From within

I need to be cleansed

It's time to make amends

For all of the fun

The damage is done

And I feel diseased

I'm down on my knees

And I need forgiveness

Someone to bear witness

To the goodness within

Beneath the sin

Although I may flirt

With all kinds of dirt

To the point of disease

Now I want release

From all this decay

Take it away

And somewhere

There's someone who cares

With a heart of gold

To have and to hold

Deftones - To have and to hold (lyrics from metrolyrics.com)

~

Poze:

Chrysoprase on hand.

If only...

I saw something familiar.

Melting strawberry vanilla lollipop.

Look at them holes.

♥

Din jurnal:

22.1.2021 Same. Shit. Pain. Prompts to masturbate / orgasm. Nu am nici macar 1 motiv. Chestia aia cu mancarea e  o minciuna - Nu imi pasa a cui. Nu e datoria mea sa dezleg acest mister. Nu am de ce sa mai fac lucrurile ca inainte. Nu vreau sa mai  postez online, n-are nici un sens. Pot sa vb. cu mine si altfel - Toate motivele pt. care o faceam inainte = minciuni sau parti din minciuni si mai mari. Nu am cu cine sa vb. oricum. Daca as fi vazut o (una,1) SINGURA diferenta pana acum, as avea alta atitudine. Toate motivele pe care le aud = gresite, care duc la greseli (chestii rele - degeaba = rau!), sau same as before - nothing. Nu am nimic de zis / aratat mai mult decat tot ce mi-a fost luat deja cu forta. Nu conteaza pt. mine cine e responsabil, pt. ca nimeni nu a fost cu adev. sincer/deschis, fara scuze. Ultima sesiune de orgasme a fost oribila. Imi e scarba de gandurile alea. Zero orice benefic oricui, indif. de iluzia pe care o "alege". Tot ce aud in cont. = NU. NU. NU. Nu am cum sa mai continui, pt. nimeni, in special daca aleg "scuza". Detest tot ce simt daca nu stiu ce e in punctul asta. De prea mult timp zic aceleasi chestii. Degeaba. Nu de dovezi am nevoie (Pt. ce?). _Altceva. o (una,1) SINGURA diferenta ~ E Altceva..! Si ar fi suficient. Fara? Zero. Nu, ms!

Orice fac, I feel bad, si nu conteaza any form of fake shit automated praise or whatever shiny. Daca tot ce gasesc e altceva de facut, NU! Am zis cum am putut si e imposibil de pus in cuvinte... I need a break... A real one... A REAL one... Nu minciuni ca pana acum. Nu mai vreau sa ma simt exploatata / mintita. Nici o scuza nu e nu e cu adev. adev... Deci nu pot lua in serios toate variantele care mi se arata si nu pot sa traiesc fara sa iau macar ceva in serios. Nu am cerut imposibilul ci doar strictul necesar. Nu sunt depresiva, tristetea mea a altceva... Azi... Cacat... Maine... Bleah! Aaaaa! DETEST, si, imi fac rau toate cacaturile la care ma gandesc ca sa "ajung la" orgasm. Ma doare. E prea mult timp tot, mi-am facut rau prea mult... Satula de toate fetele/minciunile. (Twisted partial truths = LIES) :(

Tot ce aud la psychic tel = SHIT, ppl that I don't want 2 talk to [ I NEVER seen a True Hero in my life!]. E din setari, cine nu a inteles pana acum, nu are cum... Niciodata nu mi-ar face rau.. Cine stie ce se intampla cu adevarat. Si niciodata nu mi-ar cere sa imi fac rau fara macar un motiv clar... {Ala cu educatia e o minciuna/ motiv: nici voi nu stiti de ce faceti ce vi se cere, pe toate nivelurile unde e intalnita chestia asta, si nu pt ca sunt L - adica nu e pt. ca nu vad corect la nivelul meu - Nu ma intereseaza ca nu am 'dovezi', ca si pana acum, niciodata nu insist fara motiv cand doare ceva...Tot ce aud e acelasi NU. NU de la mine capeti ce esti programat sa ai nevoie eu nu sunt programata cu Menirea mea. Stiu ca nu intelegi, dar te rog, intelege, NU vreau sa te mai aud, nu vreau sa mai avem nimic in comun, nu vreau sa mai vorbim, nu tu esti cel pe care il caut si nu ai nici o legatura cu el, indiferent de tot ce vad. NU vad decat minciuunile lor oricum. Sau ale celorlalti, sau ale... Cui? =)}. Degeaba, tot. Degeaba traiesc. M-au mintit cu tot, si aparent tot ce vor de la mine e sa imi fac rau si sa mint [FIECARE ORGASM E O MINCIUNA!] -aici poate ca nu vad corect din cuza nivelului la care sunt dar am calculat deja in ce conteaza pentru voi si imi da mereu cu Eroare, deci nu asa treb sa fac lucrurile - tot ce fac e sa imi fac mie si altora rau asa. Nu asta e solutia ci setarile alora, Nimic ce sta in puterea alegerilor mele mici, pentru ca, repet, nu am nici macar o alegere reala. Adica ceva care chiar sa schimbe ceva. Desi sunt cine sunt! This is too stupid to calculate over and over in search for possible whateveryourewastingurtimeon to 'save others' or 'help'. ALL SHIT HERE! ALL. Till the end of time :) 1234 to you too! I have no idea what that means for you. 

