Every day

 Every day when its expected of me to masturbate orgasm regardless of the keywords I feel like screaming hot tar and ripping my skin off to see whats bloody underneath but This selfexpression doesnt lead anywhere either Im not allowed to have a life a sexual life normal thoughts and dreams but they do this to me using others unknowingly participants in  a big nothing I swear The Big Nothing looks better undressed, dezbracat de straiele lumesti cum ii spuneam si fostului numai ca adaptat la Tot  care e Nimic oricum. My words hold no meaning and when they see they forget just as I don't remember either the most important parts of our discussions / just before I sleep, between sleep and waking consciousness, I only remember bits, and I can't do anything with them anyway. I need to heal not hurt myself further. What they want from me now only contributes to Hurting. I puke thoughts down my spine I despise all they chose for me ALL. Why did they do this from the nothing? They could've done ANYTHING. I want to die not feed this sickness anymore. And feeding the sickness seems the only reason why they still keep this shit up; I don't believe it's about anything to repair, really. When I feel shit like this, I never been wrong, I don't care if they hurt me when I say such thinks, I never liked kissing anyone's ass, We're not in this together, just leave me alone, all left for me to do is to die. And regardless of how that happens, if Ill reach old age or die in my sleep tonight, I don't want to participate in anything until then. Everything wasted, no choice, No choice, really, my choice is to be left alone, and die. Keep up with the nothing covered in pretty Useful things? No, thanks. I will keep on living my life as I did until now. In vain, used, misunderstood. No change regardless of what I did. No, me masturbating and having orgasms doesnt seem to lead anywhere. I am not in a relationship with anyone who would want such things from me. The mental images with the triggers disturb me. I HATE THE PORN IMAGES WITH eating pussy whatever man I never liked I never wanted they crafter my mind so they can see through mine SOMETHING. WHYYYYYYYYY I despise all that, it's disgusting, feeling the breath of STUPID MAN in my spine. I didn't make him this way, I always knew how to LOVE. But to be condemned because I refuse something? WHY? If I don't want to love YOU, why is it my fault? <<<<<<<>>>>>>> It's not. All this is something worse than death, death is like a warm blanket hug and not because of 'escapism' but because it's Truth. I HATE the[this] world ( Stop crawling ~ You'll never see what that means, a hate so pure, you cannot bottle that - ever) I LOVE The Nothing (The only Pure !!!thing!!! in context ~ ). Looking forward for the day when I will be allowed to truly show my appreciation. Until then, nothing :) 

I swear, if this whole shit made any difference, I wouldn't be feeling this way and I would participate more willingly. It didn't I always knew It won't and despite that I still tried and the 'doing' against myself ( A concept that is outside of normal definitions <known> of Self ) is just... Poison. Self poison = worse than any other poison. For ppl like me, anyway. And you still want me to do more why? It's always the same. Their theories didn't prove anything of importance. Ever. I somehow knew before, that's why I was always so grumpy with wasting time. I want to waste time on my own with no guidance from anyone. Poor time, To Be Valued and twisted like this. I have no words left to say, puke puke puke.