunt! This is too stupid to calculate over and over in search for possible whateveryourewastingurtimeon to 'save others' or 'help'. ALL SHIT HERE! ALL. Till the end of time :) 1234 to you too! I have no idea what that means for you. 

23.01.21 Ma simt groaznic.

Am visat ca o fata de care nu imi placea (don't care bout the reason - avea un aer similar cu superioara mea de cand am lucrat la Dodo) _ Facea o schema, din care eu am inteles ca Nume ex: Andrei, Alex, Razvan, etc (nume de baieti cu care am avut_whatever) were feeding into something like a TREE 

>--------< . Nu am inteles exact. Makes me sad; makes all I said till now even more "valid" (if that's even possible - lol). ADICA: Nu vreau, nu ma intereseaza, nu sunt de acord, Ceva e f. (!_ gresit chiar daca nu vad exact ce_ Nu suntem pe drumul cel bun, nu e nimic de reparat la >--------< "configuratie" [Si sunt sigura ca nu spun asta aiurea desi nu am inteles exact - Simt]. E din setari. Ceva gresit cu care nu vreau sa am de-a face DELOC - cum nu am vrut nici in Trecut si nu a contat de ce niciodata si parca nimeni nu m-a ascultat :( ! Toata viata m-au chinuit din cazua ca nu au inteles DE CE ul. Nu e ceva unde eu sa pot face nimic nu e domeniul meu n-am nici o alegere 24/7 RAPED = Me... Nimic altceva. Imi e scarba de tot. Nimic autentic, nimic bun prietenos etc "aproape". Stuck here not because of me or anyth I did... Nu pot sa stau de vorba cu cine vreau, unde simt ca e benefic pt ca "vorbitorii" se schimba mereu dupa calculele altora (care GRESESC! LIARS). -> Because of them (it's an arrow not blaming) NOW I only see CLOCK faces and their FECES. NOTHING good anymore. 💔

Aplicatiile alea nu inseamna nimic. - nu am invatat nimic - Tot ce am facut = umilinta si timp pierdut si cacact cu durere (a mea / a altora). Zero altceva. Minciuni layered cake. Zero altceva. Sufletul se pierde printre minciuni. Solul meu fertil nu a fost niciodata inteles _ Menire. Nu ai cum sa schimbi sau sa furi. Cuvintele dor. Tot ce fac astia e  sa ceara. Eu am cerut un singur lucru si nu sa mi-l faca ei. Mut.

* De multe ori am visat (cosmar) ca nu puteam vorbi, ceva similar cu imaginea asta din Matrix. Nu, nu m-a marcat sau ceva, si era chiar mai rau in visele mele, acea pelicula era ff tight si nu se desprindea in mai multe fasii - Foarte chinuitor. 

Mi-au aratat ca nu ma aude nimeni. Nightmare si nimic altceva; sistem automatizat de muls vaci invizibile :). Zero altceva.  Te uiti in oglinda si tot ce vezi sunt minciuni neadevaruri si timp pierdut.✝

Am facut imaginea asta in Glitchlab.

Ramai cu bine, oricum nu stiu cine esti. 💋

:(

 Why?

Someone told me some things about some 'workers' today. I didn't really understand (fully), I don't want to judge. It's not what it appears to be at first sight [for me], but then again, I wrote about this before. Workers to make up the noise ~around~ me, so... We can... Go on... Go... On... How...? Nobody is happy.

Thank you

Lots of weirdness ~ 

Water that boils slower, and also cools down slower, and other details..(where I'm about to move back)..

Pare ca a trecut mai putin timp, de ce? 

Vreau sa aleg cu cine stau de vorba inainte de somn.

So I can...

     

I wear my sunglasses at night

So I can, so I can

Watch you weave

Then breathe your story lines

And I wear my sunglasses at night

So I can, so I can

Keep track of the visions in my eyes.

💋

Untitled

 

*

As scrie niste ganduri mai pe larg dar tot ma fute la cap un Dubios sau mai multi, cum sa stiu, oricum.

Multumesc pentru consideratie.

Stima!

:

Cea mai ascutita

♥

Cine ma asculta?

lalala

 *

I know how to waste time way better than what I'm told to do to waste time.