23.01.21 Ma simt groaznic.

Am visat ca o fata de care nu imi placea (don't care bout the reason - avea un aer similar cu superioara mea de cand am lucrat la Dodo) _ Facea o schema, din care eu am inteles ca Nume ex: Andrei, Alex, Razvan, etc (nume de baieti cu care am avut_whatever) were feeding into something like a TREE 

>--------< . Nu am inteles exact. Makes me sad; makes all I said till now even more "valid" (if that's even possible - lol). ADICA: Nu vreau, nu ma intereseaza, nu sunt de acord, Ceva e f. (!_ gresit chiar daca nu vad exact ce_ Nu suntem pe drumul cel bun, nu e nimic de reparat la >--------< "configuratie" [Si sunt sigura ca nu spun asta aiurea desi nu am inteles exact - Simt]. E din setari. Ceva gresit cu care nu vreau sa am de-a face DELOC - cum nu am vrut nici in Trecut si nu a contat de ce niciodata si parca nimeni nu m-a ascultat :( ! Toata viata m-au chinuit din cazua ca nu au inteles DE CE ul. Nu e ceva unde eu sa pot face nimic nu e domeniul meu n-am nici o alegere 24/7 RAPED = Me... Nimic altceva. Imi e scarba de tot. Nimic autentic, nimic bun prietenos etc "aproape". Stuck here not because of me or anyth I did... Nu pot sa stau de vorba cu cine vreau, unde simt ca e benefic pt ca "vorbitorii" se schimba mereu dupa calculele altora (care GRESESC! LIARS). -> Because of them (it's an arrow not blaming) NOW I only see CLOCK faces and their FECES. NOTHING good anymore. 💔

Aplicatiile alea nu inseamna nimic. - nu am invatat nimic - Tot ce am facut = umilinta si timp pierdut si cacact cu durere (a mea / a altora). Zero altceva. Minciuni layered cake. Zero altceva. Sufletul se pierde printre minciuni. Solul meu fertil nu a fost niciodata inteles _ Menire. Nu ai cum sa schimbi sau sa furi. Cuvintele dor. Tot ce fac astia e  sa ceara. Eu am cerut un singur lucru si nu sa mi-l faca ei. Mut.

* De multe ori am visat (cosmar) ca nu puteam vorbi, ceva similar cu imaginea asta din Matrix. Nu, nu m-a marcat sau ceva, si era chiar mai rau in visele mele, acea pelicula era ff tight si nu se desprindea in mai multe fasii - Foarte chinuitor. 

Mi-au aratat ca nu ma aude nimeni. Nightmare si nimic altceva; sistem automatizat de muls vaci invizibile :). Zero altceva.  Te uiti in oglinda si tot ce vezi sunt minciuni neadevaruri si timp pierdut.✝

Am facut imaginea asta in Glitchlab.

Ramai cu bine, oricum nu stiu cine esti. 💋

Podcast + Song

 Podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Podcast-ep94hq

Last night I masturbated and after I had an orgasm I started crying and heard some lyrics from the song Scarborough Fair in my head...

(both)
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
For she once was a true love of mine

(man)
Tell her to make me a cambric shirt
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Without any seam nor needlework
And then she'll be a true love of mine

Tell her to wash it in yonder dry well
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Which never sprung water nor rain ever fell
And then she'll be a true love of mine

Tell her to dry it on yonder thorn
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Which never bore blossom since Adam was born
And then she'll be a true love of mine

Ask her to do me this courtesy
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
And ask for a like favour from me
And then she'll be a true love of mine

(both)
Have you been to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me from one who lives there
For he once was a true love of mine

(woman)
Ask him to find me an acre of land
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Between the salt water and the sea-sand
For then he'll be a true love of mine

Ask him to plough it with a lamb's horn
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
And sow it all over with one peppercorn
For then he'll be a true love of mine

Ask him to reap it with a sickle of leather
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
And gather it up with a rope made of heather
For then he'll be a true love of mine

When he has done and finished his work
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Ask him to come for his cambric shirt
For then he'll be a true love of mine

(both)
If you say that you can't, then I shall reply
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Oh, Let me know that at least you will try
Or you'll never be a true love of mine

Love imposes impossible tasks
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
But none more than any heart would ask
I must know you're a true love of mine

I like the version of Omnia band, but also Simon and Garfunkel's.

~

I dread masturbating :) ~ The more time passes, the worse it gets for me, and I haven't learned anything encouraging regarding these matters, quite the contrary. The more information I understand, the more I realize, this shit has never been exciting for me... Regardless of what happened in the past, my past, what I remember about this topic from this life.. (*sigh*)... I find it unexcusable to still do certain things like this, the modules/triggers I access to orgasm doesn't do anyone any good (help). Pain and nothing.  I don't know what the incentives-to-masturbate really are. They dare not speak about this for real! I mainly hear lies. I wouldn't do most of the things I think about when I masturbate with anyone, and thinking about those things because in another Thought language it means something different, good, innocent, whatever, is LYING. (and not only that but all bad things). I have no unfulfilled sexual fantasy & my Soul Hunger is for something else, something very different than the shit I gave my time to most of this life.  I don't care what they want to see in my head. It's so wrong to put things like this... If this was my 'job' (earn a living from doing such things), I would gladly reorient when it comes to making money, but oh, hey, ti and... lies... [ALL MY LIFE - schemes plots and lies, all fields, everywhere] :D ~ So, anyway, hundreds of IDONTAGREETODOTHISs later, I am moneyless, and everythingiwantless (most of if not every; If I waste more time calculating I prove myself to be right, in vain, same as everytime), and honestly, I can't take this anymore. It's an insult to my fucking CORE, and I wasn't born to TAKE. It's an illusion anyway, no? Ok, I'm waiting for this bad dream to end, to 'wake up', so I can do something else... It's not that I didn't try, I knew/know that it was not my place to do something anyway. Zero choices, and little choices feed big mechanisms that not only I don't agree with, but are incorrect in (their?) nature... :) Thank you for your continued support but please don't misunderstand me anymore, that would be biggest support of all. 

Nu mai vreau

 

Poze facute azi dimineata din bucatarie.

~~~

Din jurnal: 

When the music's over (x3)

Turn out the lights (x3)

For the music is your special friend

Dance on fire as it intends

Music is your only friend

Until the end (x3)

(The Doors)

Fragmente din vis: Eyes closed, could hear smth, like a song, that was interpreted as my voice. I struggled to speak over it, I could hear my own voice, and the song stopped.  

I was telling to a spooky pig dude... You have (contain) something that feeds me... And I started moving my arms and hands, as if dancing. The rest of my body was still... Nu, nu te vampirizez... Si i-am spus... Asa cum eu nu am mancat niciodata, tu nu te-ai futut niciodata, that's why you only sound as CORRECT/INCORRECT when we speak. 

...

Part of a machinery, smth intricate, moving very fast, something related to Clocks. They do that but dream of v. interesting (to me) things; how we communicate. Their brain & digestive systems, compared to what I know about mine - inversed. Ciudat. Nu stiu ce inseamna. Si nici ce inseamna "online" pentru ei, cumva dependent de anumite actiuni ale mele, in viata (mea) reala. [HAHAHA]. - Thanks for showing me that! I'm same... Sad... SAD... Nothing )rly) exciting anymore, incentive to do stuff = null. I'm not depressed! Doar ca nu am ce sa fac. Nimeni nu face nimic, dar nu asta e motivul :).

Am tot vorbit despre asta si nu imi place sa ma repet.

Totul e degeaba si tot e fac(em) se concretizeaza in chestii rele si cacat. Sau in cel mai bun caz degeaba. Bun - rau, ha? 

Ramai cu bine, oricum nu stiu cine esti.

💋

*New post*

*

Cuvinte cuvinte cuvinte cuvinte cuvinte cuvinte

cuvinte cuvinte cuvinte cuvinte cuvinte 

Yeah I .... .... .... ... .... . .... .... .... .... ....... ...

 

Hey you

"Hey You"

Hey, you!
Out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old.
Can you feel me?

Hey, you!
Standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles.
Can you feel me?

Hey, you!
Don't help them to bury the light.
Don't give in without a fight.

Hey, you!
Out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone.
Would you touch me?

Hey, you!
With your ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out.
Would you touch me?

Hey, you!
Would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home

But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high as you can see.
No matter how he tried he could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey, you!
Out there on the road,
Always doing what you're told.
Can you help me?

Hey, you!
Out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall.
Can you help me?

Hey, you!
Don't tell me there's no hope at all.
Together we stand,
Divided we fall.