I can't continue like this anymore.

*wink*

Pretty tail

Playing with me

Look at me!

I know it ♥

I'm still bothered on a daily basis by

nonsense

Not nonsense that could potentially lead somewhere because

wind

but

just

plain

nonsense

When I look at what I can see

All I feel like doing

is 

Nothing

Nothing, where are you?

Get over here, I want to do you some more.

You're probably the only friend I ever have

ROFL

Why the fuck do I still bother.

I don't know.

Oh, I don't like these words.

If G was right we wouldn't be doing this shit now like this.

"The way"

"The one"

All my life.... Was puke of bad food at best.

Thanks for making it smell nice though but...

You wasted my time....

And I wasted yours..

*sigh*

& 

*wink*

💋

Nothing else.

Latest podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Citesc-din-Epopeea-lui-Ghilgames-enrstp

Din jurnal: Pain and humiliation. Nothing else. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. Nobody is genuine... html? Intentions... Get lost in the fog... All of them... Can't believe my life is as is now, I hear excuses for everything, NOTHING is done, and I can't even have ONE! 

f

n

m

e

l

i

f

m

m

f

~

Thank you for reporting but I don't know how to interpret it. I am Whole, in a different way than made up of all the things I receive hints about.

Sometimes I freak out because I feel as if you keep assuming wrong things about ME.

My feet :)

A view that put a smile on my face

Soft skin 

Experimenting with ....

~

Please, once and for EVER. Understand. 'Tipping' me in the form or *that thing* IS NOT GOOD/Right/ correct. Only leads to 0. Nothing. 

~

The more time passes the worse the lies get. I DON'T want to participate! Spirit guides would NEVER imply that I am Parked because I AM NOT A CAR. You're damn stupid if after months you still choose 2 pester me with this empty shit. I AM NOT A CAR. Body as I have is not car 4 soul to make time travel. Only Zero I hear from u & ppl like u, it hurts me; I have nothing else in my life {For real SOUL growth}.

Someone chose this for me!!!

I can't do anything, really.

Only waste time.

It's not all a show. It's shit.

[...]

U always gone in a timely manner, before another jerk showed up & isolated the room/screen so signal can't be heard/seen.

0 chances; 0 choices.

.

I adapt to any situation.

But what has been served to me lately is not worthy of that word.

L.

Sometimes I freak out because I feel as if you keep assuming wrong things about ME. Thank you for reporting but I don't know how to interpret it. I am

  Whole, in a different way than made up of all the things I receive hints about.

♥

New video:

 

https://youtu.be/iGe2qNQE6rM

Pee, shit, crystal, earbuds, quickie, whatever.

Got the suggestions in weird ways, as if my eyes were automaticly focusing on certain keywords around me, t e or what?

But...

For who am I doing this?

I was asking for help {Writing in my journal, thinking about angels not money}

'Sponsor'

What are you Sponsoring me with?

How do you know that is what I seek/asked for?

Regardless.

I felt something more too

As if you care.

But that's impossible.

How would I know?

Because of how I see the world around me with these eyes.

Only the lies persist.

Who orgasms where?

Mmmmmmmh!

I am not happy.

But you don't seem to be willing to understand my sadness either.

Boring.

Well, It's your own misery as well.

How will we ever heal?

I am totally not into group sex.

I am not poly {polyamorous}.

This doesn't mean I dislike poly ppl. 

WHAT ARE PEOPLE, AGAIN?

*deep pain*

Same shit on repeat.

I can't take this shit anymore.

Sponsor, I have nothing to have a life with, you are probably wasting ur resources, just as I waste my Time doing Anything I DO.

Please, fix ur shit.

No, not u.

~ We're still talking through words ~

Hahahahaha

Long game?

Only losers.

I don't want to talk to losers anymore.

There's no Beta btw, zbang.

Nu, nu ma simt pedepsita. 

Nu nu inca, ci deloc! 

E doar stupid! 

Si inseamna chestii de care eu habar nu am pe deasupra. Hi u smalldick, ur not a beta to me. 

No alpha to be found just jerks. 

(I looked Everywhere! Sorry cute buns.) ~ Noalpha, no beta. No alphabetaaay!

•

💋

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