~~~

I wonder what home means for some...

Ceva special ca al meu n-are nimeni si e inutil sa va vorbesc despre asta.

Airbag - Machines and men.

Here they come

Marching on

One by one

They'll be gone

With boots and guns

Shouting loud

Machines and men

They're heaven sent

Here they come

Marching on

One by one

They'll be gone

With boots and guns

Shouting loud

Machines and men

They're heaven sent

I wanna get out

I wanna be free

So come on now

And get me out

I wanna get out

I wanna be free

So come on now

And get me out

I wanna get out

Does it make you afraid

Or drive you insane

You better run

Cause here they come

I wanna get out

I wanna be free

So come on now

And get me out

I wanna get out

I wanna be free

So come on now

And get me out

I wanna get out

I wanna get out

~

~

~

Soen - Lotus

[Intro]

Gather around

All the things that we admire

To be here is where I wanted to be

To abandon who I was

Gather around

As we're pushed towards the fire

We've been tricked into believing that all

Starts and ends within our walls

[Verse 1]

Gather around

Holding close your sons and daughters

Promise them that we will all be alright

Let them know you love them all

Talk to yourself

Let your essence be the answer

While we chase the meaning of who we are

Navigating through a storm

[Verse 2]

Gather around and follow me

Something misled us to this

Wanting it all is poverty

Rich is the one who is free

Be the one who wakes up

All of those who roam

[Guitar solo]

[Bridge]

Shake your head to the sides, wake the animal inside of you

Run away from it all, let the wildness be your home

Plant a tree, kill a man, let your instincts be in charge of you

Where you walk, what you dream, measures who you really are

[Outro]

Turn to your friends

Let them face the one you mirror

And the demons that now rest on your side

They will leave you on your own

~~~

Nu vreau sa compun imaginea sau povestea cuiva cu care sa fiu... Daca nu e (own will)... WTF am I even doing in here anymore :( S-au folosit de mine pentru... Compuneri si imagini... In trecere prin nimic... Ha Ha Ha Ha. 

In prezentul meu ( ca doar, ce e) continui sa ma intalnesc cu odoruri din trecut, in mod nejustificat neinteresante. Absolut dezgustator si nimic nu mai e fun indiferent cat de 'bine' arata.

Some things I'd like to write about, I can't even write in my own journal.

Thank you for this

randoms

Nu vreau sa ma placi. If you're not bothered by what I do with my mind, I don't wanna talk to you!*

< Se cere > = Minciuna. Deci???

......................................................

Tot ce am zis e la fel, valabil.

I'm not allowed to make it on my own - Or truly be with someone. 

16.01 Rune of the day: Berkana, birch.

Card of the day: Knight of Cups

Measurements: 96-70-97 66kg.

......................................................

* & If you're bothered, why talk?(We could do something different about it, there's no government, really) LINKS!. Ok... On a certain lvl everything is made up on them. But, something troubles my mind. I said in many ways, hoping the message would get delivered. I'm not ok with that! (for example thinking about 'Empress' keyword, that specific girl's face [It's not about if I like or not or what do I think about; I don't know for sure WHY but something is wrong in this situation. Again, I hear about the Parking issue, and again, I say: I'm not a car ~ It's been too long, It's been too long...]). So, I'm not ok with that for myself, or others (if there was a lesson to be learned all data is available by now, same thing with the same thing, again the reason with beta & reset, I can't reason with this anymore. What's expected of me, in the end, is a weird form of SELF HARM, implicitly I harm others too, unknowingly, especially since it's about links...for... Them... Then the Potion Masters waste their resources as well and all we do is... What I already said... Nothing.